Philadelphia Eagles

‘I am not in a gang’ reiterates DeSean Jackson as he stocks up on ammunition, guns

desean-jackson-redskinsWashington, DC – After TMZ broke the news this morning that DeSean Jackson’s LA home was burglarized by several men with possible gang affiliation, the Washington Redskins wide receiver again made a statement that he is in no way affiliated with any gang.

“How many times do I have to say this, I am not in a gang,” Jackson said, clad all in blue clothes, as he busied himself in his Washington home gathering up various caches of ammunition he had hidden throughout his estate. “Just because I have friends who may be in a gang does not mean I’m involved in such nonsense.”

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Unemployed Steve Weatherford spends two-hours perfecting Eagles slam tweet
Cool pose, bruh.

Cool pose, bruh.

New York, NY –  Steve Weatherford, unemployed punter, took to Twitter this afternoon and lambasted Philadelphia for its lack of championships.

The ex-professional punter, who carefully crafted and selected the wording to the numerous tweets he published yesterday and today, has plenty of time on his hands to perfect his trolling tweets as he is currently not good enough to cut it on any of the 32 NFL rosters.

The ex-punter, who is not in any way depressed or angered that no team wants his services, publicly supported the New York Giants on several social media platforms. His old team will come into Philadelphia for tonight’s Monday Night Football week 6 match up.

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Could Steve Spurrier be the next head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles?

steve-spurrierPhiladelphia, PA – The Old Ball coach, having just announced his retirement from college football, may just be on his way to professional football.

Numerous sources have contacted the Coggin Toboggan that have said Jeff Lurie reportedly desires Spurrier to be the next head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Several pro football analysts went on record and said Spurrier would be a “perfect head coach” for the Philadelphia Eagles, who have grown stale and predictable under head coach Chip Kelly.

Kelly still has several years left on his contract, but sources are saying Lurie would “do anything” to get spurrier onto the team.

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Breaking News: Chip Kelly requires four gym credits before becoming a starter

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly continues to be connected to the college football game, as several ex-Eagles are now claiming he requires all starters to complete at least four credits of gym before taking the field as a starter for the Eagles.

Former guard Evan Mathis said Kelly personally administered a swimming test before he was allowed to start for the squad two seasons ago.

“He said I was shy four credits and the only way I could get on the field as an Eagle would be if I could swim five complete laps and tread water for three minutes,” Mathis said, now a member of the Denver Broncos. “He personally escorted me to the pool for my test and badgered me about how my junior year was going so far. I was 31.”

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week!
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Oh Snickers….Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. Three weeks in a row you’ve gotten your predictions wrong. We’re only going to give you a stay of execution because you managed to predict the Eagles would cover the spread. If it weren’t for your ability to actually get a few gambling predictions correct, we’d have crushed your skull under your steel-toed boots long ago. Don’t get too comfortable, though, that wood chipper still has your name written all over it.

This is no longer fun for me. I can’t work under this pressure. I didn’t sign up to be harassed and yelled at by an editor who pays me in moldy orange rinds and used condoms wrapped in tissue paper.

But I’m a professional, a professional sports predicting possum and my dedication is to YOU, the readers.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that my hairless tail drives the women possums crazy and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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Kiko Alonso undergoes leg amputation, questionable for Sunday’s game

HjDqsVLKPhiladelphia, PA – Mystery is still surrounding the injury status of Eagles inside linebacker Kiko Alonso, who has yet to be officially ruled out of Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins despite undergoing an emergency amputation of his injured leg.

While having his knee scoped by Dr. James Andrews, the esteemed doctor detected massive amounts of necrosis and infection in his injured left knee and had to order an immediate amputation of the linebackers leg just above his banged up keen.

“Well, we’re going to see with Kiko. He may be able to rehab the injury, he may have to get additional surgery. We’re just not sure where he is right now,” Chip Kelly said before Thursday’s practice.

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Caleb Sturgis warns Eagles fan to “cool it” while he’s around

Caleb_SturgisPhiladelphia, PA – Newly signed kicker Caleb Sturgis had some strong words for the sometimes harsh Philadelphia Eagles fans and told them all to “preach patience” until he became familiar with the intricacies of kicking at Lincoln Financial Field.

“I know Eagles fans can be a little ‘saucy’ at times and may have a bad reputation for throwing batteries at Santa, but I’m no pushover. Just cool it with the harsh talk and potential cat calls until I get a chance to prove myself and figure out the wind patterns at the Linc.”

Sturgis then pointed his finger into the camera and gave it a stern look.

“I’m not joshing. Just try me, Eagles fans. Really, just try me. I don’t put up with any bunk.”

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Snickers the Possum is now 0-2 on the year. We are starting to think that employing a living, anthropomorphic possum to pick the winner of professional football games might not have been the best idea. We regret to inform you, the reader, that if Snickers does not improve his performance in the next few weeks we will be forced to throw him into a wood chipper. Take it away Snickers, no pressure.

Thanks for that, I guess. If I had known this job would be so high pressure I would have stayed in my garbage can and not accepted the website’s offer of three moldy bananas per article. No delicious fruit is worth being thrown into a wood chipper, but I digress.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the dead squirrel I found in the middle of Lake Street was absolutely delicious and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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Miles Austin takes walk down injury lane at Monmouth University
Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

West Long Branch, NJ – A smile appeared on Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin’s face when he emerged from the team bus this afternoon. He was, after all, returning to the university where he spent four glorious, injury ravaged years before making his way into professional football.

Austin, the university’s all-time record holder for receiving yards with 2,867, fondly recalled some of his more debilitating injuries on the Monmouth University football field.

“Looking back on it, the excruciating pain I felt almost every day of my life here is next to nothing from what I suffer through now, but it really helped me get ready for my professional career,” Austin said, as he limped towards the practice field.

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Monmouth University wideout will be tough matchup for Eagles Byron Maxwell

urmxATawWest Long Branch, NJ – The Eagles left the confines of the NovaCare Complex Wednesday night, forced out of Philadelphia by the papal visit, and traveled up the New Jersey Turnpike to practice at Monmouth University on Friday and Saturday.

While at the university, Chip Kelly noted the Eagles would likely give the Monmouth University Hawks a thrill and participate in a few live scrimmages with the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference squad.

Kelly said the Eagles were concerned about Junior wideout Darren Ambush (Dickerson, MD/Urbana), who recently put up seven receptions for 117 yards, a touchdown and 16 yards rushing against rival Wagner this past Saturday.

At this point in time, Kelly said Eagles corner Byron Maxwell would most likely struggle against Ambush in one on one coverage.

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