Philadelphia Eagles

My interview with Jeffrey Lurie
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Jeffrey Lurie (file photo)

It’s no secret that the Eagles front office contacted me late Sunday after the conclusion of the final game of the season and asked if I would come in and at least interview for the head coaching vacancy. The Eagles have long tried to tap into my extensive knowledge of the game, but the time has never been right for me to join them in an official position. I’ve always had other opportunities on the horizon…starting my own aardvark sanctuary, janitor to the rich and famous, sketchy looking drifter trying to hitch rides on the edge of county lines…I’ve been booked solid for years.

But Mr. Lurie finally convinced me to come in and at least kick the tires for the position. I only agreed if I could transcribe the interview process for the Toboggan and share it with our readers.

He agreed and this is our conversation.

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Eagles backup corner Buckley Chillingsworth disappointed team won Sunday afternoon
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Chillingsworth file photo.

New York, NY – Little used and little known fourth string corner back Buckley Chillingsworth expressed his utter disappointment Sunday after the Eagles won their final game against the Giants, and thus do not have to play a game in London next year.

It had been determined that the loser of the Eagles and Giants contest would have to play a game in London during the 2016-2017 season.

Chillingsworth, a graduate of the London Finishing and Etiquette School for Esteemed Young Gentlemen, admitted to the media Monday morning he was less than happy he would not play a game in front of foggy London town next year.

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Les Bowen currently hiding in giant wooden crate to be shipped to Chip Kelly’s house

35Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps frustrated at being stymied for a comment by Chip Kelly’s girlfriend at their Haddonfield home, Les Bowen is currently sitting inside a stiflingly hot and stuffy wooden crate that is en route to Kelly’s house.

The veteran reporter was denied entrance into Kelly’s home last night and could not get a comment from the recently fired head coach.

A fuming Bowen reportedly came up with the ill-advised scheme early this morning after downing a fifth of Jim Bean. He forced his Daily News co-workers to stuff him inside the crate and have it immediately shipped to Kelly’s home.

Several co-workers balked at Bowen’s request to be “greased up” before squeezing into the crate.

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BREAKING NEWS: Chip Kelly fired for prank phone calls to Jeffrey Lurie
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What a prankster!

Philadelphia, PA – Following the bombshell tonight that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly had been fired, rumors are slowly trickling in that make the personnel decision more clear.

To perhaps stem the rumor mill, Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie had confirmed reports that Kelly was fired for making several harassing and patently unoriginal prank phone calls to Lurie in the past two weeks.

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DeMarco Murray suspended 1 game for inactions detrimental to the team
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A rare sight, DeMarco Murray with his helmet on and holding a football.

Philadelphia, PA – DeMarco Murray heard from the NFL front office Tuesday morning and learned he will receive a one game suspension for his horrendous inactions during Sunday night’s blowout loss against the Cardinals.

The league suspended Murray for his “egregious disregard to playing the game of football” and for multiple “deep shoulder shrugs” and “eye rolls” directed towards the heavens.

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Santa Claus Column: Alright, enough already

jonathan_g_meath_portrays_santa_clausAt this time every year, when I should be making my list and checking it twice, my Twitter and Facebook accounts blow up for about three weeks leading up to the big day. And do you know what most of my mentions are? Do you know what most of the “clever” comments I receive are about?

You guessed it…it’s always about Philadelphia booing Santa Claus.

Even during the Sunday night Eagles/Cardinals game, my good friend Cris Collinsworth alluded to an incident that happened decades ago, even though I specifically asked him to not bring it up on air.

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WWE Raw episode found more believable than possibility of Eagles Super Bowl win
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The fireflies out in full effect. 

Philadelphia, PA – The latest episode of WWE’s popular Monday Night Raw was found to be more realistic than the possibility of an Eagles Super Bowl victory by Phillip Thompson, 6, of Cherry Hill.

Thompson, who expressed legitimate anxiety that Roman Reigns would really be fired from the company if he did not defeat Sheamus in the night’s championship match, warned his father to temper expectations of the Eagles making a run in the playoffs, or even making the playoffs at the end of the year.

“I just don’t see it happening, really, they had a nice couple of games but I really think they don’t have much of a chance. Don’t be foolish, ” he warned his dad. “Wow, I hope Bubba Ray Dudley is okay, he went right through that table! I bet he broke his back and is going to be out for a long, long time. I wonder how he’s going to be back next week?”

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Win/Loss post game scenarios for LeSean McCoy

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Shady BURSTS into the locker room, skipping and hollering into the visitor’s locker room at Lincoln Financial Field, screaming obscenities in the direction of the Eagles locker room.

“FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH, that’s what you  mother fuckers get when you let Shady go in the offseason, fuck this city, fuck this team, McCoy mother fucker! I am the god damn man!” he screams, slamming his helmet down onto the ground.

McCoy, so enthused at the win, starts to play air guitar to a song only he can hear.

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LeSean McCoy will not shake Kelly’s hand, but has not ruled out sucking his earlobe

mccoyBuffalo, NY – Speaking to Buffalo media after practice Wednesday, LeSean McCoy doubled down on his Chip Kelly criticism and said there was no way he would shake the former coach’s hand when the Bills play the Eagles on Sunday in Philadelphia.

He did not, however, rule out sucking and nibbling on Kelly’s earlobe a bit before the game.

“Man, Chip can’t shake shit. There’s no way I shake his hand,” McCoy said. “But am I going to say I won’t slide up behind him, wrap my arms around his chest, and suck a little bit on that fat, low hanging earlobe? I’m not saying that at all.”

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Miles Austin takes wrong route to press conference, gets intercepted by street toughs

Miles+Austin+GQ+XLV+Super+Bowl+Party+Inside+zl13BUtWc60lPhiladelphia, PA – On his way to a press conference Monday afternoon to address the media after he was cut, former Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin took an incorrect route and somehow ended up in Camden.

The befuddled wide receiver wandered through the dangerous streets for nearly 45 minutes before disappearing.

Neither team representatives or family members had any idea how Austin had gotten away from his professional handlers, who routinely have to remind him about team functions, practices, games, and specific plays after they are called for in game.

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