Philadelphia 76ers

Jahlil Okafor pens column blasting reporter for lack of sources

Enough is enough, says Jahlil Okafor.

The media in this city is disgusting. I wake up each and every day, shuddering as I reach for my iPhone to see what drivel reporters decide to “report” on me during a slow summer news cycle.

I get it. Newspapers are dying, you need a hook and you need something to bring in readers. Fine. But maybe do some actual reporting on a story instead of just throwing proverbial shit on the wall and seeing what sticks.

Take Tom Moore of the Bucks County Courier Time, for instance. He’s always citing his “sources” that say I’m unhappy with being in Philadelphia. Now he’s citing these “sources” saying that I’m upset the 76ers tried to trade me. It’s ridiculous.

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76ers, Sharice from Broad Street Carvery in section 120, agree to max deal

Philadelphia, PA – Despite being relatively inactive during the free agency period so far, 76ers representatives were happy to announce this morning that they had come to an agreement on a max-deal with one of the organization’s most productive and exciting young talents.

The 76ers and Sharice from the Broad Street Carvery station in section 120 agreed to a 5-year, $15 an hour max contract that will keep the 59-year-old mother of two carving meat with the 76ers until 2021.

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76ers assembling crack squad of foreign cutthroats

Furkan Korkmaz, one of several foreign athletes the 76ers have selected this year for their unique brand of “skills.”

Philadelphia, PA – Quickly realizing that the top-tier, top-flight free agents available this year were not willing to sign max deals with a young and inexperience 76ers team, team scouts have been scouring the back end courts, war-torn arenas, and shady, dimly lit half-court games at all corners of the world to assemble a cutthroat team of mercenaries and hacks to don a 76ers uniform for the 2016-2017 season.

Vince Rozman, 76ers director of basketball operations and scouting innovation, said his team of scouts were dispersed throughout the world to assemble the “best of the best” that the rest of the NBA had shunned throughout the years.

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76ers announce they will draft and stash every active member of roster

Philadelphia, PA – Following a productive 2016 NBA draft, but citing that they are still not within striking distance of competing for a title, 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo announced the organization would draft and stash every single member of the active roster for 2016-2017.

“It just makes sense. Are we going to win a title next year? No we’re not. So why not get these guys some experience and see what we can do in 2017-2018,” Colangelo said.

He said the 76ers will stash Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, Robert Covington, Elton Brand, Jerami Grant, Kendall Marshall, JP Tokoto, Carl Landry, Richaun Holmes, Christian Wood, Ben Simmons, Timothe Luwawu and Furkan Korkmaz in the darkest, most desolate points throughout the globe, away from the prying eyes of media and fans.

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Isaiah Canaan expresses unfounded concerns to friends that he could be traded on draft night

hi-res-7dca3ac617c4e91020e67e8201c97e90_crop_north Philadelphia, PA – Isaiah Canaan, veteran shooting guard for the Philadelphia 76ers, has told close friends and relatives that he is concerned the organization may try to trade him on draft night to gain another top-five pick.

Canaan has expressed anxiety to his closest group of confidants that the 76ers would decide to focus on the future and not want to win now, forcing their hand to trade the shooting guard to either Boston for the third overall pick or Phoenix for the fourth pick.

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Dario Saric makes huge announcement on his future

Dario Saric, the vaunted Croatian-born professional athlete that has been rumored for the past two years to be joining the 76ers, reached out to The Coggin Toboggan’s email address (thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com) this afternoon to make an announcement on his future.

Currently playing for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, the 22-year-old forward emailed The Coggin at 1:25 p.m. this afternoon to notify our site about his career. This is not surprising, as The Coggin is currently the most popular sports website in all of Turkey due to our comprehensive coverage of national hero Furkan Aldemir.

From his email address DSaric43589@unisa.cr, Saric sent the following to The Coggin Toboggan:

Hello and best wishes to you and yours exhalted family!

I wish to notify you about a blessed busines deal in your favour from the Turkish Basketball League of Super! Hello, am Dario Saric, a foreword for Anadolu Efes, and am very much wanting to come play the professional basketball of the USA and the Filadelphia Seven Sixers!

Unfortunately, I cannot leave my contract with the league unless a $10,000 transfer fee is paid to my coach head. I do not have the money msyelf, so in God’s name I hope you can please wire me the small funds amount so I may live my dream and play in the Americas.

I know this sounds too better to be true, but it is not! The most things of crucial to be done is to wire a transfer fee of $10,000 to complete the transaction. What are you wayting (sic) for! Please help me today.

God bless you,

Dario Saric

WOW! You heard him, we need to set up a Go Fund Me account to get him over here! This is too good to be true. What a week for the 76ers!

We’d kick in some money for this venture, but we donated all of our petty cash to Joel Embiid, who sent us an email letting us know a Congo prince had left us a “sizable” inheritance in his will after he died.

REPORT: 76ers Joel Embiid cleared to resume tweeting at Rihanna

screen-shot-2014-08-01-at-7-20-58-am Philadelphia, PA – The good news keeps on coming for the Philadelphia 76ers, as team doctors and physicians have cleared oft-injured 22-year-old center Joel Embiid to resume his tweeting to pop-star Rihanna.

Christopher C. Dodson, MD, head physician for the 76ers, said Embiid could resume “light-tweeting” to Rihanna during the mornings and late afternoon, under the strict supervision of team officials.

“We’re getting him slowly back to doing what he loves. He’s been extremely patient throughout this entire process and is eagerly awaiting full clearance to get back to where he was several years ago,” Dodson said.

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Bryan Colangelo proclaims ‘The Process’ to be over, ‘The Procedure’ alive and well

colangelo_headshot Philadelphia, PA – New 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo has officially proclaimed Sam Hinkie’s much maligned “Process” is now over and the franchise is ready to move on to the next chapter.

Colangleo then debuted “The Procedure,” a new plan to move the 76ers into the 21st century and into a new golden era of basketball that will see the city revel in carnal delights only few mortals have ever set out to obtain.

The Procedure, he explained, would bestow enlightenment, an all-knowing aura and elite rebounding abilities to only the truest believers in the organization.

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Bryan Colangelo trades #1 pick for sack of magic beans

colangelo_headshot Philadelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.

Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.

Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.

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NBA officials reportedly concerned with Phantom of Sam Hinkie disrupting draft lottery

Hinkie Phantom New York City, NY – Documents leaked to the media this morning have revealed that NBA officials are notably concerned that the Phantom of Sam Hinkie will attempt to disrupt the proceedings of the 2016 draft lottery, scheduled to be held tonight at approximately 8 p.m.

Hinkie, the disgraced former GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was believed to have perished in a great fire in his home office the night his resignation letter to the franchise was published by numerous media outlets.

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