Les Bowen

Matt Barkley vows to defeat Tim Tebow in saddest quarterback competition of all time

This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

Philadelphia, PA – Said in front of one half-paying attention member of the media and an intern with the Drexel Triangle, Matt Barkley vowed he would beat out Tim Tebow for the third string quarterback position on the roster in the most depressing offseason story of the year so far.

Fans throughout the Delaware Valley agreed this is “much, much worse” than Lesean McCoy’s accusations of Chip Kelly being a racist.

In a recent straw poll conducted by Philly.com, 80% of respondents claimed they would rather read old game summaries from the 2004 season over Barkley vs. Tebow, 15% claimed they would rather watch Howard Eskin pick out a new fur coat and 5% claimed they would rather drink a glass of Marcus Hayes’ neck sweat than pay attention to this nonsense.

Defiant in the face of adversity, Barkley said he definitely had far fewer passes chucked at the feet of wide open receivers than Tebow. He also pointed to the fact that head coach Chip Kelly had asked him to get him a cup of coffee over Tebow near the tail end of the morning session.

“Did you see when I threw one of the practice footballs to Mark (Sanchez) from the sideline? That had to be at least 15 yards out and I threw it way, way over his head. It didn’t come close to him. Shows off my arm strength,” Barkley told Jennifer McThompson, sophomore journalism major at Drexel University and sports contributor to the school’s paper The Triangle.

McThompson promised she would try to get her profile of Barkley on the front page of the paper if her interview with “Philly Jesus” fell through.

Sam Hinkie escorted out of the Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams roast

Philadelphia, PA – A few weeks ago, 94 WIP held a roast for Philadelphia Phillies legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams at the Electric Factory, where the two alums were heckled for nearly an hour and a half by local comedians and some of their sports peers.

However, just a few clips on YouTube have emerged of the event, leading many to wonder why more highlights have yet to come out? Whispers and mumbles from the crowd at the roast have been slowly leaking out from the event, but very few concrete details have been confirmed.

What happened at this thing?

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Bring your crab to work day a smashing success

Here at The Coggin Toboggan, we try to foster a sense of community and family among our writers, reports, editors and photographers who sometimes spend long, long hours producing the award winning and respected material that you read here on a daily basis.

We’ve been putting in a lot of hours recently, especially with the recent Les Bowen Eagles showering scandal that rocked this city to it’s core two weeks ago, so as editor in chief I decided it was high time to let our hair down and have some fun in the office.

So, to brighten morale, I decided to institute The Coggin Toboggan’s very first “Bring your Crab to work” program earlier this week. Employees were encouraged to bring their crabs to our office to show them the ropes and let them see what mommy and daddy do on a daily basis.

We’ve compiled some of the best pictures from the event and we hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed having them scuttling around the office.

Jameis Winston was not invited to the event, for obvious reasons! HAHAHAHA, oh god we have fun here.

Jimmy the crab.

Ahh Jimmy, you side-stepped your way into everyone’s heart at the CT. This feisty young fella was brought by Jane in accounting, who would NOT stop talking about their recent trip to Fire Island. He was the toast of the town that weekend, she assured us as much.

Sarah the crab.

Aww who’s a good girl!? It’s Sarah, that’s who! This adorable little girl enjoyed having her tummy rubbed by just about everyone in the editing department.

Herbert the crab.

Gah!! Herbert you rascal. This diva loved the close-up pictures we took of him frolicking through the mens room and swimming through the salad dressing at the salad bar in the employee cafeteria.

Susie the crab.

Not Suze or Susan, but Susie! This energetic girl had a great day popping in and out of cubicles and searching for mites in the parking lot.

Brutus the crab.

What a good boy! Brutus had himself a bit of an incident as he crawled up on the back of Larry from accounting, who had fallen asleep at his desk. When Larry woke up and found this guy snuggling against his bald head, he would NOT stop screaming. What a day!

Well that was it. It was a success all around, we think, and something we’ll definitely be doing again next year.

Stay tuned next month, as The Coggin Toboggan will be hosting its first”Bring your Diarrhea-laden Dog to work day!” It should be explosive!

Happy to help, Les

Hey, Les Bowen, if the extra publicity helps you do your job covering the Eagles, we’re all for it.

It’s no community service playground build, but we try to help. Thanks for reading Les!

As astute and dedicated reader @CrimJimmegan said: “Les Bowen is an old raisin.”

Couldn’t agree more.

UPDATE:

Oh yeah, Les blocked us after this came up. So why don’t you let him know what you think about our article and if the publicity will help him cover the team better? Let him know the Coggin sent you and please thank him for reading!

Les Bowen furious Eagles organization didn’t invite him to team shower after playground build

It’s outrageous that I not have access to team showers.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing his frustration at the new Eagles front office regime, Les Bowen took to Twitter yesterday and publicly voiced his opinion on how much more difficult it is to cover the players’ showers after games and public functions under Chip Kelly’s leadership.

Bowen was furious the organization did not allow him access to the team’s shower after a Wednesday afternoon community service event, where several players on the team roster had constructed a playground for Philadelphia children.

“Just another example of how truly frustrating it is to try and do my job,” Bowen said on Twitter.

“How can I do my job properly if I can’t speak to Connor Barwin while he’s soaping his biceps and lower back after a sweaty day’s work?” Bowen tweeted, continuing his rant on the public media forum.

The Daily News beat writer lashed out at several of his followers as they questioned his need to actually attend the group showers to effectively write about the team and its chances for next year.

“If you know of a better way to cover this team where I’m not naked and wet with the players, I’d like to hear it,” he posted.

Bowen then posted several images on his Twitter feed from his showers with several players on the roster from year’s past.

“I need to be able to cover this team to the best of my ability. If that doesn’t involve Matt Barkley scrubbing my back, then I can’t do my job.”

Sam Hinkie improvs 15-minutes of material on Philadelphia sports media members

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps belied by his impromptu, off-the-cuff take down of Howard Eskin during last Thursday’s press conference, Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie performed nearly a 15-minute routine in which he insulted just about every sports media member in attendance.

“Where is Howard Eskin, that in the middle of a werewolf transformation mother fucker,” Hinkie asked, borrowing a line from the late Patrice Oneil. “Is he still in Florida? Tell him Andy Reid is in Kansas City and needs his dick sucked.”

Hinkie left his podium and delivered several biting, blistering lines to the stunned members of the Philadelphia press he had invited to the conference.

“Oh you didn’t like that I traded Michael Carter Williams last week, Angelo? You don’t know what a father should tell his son who has a Michael Carter Williams jersey? I’m not sure about that, but that father should definitely tell his son not to listen to some ancient hack columnist whose legacy will be that of morbid obesity in the form of a wing eating competition,” Hinkie said, his face inches away from Cataldi’s. “I wouldn’t fuck your fat pussy with Rhea Hughes’ cock.”

He moved around the room with the precision of a surgeon, stopping in front of each reporter to levy more insults, each more personal than the last.

“Have you seen these new advertisements the Daily News is putting around the city for Marcus Hayes? Great strategy. His fat fuck face is so swollen it needs the side of two bus stops to fit on. His picture looks like he smells like a combination of rotten cheese and garlic.”

Hayes reportedly wept softly for the remainder of the media session.

Capping off the massive insult session, Hinkie went into overdrive and described the following members of the media as such:

– Dei Lynam: “How does she still have a job in this town? I’d say it was nepotism if she were better looking.”

– Les Bowen: “This old mother fucker can’t go to a funeral without people wondering how the corpse got out of its coffin.”

– John Gonzalez: “Someone check his green card, he’s taking a job away from a more talented American journalist.”

– Jim Adair of Crossingbroad – “Watching this goofy bastard take shots on the Wells Fargo Center court this offseason made me realize there are certain ‘athletes’ out there that you can’t trade for a second round draft pick. Piece of shit looks like someone who has forgotten to take his seizure medication.”

As of press time, Marcus Hayes was seen still sobbing in his car in the parking lot.