Eagles

Obscure Philadelphia athlete of the week: Bubby Brister
bubbybrister

Coach told me it’s normal to bleed from the ears.

Bubby Brister. Solid, solid name. His name game was on absolute point for his two seasons as a Philadelphia Eagle, starting 16 games over the course of 1993 and 1994 after Randall Cunningham’s legs exploded into a million pieces (or something like that).

Just look at that face. Perpetually confused, a fine head of hair, a firm squint from his 800 confirmed concussions, Brister had all of the makings of a starting quarterback in the late 80s and early 90s. He defied all expectations and played in absolutely no notable games or provided any fun memories for hundreds of thousands of fans that saw him play over his FOURTEEN SEASON CAREER. He played from 1986 to 2000!

(more…)

Eagles hope to reach short-term extension with Sam Bradford’s hospice care provider

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Eagles front office representatives confirmed Tuesday morning that officials were working closely with Sam Bradford’s agent to agree on a short-term extension with the quarterback’s hospice care provider.

“Based on Bradford’s latest workout and physical examination, we don’t believe we should invest in a long-term extension at this time,” a front office rep said, preferring to remain anonymous.

(more…)

Nelson Agholor totally stoked for camp to begin

050515_nelson-agholor_600Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor, Eagles wide receiver draft pick out of USC, expressed his excitement to finally get to camp next week and enjoy a little bit of mother nature.

“I heard they have this awesome rope swing that totally swing you out over a pond and launches you like 100 feet up into the air. I’m definitely going to do that first. And then I’m going to go over to the archery range and check that out. I bet I’ll be super, super good at it. I kick butt with my Nerf set at home,” Agholor said.

(more…)

Chip Kelly asks Riley Cooper to please stop defending him
Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly decried any and all defenses of him by Riley Cooper in the past and near future, after the casually racist wide receiver spoke highly of him in an interview with the Delco Times.

“It’s definitely difficult and upsetting for sure,” Cooper said to Bob Grotz. “I know (Kelly is) not like that.”

Kelly visibly shuddered upon hearing the quote. Kelly has been defending himself against claims of racism by former Eagles running back Lesean McCoy.

“Riley is just trying to help, I know, but please, for the love of god, do not say nice things about me in public anymore. My goodness you are not helping at all,” Kelly said.

“Good god, Riley, just shut your mouth, please.”

Kelly doubled down on his comments and said Cooper was the last person in the world who should be coming to his defense.

“It’s like the KKK coming to the defense of Mark Fuhrman. It’s just not going to help anything,” Kelly said. “You’re not helping anyone, Riley.”

As of press time, Kelly was seen frantically running towards the Eagles media tent as several national media cameras were huddling around Cooper.

Sam Bradford wows during iron lung drills at Philadelphia Eagles OTAs
Sam B

Sam Bradford, in happier and healthier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles teammates were buzzing at the completion of OTAs yesterday, everyone wanting to talk about the new Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and his performance at the NovaCare Complex this week.

Described as being in “mid-season” form, Bradford reportedly spent most of the week encased in an iron lung, struggling to breathe as team physicians and a team priest huddled around him, monitoring the frail 27-year-old athlete.

(more…)

Chip Kelly’s draft-night plan, a play in 9 acts.

NFL_DraftChip Kelly has been really working the phones just a day before the annual NFL, which will be held tomorrow. We’ve received word that Kelly has been using some interesting techniques to try and bend the opinions of NFL GMs and coaches to give the Eagles a better opportunity to select the player they covet.

We’ve received inside information into a recent conversation Kelly had via text message to Ruston Webster, Tennessee Titans GM. The Titans currently have the second pick in tomorrow night’s draft. Let’s take a look, shall we?

(more…)

Chip Kelly completely spaces on upcoming NFL draft
Shit!

Shit! We’re going to blow this, aren’t we?

Philadelphia, PA – A panicked Chip Kelly burst into the NovaCare Center Tuesday morning, hundreds of pages of print outs slipping from his hands as he sprinted into his office, screaming at his top officials to meet him in Conference Room A in five minutes.

“We spaced, we fucked spaced on the draft this week!” Kelly screamed, as he slammed hastily printed NFL draft cheat sheets from Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay onto the table in front of several nervous front office executives. “How did we do this? We had one thing to do for the rest of the offseason, one thing, and we completely forgot about it. Please someone tell me that they saw some of the college bowl games…god we are so fucked!”

Kelly glared at Ed Marynowitz, the newest front office member, before throwing a pile of loose leaf paper at him.

“I swiped these from that lump Michael Barkann when I saw him on the subway this morning. Four eyes, scour through those and see if he has any insights on players who declared for the draft. Did Winston declare? Did Mariota? We need to figure this out!”

Kelly lifted his hands to the heavens and shook his fists angrily at God before falling back into a swiveling chair, covering his eyes.

“We cannot fuck this up. These people will kill me. These fans….shit….these fans will not let me forget it if I mess this up. Do we go defense first? Offense first? Should we make a trade? Where are we drafting, 19 right? Or is it 20? Someone sign us up for ESPN Insider, I need answers.”

As of press time, Kelly was holding an impromptu press conference where he was reportedly blaming the debacle on Howie Roseman, who had been demoted to Head of Ticket Sales.

Happy to help, Les

Hey, Les Bowen, if the extra publicity helps you do your job covering the Eagles, we’re all for it.

IMG_0316

It’s no community service playground build, but we try to help. Thanks for reading Les!

As astute and dedicated reader @CrimJimmegan said: “Les Bowen is an old raisin.”

Couldn’t agree more.

UPDATE:

Oh yeah, Les blocked us after this came up. So why don’t you let him know what you think about our article and if the publicity will help him cover the team better? Let him know the Coggin sent you and please thank him for reading!

Chip Kelly vs. Lesean McCoy, how a rumor is born (a play in 8 acts)

The Coggin has been flooded with reports today in regards to the alleged rumor of the dustup between head coach Chip Kelly and traded running back Lesean McCoy. The following is a reenactment between the two around week 12 of last season. Lets watch, shall we?

mccoy

Damn coach, too many sprints today at practice, you’ve got to be shitting me.

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600

Did you just say you want to be hitting me, Shady?!

mccoy

Wait, what? No, no coach I said you’re got to be shitting me, shitting me. Not hitting. Man get off my back.

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600

Smack? Did you just say get off my smack? You’re a big boy, Shady, you know what you said. Tell me what you fucking said.

mccoy

…….

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600

……..

mccoy

…….

Don't get too comfortable, Sam. Ahhhhhhhh I’m just messing with you Shady! I had you for a second, I have to say, I think you’d fold under questioning ::turns to Howie Roseman:: I can’t wait to trade that piece of garbage to Buffalo.

The End

Rumor: Eagles planning a blockbuster trade with St. Louis Rams
Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.

Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.

Philadelphia, PA – In an off season with a number of controversial moves and signings, rumor has it the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on trying to complete a blockbuster trade with the St. Louis Rams.

Sources are telling the Coggin that the Eagles are planning to trade Sam Bradford to the Cleveland Browns for their first round pick, and then package their first round pick and ship both to the St. Louis Rams for quarterback Nick Foles.

“Word has it that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly loves the kid….he’d do anything to get Foles. I’ve never seen him higher on another quarterback,” An anonymous source told the Coggin.

Chip Kelly did not confirm or deny the reports, but he did give a wink to a reporter when asked the question.

It would be a stunning turn of events, as the Eagles would position themselves to acquire a potential franchise quarterback to build their organization around for years to come. It would come at a high cost, but if one is to believe Kelly’s game plan, a quarterback like Foles is someone you can’t undervalue.

As of press time, Kelly was also make inquiries to the Buffalo Bills as to the availability of young running back Lesean McCoy. He was rumored to have offered the Eagles 2016 first round pick and inside linebacker Kiko Alonso.