Philadelphia, PA – Adding further credence to Chip Kelly’s claims that he and Howie Roseman did not directly speak at all last season, a leaked report has shown the NFL front office originally denied an approved contract between the Eagles and recently released running back DeMarco Murray.
Kelly made claims today that he told a middle man about potential targets he hoped the Eagles would acquire before the 2015 season. Roseman, he said, did all of the contract negotiations.
Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman is at it again, as the man apparently in charge of making personnel moves for the Philadelphia Eagles has announced that running back DeMarco Murray will be traded to the Miami Dolphins, not the Tennessee Titans as was once reported, in a move that will net the Eagles two top-tier defensive players.
When the trade is finalized by the league on Wednesday, the Eagles will officially acquire shut down cornerback Byron Maxwell and stud linebacker Kiko Alonso in the blockbuster deal.
I would say we are, yes.
2015 is the worst year I can remember experiencing in this city. The Phillies lose close to 100 games, the Eagles miss out on the playoffs with one of the most HATEABLE rosters in franchise history, the 76ers are historically terrible, and the Flyers are far and away the only bright spot in the city and they’re three games over .500.
It has not been a great year for sports in this city.
Philadelphia, PA – As a result of several Carolina Panthers menacingly wielding a bat toward New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. this past weekend, the NFL has banned all accessories and non-essential items during pre-game warmups.
The ban has negatively affected several member of the Eagles. Sam Bradford, for one, typically walked out onto the field during warmups using a pair of crutches.
A rare sight, DeMarco Murray with his helmet on and holding a football.
Philadelphia, PA – DeMarco Murray heard from the NFL front office Tuesday morning and learned he will receive a one game suspension for his horrendous inactions during Sunday night’s blowout loss against the Cardinals.
The league suspended Murray for his “egregious disregard to playing the game of football” and for multiple “deep shoulder shrugs” and “eye rolls” directed towards the heavens.
Foxborough, Mass – Following the improbable 35-28 victory over the mighty New England Patriots, Chip Kelly had to answer questions following the win on why he decided to limit or even outright bench running back DeMarco Murray for nearly the entire second half.
When asked head on why Murray sat in favor of veteran Darren Sproles and relative unknown Kenjon Barner in the biggest game of the year, keen observers noticed a faint smile creep up on the corners of Kelly’s mouth.
“We’re…umm….saving him for the playoffs. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Kelly said.
Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly benched Ryan Mathews last night during the Eagles 16-27 loss against the Carolina Panthers in favor of DeMarco Murray, who seemed a step slow all night and hesitant to hit holes opened by the Eagles meager offensive line.
The normally reserved Kelly did not shy away from media questions during his post-game press conference last night in Carolina.
“It was unacceptable. He blatantly defied orders to look confused and hesitant when he received a handoff, he didn’t fall down at the slightest bit of contact, and he didn’t meekly tip toe out of bounds five yards behind the line of scrimmage when faced with a linebacker,” Kelly said.
“It’s why he didn’t see the field for more than a few plays after that. It’s all about the system we run in Philadelphia, and he didn’t fit that tonight,” Kelly said.
Snickers the Possum.
Editor’s Note: Snickers the Possum is now 0-2 on the year. We are starting to think that employing a living, anthropomorphic possum to pick the winner of professional football games might not have been the best idea. We regret to inform you, the reader, that if Snickers does not improve his performance in the next few weeks we will be forced to throw him into a wood chipper. Take it away Snickers, no pressure.
Thanks for that, I guess. If I had known this job would be so high pressure I would have stayed in my garbage can and not accepted the website’s offer of three moldy bananas per article. No delicious fruit is worth being thrown into a wood chipper, but I digress.
Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the dead squirrel I found in the middle of Lake Street was absolutely delicious and I’m an excellent football analyst!
Poor little feller.
A few hours ago we posted an article entitled, DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road.’ Read it. It’s semi-amusing and was just an excuse for me to write something obnoxious and dirty (as always).
It’s fake, just like everything we write here, however.
One Cowboys fan, though, took the bait and took it hard, despite the masthead alerting our readers and any new visitors to the fact that everything on the site nonsense.
Philadelphia, PA – After being asked about the upcoming game this Sunday at 4:25 p.m. versus the Dallas Cowboys, his first since leaving the team, DeMarco Murray finally opened up about what it would be like to face the team that decided to not offer him a lucrative contract in the off season.
“I know I’ve been saying it’s not a big deal all week, that it’s just another game, but that’s not really the case if I’m going to be true to myself. I’m tired of taking the high road,” Murray said today after training. “Fuck Jerry Jones and his liver spotted head. You sign Dez Bryant to a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract and he gets hurt in the first week. You two can go fuck each other. I can’t wait to stomp them into the ground. Fuck this shit, I’m going to crush every single one of those pieces of shit on Sunday. This one is going to hurt. I’m going to set that franchise back two decades.”
The Coggin Toboggan 