76ers

Reports: Dario Saric charters steamer ship to America

Zagreb, Croatia – Sources have confirmed that Dario Saric, a forward for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, is currently in the Croatian port city of Sibenik and has booked himself a steerage ticket on a steamer ship and will set sail to America within the fortnight.

Saric, who has heard of far begone tales of good work and golden paved streets in America, reportedly packed his steamer trunk and bought a sack of limes from a merchant marine to ward off scurvy for the grueling trip ahead.

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Jahlil Okafor pens column blasting reporter for lack of sources

Enough is enough, says Jahlil Okafor.

The media in this city is disgusting. I wake up each and every day, shuddering as I reach for my iPhone to see what drivel reporters decide to “report” on me during a slow summer news cycle.

I get it. Newspapers are dying, you need a hook and you need something to bring in readers. Fine. But maybe do some actual reporting on a story instead of just throwing proverbial shit on the wall and seeing what sticks.

Take Tom Moore of the Bucks County Courier Time, for instance. He’s always citing his “sources” that say I’m unhappy with being in Philadelphia. Now he’s citing these “sources” saying that I’m upset the 76ers tried to trade me. It’s ridiculous.

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76ers, Sharice from Broad Street Carvery in section 120, agree to max deal

Philadelphia, PA – Despite being relatively inactive during the free agency period so far, 76ers representatives were happy to announce this morning that they had come to an agreement on a max-deal with one of the organization’s most productive and exciting young talents.

The 76ers and Sharice from the Broad Street Carvery station in section 120 agreed to a 5-year, $15 an hour max contract that will keep the 59-year-old mother of two carving meat with the 76ers until 2021.

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76ers assembling crack squad of foreign cutthroats

Furkan Korkmaz, one of several foreign athletes the 76ers have selected this year for their unique brand of “skills.”

Philadelphia, PA – Quickly realizing that the top-tier, top-flight free agents available this year were not willing to sign max deals with a young and inexperience 76ers team, team scouts have been scouring the back end courts, war-torn arenas, and shady, dimly lit half-court games at all corners of the world to assemble a cutthroat team of mercenaries and hacks to don a 76ers uniform for the 2016-2017 season.

Vince Rozman, 76ers director of basketball operations and scouting innovation, said his team of scouts were dispersed throughout the world to assemble the “best of the best” that the rest of the NBA had shunned throughout the years.

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Frazzled Bryan Colangelo completely spaces on NBA free agency

colangelo_headshot Philadelphia, PA – Citing his extremely full plate right now and a million other things he has to do, Philadelphia 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo woke up today and quickly realized he forgot all about the NBA free agency period that starts tonight at midnight.

When asked why the local sports media had been reporting all week that the 76ers would be heavy players in the free agency market, Colangelo said his dad must have been speaking to reporters again.

“God he does this to me all the time. Just let me live my life, Dad,” the harried Colangelo said, scrambling to find his cell phone. “It just completely slipped my mind, ok? Is Lebron James a free agent this year? Maybe we should call him? God this is not good, it’s Toronto all over again. How much money do we have to spend? I’ve got like $50 in my wallet, will that help?”

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76ers announce they will draft and stash every active member of roster

Philadelphia, PA – Following a productive 2016 NBA draft, but citing that they are still not within striking distance of competing for a title, 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo announced the organization would draft and stash every single member of the active roster for 2016-2017.

“It just makes sense. Are we going to win a title next year? No we’re not. So why not get these guys some experience and see what we can do in 2017-2018,” Colangelo said.

He said the 76ers will stash Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, Robert Covington, Elton Brand, Jerami Grant, Kendall Marshall, JP Tokoto, Carl Landry, Richaun Holmes, Christian Wood, Ben Simmons, Timothe Luwawu and Furkan Korkmaz in the darkest, most desolate points throughout the globe, away from the prying eyes of media and fans.

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Dario Saric makes huge announcement on his future

Dario Saric, the vaunted Croatian-born professional athlete that has been rumored for the past two years to be joining the 76ers, reached out to The Coggin Toboggan’s email address (thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com) this afternoon to make an announcement on his future.

Currently playing for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, the 22-year-old forward emailed The Coggin at 1:25 p.m. this afternoon to notify our site about his career. This is not surprising, as The Coggin is currently the most popular sports website in all of Turkey due to our comprehensive coverage of national hero Furkan Aldemir.

From his email address DSaric43589@unisa.cr, Saric sent the following to The Coggin Toboggan:

Hello and best wishes to you and yours exhalted family!

I wish to notify you about a blessed busines deal in your favour from the Turkish Basketball League of Super! Hello, am Dario Saric, a foreword for Anadolu Efes, and am very much wanting to come play the professional basketball of the USA and the Filadelphia Seven Sixers!

Unfortunately, I cannot leave my contract with the league unless a $10,000 transfer fee is paid to my coach head. I do not have the money msyelf, so in God’s name I hope you can please wire me the small funds amount so I may live my dream and play in the Americas.

I know this sounds too better to be true, but it is not! The most things of crucial to be done is to wire a transfer fee of $10,000 to complete the transaction. What are you wayting (sic) for! Please help me today.

God bless you,

Dario Saric

WOW! You heard him, we need to set up a Go Fund Me account to get him over here! This is too good to be true. What a week for the 76ers!

We’d kick in some money for this venture, but we donated all of our petty cash to Joel Embiid, who sent us an email letting us know a Congo prince had left us a “sizable” inheritance in his will after he died.

EXCLUSIVE: Dario Saric explains his new mustache

Don’t look right at it, you may go blind.

By DARIO SARIC – You must excuse my English, it’s not, ehh, so well at this point in time, but I am learning. I am very much looking forward to playing in the greatest city in the USA, Philadelphia, next year for the 76ers after my time is completed with the Anadolu Efes.

I do not know too much about America and the City of Brotherly Love, but my great friends have told me that American ladies, and especially ladies of Philadelphia, enjoy…ehh…how do you say in English…a long ride on the mustache?

Yes, that is it. They greatly enjoy a mustache ride and I’d like to give all the girls of my new hometown city a long mustache ride. It will be greatly enjoyable for all involved.

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Bryan Colangelo proclaims ‘The Process’ to be over, ‘The Procedure’ alive and well

colangelo_headshot Philadelphia, PA – New 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo has officially proclaimed Sam Hinkie’s much maligned “Process” is now over and the franchise is ready to move on to the next chapter.

Colangleo then debuted “The Procedure,” a new plan to move the 76ers into the 21st century and into a new golden era of basketball that will see the city revel in carnal delights only few mortals have ever set out to obtain.

The Procedure, he explained, would bestow enlightenment, an all-knowing aura and elite rebounding abilities to only the truest believers in the organization.

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Ben Simmons Scouting Report (by an intern confusing him with Bill Simmons)

ben_simmons-vresize-1200-675-high-10 All eyes are on the Philadelphia 76ers for the upcoming 2016 NBA draft, as the beleaguered franchise finally caught a stroke of good luck when it was awarded the first overall pick earlier this week.

Many believe the race is down to two candidates, with Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram being considered by the franchise. It seems to be an odd choice, as Ben “The Sports Guy” Simmons is well into his 40s and is a white male of average height.

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