Philadelphia police on high alert after Scottish Professional Football League announces potential match in city
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A Scottish diplomat on a recently diplomacy mission to England.

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Police Department is taking the threat of a Scottish Professional Football League Match potentially being hosted at Lincoln Financial Field in early 2017 very seriously, city officials announced this morning.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey addressed the threat this morning at City Hall.

“Yes, we have confirmation that a Scottish football match may be held at Lincoln Financial Field at an unknown date in early 2017. I’d like to stress that our citizens remain calm and begin to stockpile alcohol as quickly as possible,” Ramsey said.

“Lord knows you won’t be able to find any when the time comes.”

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13-year-old at Scripps Spelling Bee enjoying moment, knows it’s all downhill from here

1024px-scripps_national_spelling_bee_logo-svgNational Harbor, Maryland – Jairam Hathwar, 13, a finalist at the 89th Scripps National Spelling Bee, said he would enjoy every moment at the Bee because, in all likelihood, everything would be downhill from here on out.

The fabulously talented speller noted that if he wins the competition he would likely enjoy a brief moment of elevated popularity at his school, but after a week or two most would forget about his national championship and go back to making fun of his choice of shoe wear or his lack of athletic ability.

“You better believe I took a few extra moments after I nailed ‘daguerreotype’ in the finals. If I make the championship round tonight I’ll definitely be going to some of the parties available to the spellers instead of going back to my hotel to study. I need to live this up right now, it won’t get better than this,” Hathwar told reporters.

Hathwar said life would most likely not be better than his participation in the spelling bee until at least college, when the majority of people around him didn’t know he participated in several national spelling bees.

At press time, Hathwar said he would likely be disappointed if he didn’t win the 2016 championship, but was looking forward to playing some “goddamn X-Box for a change” instead of studying spelling every hour of every day.

 

‘Oh run out the godamn ball, Odubel!’ screams man scamming his disability insurance company

usa-odubel-herrera-slide_0Philadelphia, PA – A local Philadelphia man reportedly screamed at his TV Monday evening after he noticed Philadelphia Phillies center fielder Odubel Herrera failed to run out a ground ball he hit to the pitcher in the 7th inning of a contest against the Detroit Tigers.

Tom Corello, 42, who is currently scamming his disability insurance company by claiming his perfectly healthy back is too injured to allow him to work, was irate that Herrera dogged it up the line late in the ballgame.

“Oh run out the godamn ball, Odubel! Play like a professional for Christ sake,” Corello said, as he strapped himself into a fake back brace he had recently purchased from a crooked medical supply company his friend Sal had told him about.

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Philadelphia City Council proposes Mike Missanelli tax
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The solution to Philadelphia’s budgetary problems?

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia City Council and Mayor Jim Kenney announced a new tax proposal Tuesday night to help fill gaps in the 2017-2018 city budget.

After substantial blow back to a proposed sugary-drink tax, the council and Kenney proposed a Mike Missanelli douche-bag tax to fund city schools and promote healthy living as part of the mayor’s budget package.

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Lori Petty (aka Kit Keller) reads the Coggin Toboggan, sheds light on ‘League of their Own’ mystery
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The face of jealousy.

Yesterday I published a very thorough review of “A League of their Own” and the coaching decisions therein. In this post, I floated a theory that Dottie Hinson dropped the baseball during the climactic collision in the final inning of the championship game with her sister, Kit Keller, who had been traded earlier in the year.

Of COURSE she dropped it on purpose. Dottie was the best player in the league, was married to Bill Pullman, and was secure enough to quit after one season of dominating the All American Girls Professional Baseball League.

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Steve Weatherford asked to leave Planet Fitness after being determined unqualified for janitor position

An irate Steve Weatherford, the outspoken ex-Giants punter, took to social media last night to decry how he was treated by employees at a local Planet Fitness after he was asked to leave their establishment.

The ex-professional athlete, who was unceremoniously released by the New York Jets after just one game in 2015, criticized the gym franchise when he was asked to leave their premises after bombing a job interview.

The custodial position was determined to be too much for the dimwitted Weatherford, who then lashed out at the 21-year-old college senior who administered the interview.

“I’d like to apologize to you all for being such a savage at Planet Fitness,” the failed punter said. “I will never be back.”

He certainly will not be back as an employee, John Casteannos, manager of the location, told several members of the media.

“It was quite obvious Steve was not going to fit in with the Planet Fitness family. He had no experience with a mop wringer and tried to drink the Windex, asking us if he could ‘gank’ some of our Gatorade. He swigged a few gulps of it down before we could snatch it out of his hand,” Casteannos said.

“He became quite sick. It was kind of sad, really, but then he proclaimed us all to be ‘pussies,’ and that’s when we knew it just wouldn’t work out.”

At press time, Weatherford noted that he would never again attempt to work at Planet Fitness and asked if anyone had some spare change so he could take the bus home.

 

Let’s talk about ‘A League of their Own’ and the worst in-game managing decision of all time
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What an absolute joke.

In between changing diapers of my two-month-old son and intermittent bouts of crying (mostly from me) I’ve been watching a ton of TV. IFC has played “A League of their Own” nonstop over the past week, and I’ve found myself watching chunks of it at a time to keep the nagging thoughts out my head that all new parents experience (such classics as: Why did I ever want a kid in the first place? Will he ever stop crying? Could I make it to the Canadian border before my wife notices that I’ve abandoned her? You know, harmless things like that).

It’s a great movie. The gals play some baseball, everyone has a grand old time, the Americans single handedly win World War II and the girls show that a sister’s love conquers all. Great stuff. The women come from cities near and far. There are Canadians, Irish ones and Swedes. They were all for one, and one for all, they’re all American.

Tom Hanks also plays a delightful, drop-dead drunk, who if we’re being real here, probably would have smacked a few of the women around for dropping fly balls, but Hollywood just wasn’t ready to go there yet. Thank you very much, Penny Marshall.

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Bryan Colangelo proclaims ‘The Process’ to be over, ‘The Procedure’ alive and well

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – New 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo has officially proclaimed Sam Hinkie’s much maligned “Process” is now over and the franchise is ready to move on to the next chapter.

Colangleo then debuted “The Procedure,” a new plan to move the 76ers into the 21st century and into a new golden era of basketball that will see the city revel in carnal delights only few mortals have ever set out to obtain.

The Procedure, he explained, would bestow enlightenment, an all-knowing aura and elite rebounding abilities to only the truest believers in the organization.

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Tragedy strikes 97.5 Morning Show’s Meat Locker segment

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Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy befell the popular 97.5 FM Morning Show’s Meat Locker segment this morning, as host Anthony Gargano and special guest former Philadelphia Phillie Kevin Sefcik were accidentally locked in the sub zero studio and suffered varying degrees of hypothermia.

The popular segment, which sees Gargano and the 97.5 Morning Crew interview a former Philadelphia athlete from the past, is actually held in a real meat locker cooled down to -5 degrees Fahrenheit.

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Ben Simmons Scouting Report (by an intern confusing him with Bill Simmons)

ben_simmons-vresize-1200-675-high-10All eyes are on the Philadelphia 76ers for the upcoming 2016 NBA draft, as the beleaguered franchise finally caught a stroke of good luck when it was awarded the first overall pick earlier this week.

Many believe the race is down to two candidates, with Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram being considered by the franchise. It seems to be an odd choice, as Ben “The Sports Guy” Simmons is well into his 40s and is a white male of average height.

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