Pennywise the Dancing Clown and the Eagles, a perfect match

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This week Stephen King’s horrifying “It” opens in theaters on Friday and the Philadelphia Eagles open their 2017 season this Sunday against the Washington Redskins.

One is a terrifying franchise that has haunted the dreams of its fervent fanbase for decades, and the other is movie about a nightmarish clown.

Now, to the untrained eye, neither of these two things have much in common. But, for the desperate blogger who has already run out of ideas, MAYBE THEY DO?!

If you’re unfamiliar with the novel, an evil spirit appears to children as Pennywise the Clown, who lures them to their doom in a sewer or transforms into their worst nightmare to murder them. So, if you’re scared of werewolves, he’ll appear as a werewolf. If you’re scared of draculas, he’ll appear as a dracula.

What if Pennywise the Clown was real and decided to terrorize the Eagles, what would he appear as? What do the Eagles fear most?

Maybe we should take a look.

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Does this mean Craig Carton is not sending me those Nickelback tickets?
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God damn you, Carton.

I can’t believe this is happening. Just calm down, breathe….breathe….deep in, deep out, maybe I should sit down for a few minutes. You said what? Craig Carton, of Boomer and Carton, the guy I paid $1,200 to for two first-row tickets to Nickelback and Cheap Trick on Sept. 23 at the SaskTel Centre in Saskatoon, Canada, got arrested this morning? For running a fake ticket company that has allegedly scammed customers out of $2 million?

GOD DAMNIT. I’m going to miss out on the 2017 Feed the Machine Tour because of this SHIT, aren’t I?

This is worse than the time I gave Don Tollefson $2,000 for an exclusive “meet n’ greet” with Charles Barkley.

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Should the Coggin Toboggan go behind a pay wall?

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With the launch of the Philadelphia Athletic today, a new subscription based Philadelphia sports website that puts all of its material behind a paywall, it got us thinking. Are people willing to pay money for top-notch sports content in this city?

We’re banking on it, BECAUSE DADDYS GOT TO EAT. I’ve been living on catfood for the past year.

You people have been freeloading long enough. It’s time to put some money in our g-string and pay the piper. You people have picked my bones clean for LONG ENOUGH. You think it’s easy coming up with this hard-nosed, factual, original content every damned day (every other day….once a week….ok, once every month) for your amusement? It’s hard work people, I LOSE SLEEP OVER THIS NONSENSE.

I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU PENNY PINCHERS. Open up the wallet and lets see what a subscription can get you with the Coggin Toboggan. Prices after the jump.

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Jon Dorenbos is traded and Eagles Twitter vomits all over itself

jon-dorenbosBefore I start mocking the INSANE reactions to the Jon Dorenbos trade that so many decided to share on Twitter, it needs to be said that Dorenbos seemed like an insanely nice guy. His incredibly sad childhood and his determination to better himself through football and magic are inspirational and should PROBABLY be made into a movie one day (the Dorenbos role played by Miles Teller, obviously). Anyone who met him seemed to really enjoy him and had nothing but great things to say about him.

But let’s all calm down for just a second. He’s old, he’s a long snapper, and his younger long snapping replacement played well in his absence last year. When was the last time a GM actually traded a long snapper and got a draft pick for him? The answer? NEVER (I have no idea, but I’m too lazy to actually research this blatant assumption).

If he wasn’t a magician and hadn’t appeared on America’s Got Talent last year (which was awesome) nobody would have cared. Did anyone care when Mike Bartrum retired? YOU DID NOT.

On the bright side, he’s going to play in New Orleans, where the average resident thinks magic is real. BUSINESS WILL BE A BOOMING.

Let’s delve into the Twitter swamp. Did your asinine tweet make the cut? Let’s take a look after the jump.

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Congratulations to the Philadelphia Soul for winning the Ultra Mega-Bowl…or something

1470693443-1459456622_philadelphia_soul_ticketsThe Philadelphia Soul are the champions, baby! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. What a win! Once again, the Soul are the Mega-Bowl….Super Arena….Canadian….Football League champions? Something like that? Whatever they are, they are the best, THE BEST.

SOUL SOUL SOUL SOUL SOUL!

They won by like a touchdown, or a field goal, or one of those returns that the kickoff returner ran back after it bounced off those nets in the end zone…I think that counts for like 5 points, or 6 points? Either way it was awesome.

IT IS BEDLAM IN PHILADELPHIA TODAY!

The Soul beat their hated rivals the Tampa Bay Sea Dogs by a score of 44-40, or 4-0, I’m not entirely sure which one.

IT WAS ARENA FOOTBALL INDOOR CHAMPIONSHIP LEAGUE ACTION AT ITS BEST!

Who owns the team again? It’s someone famous….a singer? I think it’s a singer. Is it Billy Joel? It’s probably Billy Joel.

SING US A SONG, YOU’RE THE PIANO MAN, SING THE SOUL A SONG TONIGHT BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ULTRA-MEGA-INSANE-O-BOWL CHAMPS FOR THE FIFTH (?) SEASON IN A ROW!

Hell yes! I can’t wait to get out to that championship parade! When is it? Tomorrow? Wait…was it that Fantasy Fest thing I saw people complaining about on Twitter? Was that the parade? When did they actually play the game, I don’t know.

YOU MAY BE WRONG, I MAY BE CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MAY BE A LUNATIC YOU’RE LOOKING FOR BECAUSE I AM CRAZY ABOUT THE PHILADELPHIA SOUL!

 

First they came for Robert Lee, and I did not speak out … because I did not care
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Photo credit: CNN Money.

Kudos to ESPN for spinning controversy out of the grips of a non-story with this Robert Lee announcing controversy. Thank goodness we will no longer be reminded of a Confederate general who died nearly two centuries ago while watching an Asian man with the same name attempt to call a football game.

Instead of just letting the young man announce the UVA game and withstanding an hour’s worth of “LOL ROBERT LEE IS ALIVE AND WELL,” memes on twitter, you’ve created a mini-controversy that is garnering far more negative attention than just ignoring it in the first place.

It’s akin to looking at a gorgeous piece of forest, realizing that it may be at risk for a forest fire in the future, and then lighting a match and throwing it into a pile of dead leaves. ::claps hands as the forest goes up in flames:: GOOD JOB EVERYONE. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Is it that big of a deal that he was taken off the broadcast? Not really. It does, however, set you up for future incidents with names that people may find offensive. Kirk Herbstreit? Sounds too much like Wall Street, and you remember what happened with the real estate crash 10 years ago. GET THAT HOMEWRECKER OFF MY SCREEN, HE IS THE SOLE REASON I DEFAULTED ON MY MORTGAGE.

Think it’s just a national problem? Who is to say Philadelphians won’t start clamoring for announcers to be taken off the air in our city? Who is at greatest risk of being taken off the air for their name? Let’s investigate after the jump…

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Follow-up: OH GOD, SCIENCE PLEASE HELP ME

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Scioence, if you’re out there please helpe me. I throeuaw mysrelf at your mercy…my eyes have melted out of my head, puddles of gooo at my wreteched feet. I am blind, truly and horrifically blind.

Everyonething went bright, a blinding, flasshign scream of white light….horrific light, and then complete darkenss. Onlgy by the grace of god was I able to draga myselfeal bakc into my homes and to my compputer. I havne’t estopped screaming. The darkeness is clasing around my skull, filling my braing with evil thoughts.

I throw myselfa t the mercy of sceinece, I need new eyes, dear god what I have done. The hubris of man has been my undoing….pride is the folly of man, I so clearly see that now (irony).

tot hink I shall never see the sun fall on my face for the rest of my wretched days..

To prove man is greater than science, I shall stare at the eclipse for 10 minutes

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Eclipse this, science that, high blood pressure will put you into an early grave before you’re 45….when did we become so dependent on science? Whatever happened to the can do spirit of the modern man? When did it become so uncool to roll up your sleeves, tighten your work boots, and put in a hard, honest days work?

Science has become a crutch for humanity, and to prove we should be independent from the bane of science, I shall stare at the eclipse for a full 10 minutes this afternoon to prove that the human spirit is greater than some egghead in a lab.

Tell me, if the sun is blocked out by the moon, than why is it dangerous? I’ve stared at a shadow before and I’ve lived to tell the tale. Seems like this is just a big scam by science and the sunglasses industry to get me to shell out $25 to buy a “magical” pair of glasses to protect my eyes from the harmful UV rays that are evidently being blocked out by the moon? Everyone knows the moon comes out at night, what makes today so special? Ever think of that?

Well let me tell you something…these American eyes of mine don’t run. I love the USA, I bleed red, white and blue, and science isn’t going to tell me what I can and can’t look at.

This is the land of the free, the home of the brave…I’ll stare at what I want, when I want.

Science can go take a long walk off a short pier for all I care.

Applying for the 97.5 Fanatic on-air Midday Host open position

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The hunter has become the hunted.

Look who has come crawling to the Coggin on their hands and knees, practically BEGGING for an infusion of talent for their dying station. Our tipsters forwarded this job opening to us this morning….you think you could keep something as huge as this quiet without us knowing, Fanatic? We see all…we are all.

Job opening: 97.5 the Fanatic On-Air Midday Host.

I weep for those who plan to send in an application. The job is mine. Case closed. Can you imagine The Coggin infiltrating the 97.5 Fanatic offices? Mike Missanelli will be cowering under my boot heels within the hour.

I would hold the very position Rob Ellis once held….OH SWEET IRONY. One host a spineless, jellyfish of a man and the other a human dynamo with overflowing charisma and fabulous hair…fathers lock up your daughters, no pair of panties will go unsoaked as I strut to the studios every afternoon (I apologize profusely to any woman who had to read that last sentence).

Much like the leaflets dropped on Dresden prior to its firebombing (timely reference) I’m giving everyone at 97.5 the Fanatic fair warning that I will be applying for the position and I will be hired. Don’t like it? TAKE IT UP WITH MANAGEMENT. I’ll rule the station with an iron fist, but I will be a benevolent ruler. Anyone ever hear of a little something called Wacky Hat Wednesday?

Let’s go through the job requirements one by one after the jump.

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An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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