Philadelphia

Meet the new Philadelphia Eagles

philadelphia_eagles_logo_4008Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.

Chip Kelly and company inked both Demarco Murray and Ryan Mathews to substantial contracts for the upcoming seasons. Sure, we know what they can do on the field, but what about the men behind the facemasks?

The CT has collected a detailed look on both Murray and Mathews. Here are several facts that you may not know about the two newest Philadelphia Eagles.

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Demarco Murray signs with the Eagles for a song and a kiss
A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Demarco Murray landed in Philadelphia this morning and the spurned running back signed with the Eagles for a “song and a kiss.”

Describing himself as “extremely vulnerable,” Murray said he was disappointed that the Cowboys cast him aside and just wanted to have the “sweet caress of a song run through my ears.”

“I want no money. I have more money than any man could ever spend in a lifetime,” Murray said, taking off a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses to show his saddened eyes. “But what about a man’s soul? To receive something that touches upon a man’s inner being is worth more than all the gold and bullion in the world.”

Upon signing his contract, Chip Kelly tenderly kissed Murray on top of his forehead and launched into a stunning aria of “Ave Maria.” The music flowed lovingly from the head coach’s lips, bringing the elite athlete to tears.

“Paid in full, Mr. Kelly, paid in full,” Murray said, sobbing as he collapsed in Chip’s arms.

It’s not yet known how the contract will effect the Eagles cap space moving forward.

BREAKING:

The CT has received a recording of Kelly’s aria here.

Chip Kelly: We won’t mortgage our future, but we will reverse mortgage it
Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia, PA – At his press conference yesterday to address the recent Eagles wheelings and dealings, Chip Kelly stressed to reporters that he would not mortgage the team’s future to obtain Marcus Mariota in the 2015 draft.

He did, however, say a reverse mortgage would not be out of the question.

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Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist
Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.

Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch
RIP.

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

Sam Bradford tears both ACLs and dislocates elbow answering his cell phone
Sam B

Sam Bradford in his natural state.

St. Louis, MO – Hustling to answer his ringing cell phone yesterday, newly acquired quarterback bumped into a footstool and simultaneously tore both ACLs in his knees.

As he tumbled to the floor, the 27 year old quarterback gruesomely dislocated the elbow of his throwing arm, the joint bending in the wrong direction at a 90 degree angle.

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Ringling Bros. announces it will phase out elephant acts, Gov. Christie in need of part-time work

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey CircusTrenton, NJ – Ringling Bros, the famed circus group, recently announced it will phase out all elephant acts in its circuses after years of protests and claims of animal abuse.

The traveling circus made the announcement last week on Thursday, March 5, around 1:15 p.m.

On Thursday, March 6, at 1:20 p.m. a completely separate press release for a completely different story was sent out from the Trenton statehouse announcing Gov. Chris Christie is now available for part time working on the weekends moving forward.

“Gov. Christie simply wants to branch out and earn some extra money for a possible 2016 presidential run,” A press officer at the statehouse said Tuesday morning. “He just needs a new weekend gig to perform in…I mean work in.”

Included in the press release was a copy of Christie’s resume. Here is what Christie has listed under the “relevant work experience and abilities” section of the document.

– Superior memory. Never forgets.

– Has mastered ability to balance self on all fours atop a large rubber ball.

– Can travel quickly, as he has his own trunk. chris_christie

– Successfully reduced pension payments across the state of New Jersey during his two terms as governor.

– Will work for peanuts.

When asked if he was still satisfied with his role as governor of New Jersey, Christie stamped his foot once on the ground, signifying “yes” to the question.

Frank Gore spurns Philadelphia: I won’t play in same city as the Mütter Museum
Frank Gore, apparently looking to see if any skeletons are nearby.

Frank Gore, apparently looking to see if any skeletons are nearby.

Philadelphia, PA – Despite news coming out of the weekend that free agent Frank Gore would sign a three year deal to play for the Philadelphia Eagles, reports started to leak onto the internet yesterday that the running back was hesitating about his decision and was now leaning towards playing for Indianapolis.

Gore confirmed those hesitancies after taking a call with CT reporters. The 31-year-old running back told the CT that he would never play in the same city as that “scary ass museum” and it would “give me nightmares for years knowing it was there.”

“Nah man, I’m not playing in that city with that weird mummy museum, no way. Frank’s no dummy. You’re telling me those skeletons don’t come alive at night and roam the streets of Philadelphia? I’ve seen those Night at the Museum movies, I know what goes on in those places.”

When asked how that would be possible, Gore reportedly said “skeleton powers.”

The seemingly stable and mature athlete proclaimed he wouldn’t take that chance and was going to play for Indianapolis.

Three Mutter Museum skeletons, which may or may not have skeleton power.

Three Mutter Museum skeletons, which may or may not have skeleton power.

“I heard they have like a whole room of skulls and an entire room filled with little dead babies in glass jars. No way I’m taking the chance of going there and having one of them open their cold, black eyes, locking their vision on me to put a hex on me or something, no way.”

When told he wouldn’t have to visit the museum during his tenure in the city, Gore responded that simply being in the same city as the museum was enough.

A Mütter Museum representative, when reached for comment, would not confirm or deny reports that the museum’s skeletons came alive at night to feast on the flesh of the living.

Oh Jason….why do you do this to us?

babin

So Jason Babin has blocked us on Twitter. Why? I have no idea. Jason, we do this because we love you, don’t you know that? I mean, it’s your fault, really, when you get right down to it and think it through (not your strong point, but that’s ok).

But since he blocked us on Twitter, maybe our readers can tweet the article below to him, let him know that the CT still loves him and will continue to follow his career.

Let him know for us!

Dimwitted Jason Babin eagerly awaiting trade to Eagles
Moron.

Moron.

New York, NY – With so many moves being made over the weekend, dunderheaded defensive end Jason Babin has been sitting eagerly by his phone since Sunday evening, convinced the Eagles will be contacting him soon to reunite the 2011 dream team.

“Do you see what those guys are doing? They’re spending all of this money, they’re bringing the dream team back together!” The dimwitted Babin said. “I can’t wait to get back in that locker room. Those guys loved me.”

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