Philadelphia

The best Philadelphia sports talk show that doesn’t exist

fanaticlogo_2I’ve paid more attention to the Philadelphia sports talk landscape this year than I would care to admit, but the shows are an absolute goldmine for material that literally DOZENS of you read every single day. There are several brands of shows on 97.5 the Fanatic and 94 WIP and most of them follow the same format they’ve followed for years.

But then there are the outlier shows, like the 94 WIP mid day show, that seem to garner a lot of attention and vitriol for DARING to do something different. People can’t stand Josh Innes for trying anything new. They’d rather listen to the same nonsense day in and day out from comfortable hosts who follow the same formula each day.

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And you know what? It works. These guys make a comfortable living doing the same thing every single day. So why can’t I get in on the action? This is a script of the GREATEST Philadelphia sports talk show currently not on the air. How can the two big stations in this city not contact me after reading this gold?

This is a microcosm of how the show will run each day. I guarantee it will bring in a 35 share every day (whatever that is).

I think the show would go a little something like this…..

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Report: Sam Bradford does not deny freelancing, changing plays on offense
The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly has confirmed reports coming out of Sunday’s game against the Cowboys that Sam Bradford freelanced several of the play calls sent into his huddles.

“Sam went off script and blatantly disregarded several of the calls I made during the game. We’ll get it corrected going into next week against New York,” Kelly curtly said at a press conference Monday afternoon. He did not take anymore questions on the matter.

Bradford, however, was much more forthcoming about his “improv” during the game Sunday afternoon.

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Philadelphia Home Depots report “critical” rope shortage after weekend

ropePhiladelphia, PA – Representatives for the company confirmed today that Philadelphia Home Deports face a “critical” rope shortage in all of their citywide stores after customers purchased nearly all of the material around 8 p.m. last evening.

Security camera footage of the Home Depot on S. Christopher Columbus Boulevard showed a 50 customer deep line around 7:45 p.m. Sunday evening. The sunken eyed, pale customers each were holding about six to eight-feet of rope in the checkout line. None of them spoke and many of them were wearing Eagles jerseys and hats.

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The Eagles are a full-blown orphanage fire
Oh the humanity!

Oh the humanity!

After I retrieved my laptop from the front yard after ceremoniously hurling it through my front window, I started to think about what best represented the Eagles performance yesterday against the Cowboys.

A dumpster fire, of course, came to mind, but I didn’t think that accurately described how horrible they were yesterday. A dumpster fire is just a bunch of garbage on fire. Sure it’s smelly, but nothing of value is lost in a dumpster fire and when it goes out nobody thinks about it again.

They weren’t a dumpster fire.

The Eagles are an orphanage fire.

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Never change, Cowboys fans, never change
Poor little feller.

Poor little feller.

A few hours ago we posted an article entitled, DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road.’ Read it. It’s semi-amusing and was just an excuse for me to write something obnoxious and dirty (as always).

It’s fake, just like everything we write here, however.

One Cowboys fan, though, took the bait and took it hard, despite the masthead alerting our readers and any new visitors to the fact that everything on the site nonsense.

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DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road’

MurrayPhiladelphia, PA – After being asked about the upcoming game this Sunday at 4:25 p.m. versus the Dallas Cowboys, his first since leaving the team, DeMarco Murray finally opened up about what it would be like to face the team that decided to not offer him a lucrative contract in the off season.

“I know I’ve been saying it’s not a big deal all week, that it’s just another game, but that’s not really the case if I’m going to be true to myself. I’m tired of taking the high road,” Murray said today after training. “Fuck Jerry Jones and his liver spotted head. You sign Dez Bryant to a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract and he gets hurt in the first week. You two can go fuck each other. I can’t wait to stomp them into the ground. Fuck this shit, I’m going to crush every single one of those pieces of shit on Sunday. This one is going to hurt. I’m going to set that franchise back two decades.”

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Pope Francis cancels Philadelphia visit

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – Less than two weeks away from his highly anticipated visit to Philadelphia, representatives for Pope Francis have announced the leader of the Catholic world decided to abruptly cancel his visit.

The decision came Tuesday morning, Vatican representatives said, but a release to the press was not made available until today.

The release did not include a statement from the pope, but simply mentioned he “did not have the desire to visit Philadelphia any longer.”

However, the decision was made much more clear today, as Pope Francis made a public comment to the press from the Vatican.

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Steve Rannazzisi admits to lying about leading 76ers in scoring in 2001 season
Yuck.

Yuck.

Philadelphia, PA – Popular comedian and actor in the FX series, “The League,” Steve Rannazzisi admitted today that he lied about leading the Philadelphia 76ers in scoring during the 2001 season and winning the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award for that year.

When confronted with information that proved he was lying about the claim he made on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast three years ago, Rannazzisi posted a statement on social media claiming he made a “horrible mistake.”

“It was a foolish, horrible mistake. I was not on the Philadelphia 76ers roster that day, nor have I ever been a member of any NBA team. I don’t know why I said this. This was inexcusable. I am truly, truly sorry.”

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94 WIP Morning Show swamped with fair, level-headed callers this morning

ESPN_MNF_CLR_PosPhiladelphia, PA – The phones were ringing off the hook this morning at the 94 WIP studios, call screeners reported, as thousands of well meaning and optimistic Eagles fans hoped to express their well wishes and congratulations on a hard-fought game for their hometown squad.

“Sure it was disappointing, but you know what? They played their hearts out last night and I’m very proud of them. It’s just as good as winning, if you ask me.” said John from Fishtown, who called in around 7 a.m. this morning. “And Sam Bradford? Sure he had a rocky
start, but I believed in him all along and he showed you some good stuff. He didn’t get the victory, but how can you not be impressed by his comeback story? Does some great work for charity also.”

“My prayers go out to Cody Parkey. That kid tried his best and things just didn’t go his way, it’s not a big deal. What are you going to do? You can’t win every game,” he said, before excusing himself to hang up.

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Clubber’s prediction for tonight: Pain

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What’s your prediction for the game tonight?

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Prediction? …. Pain.

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Yes, pain is just one of many outcomes in the first Monday Night Football match up of the NFL season between the Philadelphia Eagles and Atlanta Falcons. If the Eagles much improved, but still untested, secondary can put the clamps down on Falcons wide receiving corps, than it could be a long night for Atlanta Quarterback Matt Ryan, who enters the seasons with a career 91.1 overall QB rating. Ryan has to improve on the 14 interceptions he tossed last year, especially as he will be without a clear cut first rate running back tonight with hobbled Devonta Freeman still nursing a strained hamstring. Reports from Atlanta are claiming he will play, but if not at 100% it could be a long night for any runner going up against the front seven of the Eagles defense.The Falcons will certainly be facing an uphill battle against the Eagles, whom many are predicting may make a long run into the playoffs this season and will certainly figure in as one of the premier NFC talents in this young season.

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But really, if I can be serious for a moment, there have been far too many injuries in this early NFL season and the prevalence of concussion risk will always cast its dour shadow over the game. So tonight, I urge all participants to play hard and practice the fundamentals of heads up tackling that should be the cornerstone of every professional football players skill set. So lets have fun out there, keep it clean, and just remember that you will have a life after football and you don’t want it to be ruined by chronic traumatic encephalopathy. There’s more to life than just a silly game. Take it from me, Clubber Lang.