Philadelphia

The last 20 years of the Philadelphia Flyers have been nothing but a blur

QUICK. Without looking it up, can you tell me how the Flyers season ended two years ago? Can you even tell me how their season ended LAST year? Did they make the playoffs? Was that the year Steve Mason let in a 90-foot goal against the Rangers? Or was that they year they lost in seven games to the Rangers? Didn’t they get swept by the Capitals a few seasons ago? Or was that the season they fall apart after a 10-game win streak in January and missed the playoffs, or does that happen every year?

Is Jeff Hackett still on this team? Derian Hatcher? Rob Esche? Luke Schenn? Michal Handzus?

Is Maxime Oullet EVER coming up to be the Flyers goalie of the century?

Outside of the miraculous, out of nowhere Stanley Cup run in 2010, the last 20 years of the Flyers franchise have been one long singular blur of wasted opportunities, wasted primes, and first round playoff flame-outs. The only singular identity this team has had over that period of time is the comically inept ability ability to find a franchise goalie since Ron Hextall left for the second time in the late 90s.

Ironically, the one time they actually found a young, franchise-worthy goalie they shipped his ass out of town and signed Ilya Bryzgalov to a 35-year, $250 million contract (or maybe it just seemed that long and expensive).

Watching this current team lose in overtime yesterday to the Pittsburgh Penguins as two goalies I’ve never heard of traded opportunities to blow several leads, I realized that during my adult life the majority of seasons for the Flyers have played out exactly the same.

They’re just there, in the background of our fandom. Nothing but ambient noise. No more, no less.

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IT’S HAPPENING, THIS IS NOT A DRILL, DANIEL BRYAN HAS BEEN CLEARED TO WRESTLE

Everyone stay calm. I said to stay calm, deep breaths, try not to freak out. I SAID CALM DOWN GODDAMNIT, CALM THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW ::hyperventilating:: EVERYONE JUST CHILL OUT. JUST CALM DOWN AND RELAX.

We’ve been preparing for this moment. Most of you called me MAD for my warnings, but who is the insane one now? Everything we’ve drilled for, everything we’ve prepared for, I’m sure you’re glad we did now, aren’t you?

It’s happening.

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Let’s play America’s favorite game, “What does Phil Kessel look like?!”

Let’s be honest, nobody is going to care about anything we write on this blog today or tomorrow, because March Madness is king and we all can’t wait to watch as our brackets are busted in less than 24 hours.

So, in lieu of anything mindful, challenging, or fruitful, let’s just think of various things that Pittsburgh Penguin Phil Kessel (somehow one of the greatest American hockey players to ever lace up his skates) looks like, shall we?

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Can we all stop falling for Angelo Cataldi’s P.T. Barnum shtick?

“There’s a sucker born every minute, and they’ll all call my radio show if I say something controversial about Carson Wentz and the Eagles.”

I know, I know. I’ve seen Angelo Cataldi’s tweet about Carson Wentz and Nick Foles this morning too. It’s crazy right? Doesn’t it make you furious that someone could be trumpeting this OUTRAGEOUS line of thinking just a mere month after the Eagles finally won a Super Bowl?! It’s infuriating, and I bet you can’t WAIT to give him a piece of your mind.

But, before you fire up the twitter accounts and lob some well-deserved insults Cataldi’s way, I’d like you to first take a breath, step away from your keyboard, and give this question some deep, deep thought.

Do you really think he believes this nonsense?

Of course he doesn’t.

Angelo Cataldi is the jowly, tepid Philadelphia sports talk radio version of P.T. Barnum, and he knows how to play this city and its fans like a fiddle to line his own coffers.

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Gronk is unhappy with the Patriots Way? Nobody tell Teddy Bruschi

Reports came out this morning that Rob Gronkowski, who likely would be entertained if you gave him some shiny tinfoil and small bits of string to play with, did NOT have a nice time playing for the New England Patriots this year.

But, but, but wait….everyone’s favorite sourpuss and Lane Johnson criticizer Teddy Bruschi said winning cures all and football isn’t MEANT to be fun as long as you’re a Patriot!

So what gives? It’s like Lane Johnson was on to something when he said he’d rather have a fun time playing football for a player friendly coach and winning a Super Bowl rather than being part of a totalitarian regime of a football franchise that treats its players like interchangeable commodities instead of actual human beings.

In a CBS Boston report by Tom E. Curran, Gronk has apparently had it up to HERE with the Patriots and the mythological “Patriots Way.”

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Phillies plan to refurbish and display Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell at CBP by 2019

In 2012 I sent an email to a contact I had within the Phillies organization with an odd request. Could he get me more information, and possibly the location, of the old Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell?

Six years later after countless emails, dead ends, contradicting accounts, and one extraordinarily helpful South Philadelphia food distributing company president, the Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell has found a permanent home back with the Philadelphia Phillies.

“I wanted to let you know that we are no longer in possession of the Liberty Bell. A while back we were contacted by the Phillies organization about reacquiring the bell. After discussing it internally, we decided that the plans we had to display the bell were too ambitious for now, and returning the bell to the Phillies provided the best chance for it to be ‘resurrected’ and given a chance to be displayed and appreciated by Phillies fans again,” Sean Scollon, chief business intelligence officer at C.W. Dunnet & Co., told The Coggin Toboggan.

James Trout, director, marketing services and events for the Phillies, confirmed the organization has the bell. The Phillies plan to refurbish the approximately 20-foot high, 15-foot wide bell and put it on display for fans at Citizens Bank Park as early as the 2019 season.

Any additional plans or location for the bell at the stadium is unknown at this point, he said.

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Sleepy old has-been furious at Jason Kelce’s award winning* championship speech

*2018 Super Bowl Winning Speech of the Year, as voted on by The Coggin Toboggan

Oh Mike Francesa, did somebody not get their nappy earlier this week? The sleepy, longtime radio personality (who is doing radio now more than ever after his retirement) decided his virgin ears were BESMIRCHED by Jason Kelce’s epic Super Bowl speech on the step’s of the Art Museum during last Thursday’s Super Bowl parade and called on Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to cut the Pro-Bowl center for his lewdness.

Francesa dropped his own, far-less entertaining rant on the WOR Sports Zone, and was most likely heard by dozens upon dozens of fans listening on their HAM radios.

NBC Sports Philadelphia transcribed Francesa’s “old-man yells at cloud” moment for all of us to enjoy and mock forever:

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Happy Valentine’s Day to you from your lovers at The Coggin Toboggan

I’ve been meaning to tell you guys something for a while now…I’m usually not one to beat around the bush, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m a straight shooter, okay? I just come out and say what we want to say, you know? I don’t dance around things, I don’t hint, I don’t nudge, I just come right out and say it. Yes, I come right out and say what I truly believe, do you know what I’m saying?

I…I love you guys. Will you be my Valentine?

Philadelphia is too happy and it feels too weird

It’s been a week and a half since the Eagles won the Super Bowl. The sun is shining just a bit brighter, the grass is just a bit greener, and the horse manure caked into Broad Street tastes just a little bit sweeter.

Nobody is complaining, everyone is getting along, the Flyers and Sixers are a combined 8-0 since the Eagles finally brought a Lombardi back to Philadelphia.

This city is jubilant, we’re all in great moods…does it feel wrong to anyone else?

I’m not saying it’s bad to be feeling this way, it just doesn’t feel RIGHT for Philadelphia.

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Who shouldn’t be thanked after the Eagles Super Bowl victory?

The Eagles won Super Bowl LII. They won the Super Bowl. FUCKING FINALLY, they won the Super Bowl.

Last night I posted a heartfelt story about the win, about watching the game with my dad, my brother, my wife and wishing my other brother had been with us (instead of watching it in the city) to celebrate in our joy.

But that’s not us, right? That’s not The Coggin Toboggan. We have a “no hugging, no learning” rule like Seinfeld, but I figured we could at least break it for one night after a once in a lifetime moment.

Let’s get back to basics. Let’s get mean again, let’s get childish, let’s get back to our ROOTS as the most hated blog in Philadelphia.

Everyone in the franchise is thanking everyone for the Super Bowl win. God. Their family members. Belichick for inexplicably benching his start cornerback for no reason. It’s exhausting.

Who shouldn’t be thanked? Who deserves to be ridiculed and chastised for doing absolutely nothing for the franchise or the city? Here’s a running list of all those in franchise history who should NOT be thanked following last night’s Super Bowl victory:

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