New York City, NY – Documents leaked to the media this morning have revealed that NBA officials are notably concerned that the Phantom of Sam Hinkie will attempt to disrupt the proceedings of the 2016 draft lottery, scheduled to be held tonight at approximately 8 p.m.
Hinkie, the disgraced former GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was believed to have perished in a great fire in his home office the night his resignation letter to the franchise was published by numerous media outlets.
Philadelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, Chairman of Basketball Operations for the 76ers, arranged a second corporate partnership this morning and announced the deal at a press conference earlier today.
Colangelo, who reportedly arranged and brokered the new business deal by himself without consulting owner Josh Harris, said the deal would allow for a large patch on the back of each jersey for the next three seasons.
“This is truly an exciting day for the organization. Not only do we have an agreement with StubHub to place a patch on the front of each jersey, but I have arranged for a patch from ‘Crazy Charlie’s Crematorium’ to be placed on the back of each jersey for the next three years,” Colangelo told the assembled media.
In Logan’s Run, a 1976 sci-fi movie starring Michael York, in the futuristic year of 2274 those who reach the age of 30 are hunted down and vaporized. Each citizen is implanted with a “Life Clock” that blinks red when they turn 30, notifying the “Sandmen” who hunt down the “Runners if they do not give up quietly.
My Life Clock went off this weekend after watching the NBA All-Star festivities. I guess I’m a runner now.
3…2…1….
Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.
Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.
“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.
At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.
Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”
Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.
The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:
“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”
As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.
(For best effect, please listen to the song at the end of the article.)
Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie, along with 10 other Philadelphia basketball legends, left for Brooklyn this morning in five non-descript black SUVs, having spent the past several weeks concocting a plan to assure the 76ers win the NBA draft lottery this evening.
Furkan Aldemir, most likely high on lotus blossoms.
Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie has yet to tell noted Philadelphia small forward and noted oddball Furkan Aldemir that he was traded to the Sacramento Kings last week for a second round pick.
The GM has been seen approaching Aldemir for the past several days after practice and before games, only to become unnerved and walk away when the unshaven Turkish athlete would make eye contact with him.
Hinkie’s most recent attempt came last night before the tip-off in Miami, but he was rebuffed when he noticed Aldemir was methodically sharpening a collection of scimitars he ships to each away game.
“Yes, he was traded last week to the Kings for a second round pick, but nobody has told him yet. It’s, well, it’s a difficult situation, I have to say,” Hinkie said, visibly flinching when he heard a loud noise come from outside of his office. “Is that him? Jesus, he freaks me out. The other day he brought a trashbag into the locker room and something was rustling around in it and it smelled awful. Brett tried to tell him to leave it outside, but he smashed it against his locker and the rustling stopped.”
Hinkie noted that he figured Aldemir would “get the drift” when he wasn’t listed on the 76ers active roster and hadn’t played a minute since last Thursday, but the athlete remains blissfully unaware of his fate.
“As long as he continues to be allowed to sleep in the locker room on a mat of straw, has his chamber pot emptied that he insisted upon in his contract, and the commissary has plenty of blood boar sausage on hand, I don’t think he’s ever going to leave this place willingly,” Hinkie said, shuddering.
As of press time, Aldemir was seen glaring at Hinkie, a small doll of Hinkie’s likeness on a stool next to him and a box of poisoned pins in his lap.
I need more second round picks…I desire them.
Philadelphia, PA – After a flurry of activity at the trading deadline yesterday, the 76ers are down to four active players on the roster for tonight’s game vs. the Indiana Pacers.
“Perhaps we went a bit overboard after we traded Michael Carter Williams, KJ McDaniels, Robert Covington, Luc Mbah a Moute, Nerlens Noel, Henry Sims, Hollis Thompson, Joel Embiid, Henry Sims and Jason Richardson for three first round picks and 37 second round picks in the 2015 to 2035 NBA draft,” GM Sam Hinkie said today.
The only remaining players on the 76ers roster are JaVale McGee, Tony Wroten (injured), Andrei Kirilenko (has yet to appear in a game), and Jerami Grant. A D-league player from the Houston Rockets was included in the bevy of deals, but has refused to step foot in the Philadelphia locker room for fear of being traded again.
“We have assets, oh so many assets. Just think of what we could trade with these second round picks….maybe we could get more second round picks!” Hinkie said excitedly, as his underlings looked nervously at each other.
Several sources from the 76ers front office have expressed fear that Hinkie has become mad with power. After the deadline passed, Hinkie was found in his office speaking into a telephone that was clearly not plugged in.
“He was trying to trade Franklin the Dog (the 76ers new mascot) for a new emcee to announce the games. We had to put a stop to this,” A source said.
To round out the roster for the next game, the 76ers announced they would select a lucky fan from the crowd prior to tipoff to start at point guard.
“3…2…1”
“Fuck yeah.”
What the hell just happened?! Who is on the 76ers anymore…I’m so confused. Can they even field five players for the next game? KJ McDaniels and MCW gone. Excuse me while I go throw up in the mens room for the next three hours. Hinkie, you mad genius, you may have gone TOO far after you obviously read my fabulous column about the 76ers being the most exciting team in the city.
You magnificent bastard.
Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:
Philadelphia 76ers (8-33). Brett Brown looks like he wants to punch Sam Hinkie in his face every time he sees him.
You vultures. Do you know what you’re putting Joel Embiid through? Ever since the report came out calling him a lazy, fat bum, Embiid has developed a pretty nasty eating habit. He’s been “cleansing” (drinking only chickory, lemon water, and Siracha) for the past week trying to lose weight and it’s really fucking with his head. We all found him passed out on the locker room floor after we were blown out by Detroit, speaking in ancient tongues that only Furkan Aldemir seemed to understand. He ran to his locker and came back clutching a sprig of wolfsbane, which he slapped across Embiid’s face until he came too.
After practice today, Nerlens came in and saw him hunched over a small plasma television, watching something intently. Nerlens asked him what he was doing and Embiid said he was “watching tape.” We went over to him and saw the television wasn’t even plugged in.
I hope he pulls it together.
We play the Knicks tonight. What a great showcase of NBA basketball this will be.
Corie Blount! Philadelphia 76ers power forward from 2001-2002. Larry Brown knew he needed one more cog to push the 76ers over the hump after bowing out in the 2001 championship round against the Lakers, but my-oh-my Corie Blount was not that cog. The 33-year-old waste of space had one and only move whenever his stone hands actually caught a pass, a blind, horrible turnaround jump shot that usually found itself bouncing off the skull of a fan in the fifth row of the First Union Center.
Blount appeared in 72 for the Sixers (somehow starting 21 of them) for the defending Eastern conference champions and did not dazzle. He averaged 6.5 points a game and less than a block a game, but to his credit he did average about 9 rebounds a game, most of them quickly followed up by a turnaround jump shot off the top of the backboard or an errant pass clanging off the scoreboard of the First Union Center.
Blount did lead the team in one key category….most times being called a “Waste of space hack” by Allen Iverson, averaging about 6.3 times per game.
Corie Blount Fun Facts:
– Blount was sentenced to one year in an Ohio prison in 2009 for marijuana possession. He did not see the irony in his arrest which cost him serious votes in the “High Times” Man of the Year award.
– Shoved into a locker by Dikembe Mutombo after every single home game.
– Unsuccessfully tried to get his teammates to call him and Iverson by the dual nickname, “The Answer and the Question.” Was shot down by Aaron McKie after he reportedly said, “The only question I can think of is why you’re still on this team.”
– Lost to a 14-year-old fan in a halftime “Layup, free throw, three point shot” contest. Was stuck on the free throw portion for 25 shots.
– Attended one of Pat Croce’s pirate ship dive excursions during the all-star break. Was left in the middle of the Pacific Ocean after Croce “forgot” he was still underwater. Made it back to the team for the start of the second half of the season, to the disappointment of everyone.
The Coggin Toboggan 