Eagles

Kiko Alonso undergoes leg amputation, questionable for Sunday’s game

HjDqsVLKPhiladelphia, PA – Mystery is still surrounding the injury status of Eagles inside linebacker Kiko Alonso, who has yet to be officially ruled out of Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins despite undergoing an emergency amputation of his injured leg.

While having his knee scoped by Dr. James Andrews, the esteemed doctor detected massive amounts of necrosis and infection in his injured left knee and had to order an immediate amputation of the linebackers leg just above his banged up keen.

“Well, we’re going to see with Kiko. He may be able to rehab the injury, he may have to get additional surgery. We’re just not sure where he is right now,” Chip Kelly said before Thursday’s practice.

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Caleb Sturgis warns Eagles fan to “cool it” while he’s around

Caleb_SturgisPhiladelphia, PA – Newly signed kicker Caleb Sturgis had some strong words for the sometimes harsh Philadelphia Eagles fans and told them all to “preach patience” until he became familiar with the intricacies of kicking at Lincoln Financial Field.

“I know Eagles fans can be a little ‘saucy’ at times and may have a bad reputation for throwing batteries at Santa, but I’m no pushover. Just cool it with the harsh talk and potential cat calls until I get a chance to prove myself and figure out the wind patterns at the Linc.”

Sturgis then pointed his finger into the camera and gave it a stern look.

“I’m not joshing. Just try me, Eagles fans. Really, just try me. I don’t put up with any bunk.”

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Snickers the Possum is now 0-2 on the year. We are starting to think that employing a living, anthropomorphic possum to pick the winner of professional football games might not have been the best idea. We regret to inform you, the reader, that if Snickers does not improve his performance in the next few weeks we will be forced to throw him into a wood chipper. Take it away Snickers, no pressure.

Thanks for that, I guess. If I had known this job would be so high pressure I would have stayed in my garbage can and not accepted the website’s offer of three moldy bananas per article. No delicious fruit is worth being thrown into a wood chipper, but I digress.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the dead squirrel I found in the middle of Lake Street was absolutely delicious and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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Miles Austin takes walk down injury lane at Monmouth University
Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

West Long Branch, NJ – A smile appeared on Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin’s face when he emerged from the team bus this afternoon. He was, after all, returning to the university where he spent four glorious, injury ravaged years before making his way into professional football.

Austin, the university’s all-time record holder for receiving yards with 2,867, fondly recalled some of his more debilitating injuries on the Monmouth University football field.

“Looking back on it, the excruciating pain I felt almost every day of my life here is next to nothing from what I suffer through now, but it really helped me get ready for my professional career,” Austin said, as he limped towards the practice field.

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Report: Sam Bradford does not deny freelancing, changing plays on offense
The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly has confirmed reports coming out of Sunday’s game against the Cowboys that Sam Bradford freelanced several of the play calls sent into his huddles.

“Sam went off script and blatantly disregarded several of the calls I made during the game. We’ll get it corrected going into next week against New York,” Kelly curtly said at a press conference Monday afternoon. He did not take anymore questions on the matter.

Bradford, however, was much more forthcoming about his “improv” during the game Sunday afternoon.

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Philadelphia Home Depots report “critical” rope shortage after weekend

ropePhiladelphia, PA – Representatives for the company confirmed today that Philadelphia Home Deports face a “critical” rope shortage in all of their citywide stores after customers purchased nearly all of the material around 8 p.m. last evening.

Security camera footage of the Home Depot on S. Christopher Columbus Boulevard showed a 50 customer deep line around 7:45 p.m. Sunday evening. The sunken eyed, pale customers each were holding about six to eight-feet of rope in the checkout line. None of them spoke and many of them were wearing Eagles jerseys and hats.

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The Eagles are a full-blown orphanage fire
Oh the humanity!

Oh the humanity!

After I retrieved my laptop from the front yard after ceremoniously hurling it through my front window, I started to think about what best represented the Eagles performance yesterday against the Cowboys.

A dumpster fire, of course, came to mind, but I didn’t think that accurately described how horrible they were yesterday. A dumpster fire is just a bunch of garbage on fire. Sure it’s smelly, but nothing of value is lost in a dumpster fire and when it goes out nobody thinks about it again.

They weren’t a dumpster fire.

The Eagles are an orphanage fire.

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week
Snickers the possum.

Snickers the possum.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the Johnson’s poodle got what it was coming to it when it was smooshed by a car and I’m an excellent football analyst!

Now, last week I was a little off in my prediction, but who would have thought Byron Maxwell would suddenly forget how to play football and take a metaphysical dump all over the Atlanta field.

I know it’s a bit of a shock, but even Snickers the Possum is wrong once in a while, but this week is a surefire lock for our hometown Philadelphia Eagles who are opening up Lincoln Financial Field against the hated Dallas Cowboys.

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94 WIP Morning Show swamped with fair, level-headed callers this morning

ESPN_MNF_CLR_PosPhiladelphia, PA – The phones were ringing off the hook this morning at the 94 WIP studios, call screeners reported, as thousands of well meaning and optimistic Eagles fans hoped to express their well wishes and congratulations on a hard-fought game for their hometown squad.

“Sure it was disappointing, but you know what? They played their hearts out last night and I’m very proud of them. It’s just as good as winning, if you ask me.” said John from Fishtown, who called in around 7 a.m. this morning. “And Sam Bradford? Sure he had a rocky
start, but I believed in him all along and he showed you some good stuff. He didn’t get the victory, but how can you not be impressed by his comeback story? Does some great work for charity also.”

“My prayers go out to Cody Parkey. That kid tried his best and things just didn’t go his way, it’s not a big deal. What are you going to do? You can’t win every game,” he said, before excusing himself to hang up.

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Clubber’s prediction for tonight: Pain

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What’s your prediction for the game tonight?

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Prediction? …. Pain.

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Yes, pain is just one of many outcomes in the first Monday Night Football match up of the NFL season between the Philadelphia Eagles and Atlanta Falcons. If the Eagles much improved, but still untested, secondary can put the clamps down on Falcons wide receiving corps, than it could be a long night for Atlanta Quarterback Matt Ryan, who enters the seasons with a career 91.1 overall QB rating. Ryan has to improve on the 14 interceptions he tossed last year, especially as he will be without a clear cut first rate running back tonight with hobbled Devonta Freeman still nursing a strained hamstring. Reports from Atlanta are claiming he will play, but if not at 100% it could be a long night for any runner going up against the front seven of the Eagles defense.The Falcons will certainly be facing an uphill battle against the Eagles, whom many are predicting may make a long run into the playoffs this season and will certainly figure in as one of the premier NFC talents in this young season.

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But really, if I can be serious for a moment, there have been far too many injuries in this early NFL season and the prevalence of concussion risk will always cast its dour shadow over the game. So tonight, I urge all participants to play hard and practice the fundamentals of heads up tackling that should be the cornerstone of every professional football players skill set. So lets have fun out there, keep it clean, and just remember that you will have a life after football and you don’t want it to be ruined by chronic traumatic encephalopathy. There’s more to life than just a silly game. Take it from me, Clubber Lang.