BREAKING NEWS

Don’t ignore Angelo Cataldi, rub his face into his accidents to teach him a lesson

Before I jump into this, I want to assure you that I know exactly what Angelo Cataldi is doing here. Every dumb take, every contrarian opinion he vomits up on his twitter feed or his Philly Voice column is carefully crafted by an old troll to elicit the biggest response, whether it be positive or negative. I fully doubt he’s had an original or personal thought in his mush filled head for the past decade, as everything he does is designed to bring the most eyes and ears on him as possible.

It’s why he’s the most popular media personality in the city and has been for the last 30 years. He’s a played out old hack with a played out format for a morning show that still CRUSHES the ratings and lays waste to all that comes before it.

Most people will say to ignore him. He’s trolling for attention, they say, and wants a reaction to his nonsense. If he doesn’t get one, he’ll go away.

He’s not a bear, people. Playing dead doesn’t work. He’s not going to just “go away.”

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And with the 25th pick in the NFL Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select….

…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!

It’s the morning of the NFL Draft and it’s time yet again to invite the rest of the NFC East to eat shit, to eat it long and slow, because the Eagles are STILL the most recent team in the division to win a Super Bowl and it is our RIGHT as champions to roast the rest of the putrid teams in our division.

Yes, I know EVERY SINGLE other team in the NFC East has more championships than the Eagles, but who has the most recent one? The E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES do, damnit, so until that changes this will be an annual roast day to thoroughly humiliate the rest of the NFC East.

We did it last year. We’re doing it again this year. And hopefully the tradition will continue for many years to come.

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Our long national nightmare is over

The power of social media is a vast and mysterious one.

After years of going unacknowledged, the Coggin Toboggan namesake, David Coggin, one of the greatest Phillies relief pitchers of all time, followed us today on Twitter.

WHAT A DAY TO BE ALIVE.

We lived up to our end of the bargain and donated to David’s charity of choice. We’ve already raised $200 for the Daniel Robertson Family Foundation. If you’ve ever enjoyed this blog over the years I strong advise you make a donation. It’s a great cause.

Now all that’s left for us to do is dust off the old toboggan, polish the girl up, and sled off into the great beyond.

The Coggin Toboggan extends an olive branch to David Coggin in the name of charity

David Coggin. The man. The myth. The legend. The impetus of the greatest Phillies fan group that never got off the ground and the fuel that keeps the best Philadelphia sports blog running hot for the past four years.

But Coggin doesn’t see his namesake. No sir. Coggin blocked us on Twitter YEARS ago, even before I started this stupid blog, after one or two rashly fired off tweets in the name of “comedy” that I thought he would enjoy.

We were young, David, don’t hold us accountable for the sins of our past.

But that all changes now. David, we’re launching a charitable campaign OF YOUR CHOOSING if you unblock us from Twitter and acknowledge our existence. We just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask?

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Bryce Harper scared the Nationals and their fan base straight last night

You want to act hard, Washington? You want to act like you don’t care that one of the best young players in baseball chose the PHILLIES over your putrid little franchise and your half-filled stadium?

Well Bryce Harper welcomed you into gen pop, took your shoes, took your belt, and made you follow him around by his pockets last night as he scared the entire Nationals franchise and their fans straight while thousands of invading Phillies fans made life miserable for the home crowd.

He demanded your fruit cups and you gave them to him because you’re all talk and you know it. You’re fresh fish and he’s just reeling you in.

FRESH FISH FRESH FISH FRESH FISH FRESH FISH.

Harper, the Phillies, and the traveling caravan of Phillies fans punked the entire Washington franchise and their cutesy attempts to welcome back the man that won them an MVP in 2015.

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A booing comparison of Bryce Harper and Giancarlo Stanton’s home debuts

I can’t believe this is a narrative that is already taking off. Thanks to NJ.com and two hapless idiots who decided to boo Bryce Harper in the vicinity of some schmuck recording on their iPhone, the national media is now trotting out the old tired narrative of Philadelphia fans being too harsh on their own players.

Thanks to NJ.com and this headline, “PHILLIES FANS BOO BRYCE HARPER ON OPENING DAY AFTER TWO STRIKEOUTS” you’d be hard pressed to defend Phillies fans for their boorish behavior. Booing Harper on his first day of a 13-year contract? That’s absurd and ignorant.

And then you see the video after the jump and what the “booing” consisted of.

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50 predictions for the 2019 Phillies

The Phillies are BACK baby. The crack of the bat, the smell of the outfield grass, all that that corny horseshit that hack sports journalists use in bad prediction articles a day before a 162 season begins without undertaking any research at all.

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TO ME.

Who better to tell you what to look for and to make wildly incorrect predictions than someone who hasn’t been to a game in person since 2013 and watched less than 20 innings of baseball COMBINED last year.

But that’s never stopped us before. Like our vaunted 76ers prediction column (actually got a few right in that one if you don’t count all of our horrible Markelle Fultz predictions) we’re bringing you, the fan, 50 of our boldest predictions for the Phillies season.

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Now that the letter “R” is out, whose jersey on the Phillies is worth buying?

The Phillies posted an interesting sign at their merchandise store, informing a rabid buyer’s market that the franchise had completely run out of the letter “R” for their adult home and road jerseys.

Ranger Suarez fans must be crushed.

After a record setting period of Bryce Harper jerseys sales, the Phillies are 100% out of the letter “R” for adult home and road jerseys. Juvenile “Rs” are still available, but your stupid kid probably wants a Zach Eflin jersey so it doesn’t matter.

I’m sure the Phillies will soon bring an enormous crate of “R’s” into the team’s warehouse and John Middleton will get out his needle and thread for those BRyce HaRpeR jerseys, but if you can’t wait until that moment and you absolutely, positively need a jersey today, who would be your best option?

The answer is nobody great.

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A psychic source from beyond the grave has confirmed Bryce Harper to the Phillies

Now look. I’m not a big psychic guy. It’s my opinion and my opinion alone that psychics are nonsense and they exist purely to bilk honest, weak-minded, and often times devastate people out of their money for a “service” that has been proven time and time again to be bullshit.

But in times of dire crisis, no stone must be left unturned and every source must be exhausted for answers. Maybe someone who dances with the devil under the pale moonlight can give us a hint to where Bryce Harper will spend the next decade of his career?

Because let’s face it. Nobody but Bryce Harper (and the Lord) knows where Bryce Harper is going to sign this offseason, but that doesn’t stop pundits and MEN WITH SOURCES to tweet out every rumor and every inkling of movement ad nauseam to desperate fans begging for scraps of information like a starving dog in a morgue.

It’s exhausting. Jon Heyman has confirmed Bryce to half the league by now and he’s working on the other half this afternoon while pleasuring himself to a picture of Harper combing his hair. Howard Eskin’s sources have confirmed Harper to the AAF. Angelo Cataldi is readying a Philly Voice article criticizing the Phillies for either signing Harper or for not being able to successfully land him.

It’s enough to make you crazy. So in a moment of weakness, I turned to an unlikely source for salvation.

And he did not disappoint.

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March 1 is Bryce Harper Day, For Better or For Worse

I’m calling it. Like Dr. Kevorkian told his nurse on their last case of the day, “Pull the plug and let’s get the hell out of here to beat the traffic.”

As the preeminent voice of the common Philadelphia sports fan I’m declaring March 1 as Bryce Harper Day. Punch and pie will be served, but the event is BYOC (bring your own cyanide).

I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the tweets, the speculation, the “hilarious” fake twitter accounts that claim to be in the “know” about Harper signing. The takes. The internet sleuths reading into Harper’s dumb tweets and every promotional photo of him like conspiracy theorist and the Zapruder film. Is he wearing a Phillies branded arm sleeve in that photo?! IS THAT A SHOOTER ON THE GRASSY KNOLL IN RIGHT FIELD?!

I’m sick of the will they-won’t they tension that gets annoying and stale in a sitcom after one season (I’m looking at you, “The Office”). Just fuck and get it over with.

March 1 is it. If Bryce Harper has not signed with Philadelphia by the new month please join me in declaring him dead to the city.

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