Phillies

Local father threatens disobedient child with possibility of going to a Phillies game

Philadelphia_PhilliesAn exasperated father warned his daughter this morning that if she didn’t behave herself he would be forced to take her to tonight’s Phillies game.

Charles Grandowitz, 42, of Cherry Hill, issued the threat to his daughter, Kaylee, 8, after she ignored his request to empty the dishwasher and clean her room.

“Kaylee, so help me, if you don’t get those done like I asked you to by noon today, we’re going to go to that Phillies game tonight, I can promise you that,” Grandowitz said in a menacing tone as his daughter watched television.

“I’ll march you right to that car, drive half an hour into the city, and make you sit there for the entire nine innings. And for what, to see the likes of Cameron Rupp and Howie Kendrick? I promise you, that’s what I’ll do if it teaches you a lesson.”

(more…)

Pete Mackanin caught on video giving team the finger for three straight innings
MLB: Philadelphia Phillies at Arizona Diamondbacks

He’s had it.

Video surfaced this morning after a fan at the Marlins 10-2 victory over the Phillies afternoon matinee showed Phillies head coach Pete Mackanin clearly giving his own team the finger for three straight innings and two non-consecutive innings thereafter.

This comes on the same day Mr. Met was shown flipping off a fan at last night’s Mets game. Does Major League Baseball suddenly have a problem with its employees conduct?

The fan shot video showed Mackanin silently waiting at the top of the dugout steps from innings three through five, as the Marlins pounded the Phillies to take an 8-0 lead. As each member of the Phillies trudged back into the dugout, they were greeted by Mackanin flipping each of them off with his right hand, middle finger gleefully extended towards to the heavens.

(more…)

Sweaty, untalented journalist Marcus Hayes is descending upon Syracuse University

C8_EZE4XcAA0W-jAs if Syracuse isn’t a depressing enough place to live in already, Philadelphia’s muskiest sports journalist Marcus Hayes is taking his talents to upstate New York to teach young, impressionable sports journalists the fine art of accusing beloved, local sports figures of racism with no concrete evidence or first-hand anecdotes.

May god have mercy on your souls.

I know what you’re thinking if you’re a journalism student at Syracuse. SURE, it seems like a great idea to attend the symposium of an alum who has “made it” in the world of sports journalism, but what’s the catch?

Oh yeah, he’s an untalented hack and will teach you absolutely nothing.

(more…)

Area dads announce intentions to wax poetic about crack of the bat, green grass, all that horseshit

scwesxjbWith another opening day finally upon us, area dads have announced they plan to fondly discuss attending past opening day Phillies games with their fathers, their distinct memories of the smells of the old Veteran’s Stadium, and all the other horseshit that will be quickly forgotten by June.

Area dad John McMartin, 48, told reporters Monday that he planned to turn the game on today at 4 p.m., sit down with his son, Anthony, 9, and his daughter Jamie, 6, and watch the first two innings of the Phillies vs. Reds until all three inevitably lose interest and go their separate ways.

(more…)

San Francisco Giants release former Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins

jimmy-rollins-headshot-9ff3104f41942be8The San Francisco Giants announced yesterday that 17-year MLB veteran Jimmy Rollins would not make the team’s final roster.

Rollins, who famously led the Philadelphia Phillies to its first World Series victory since 1980 after declaring them the team to beat. He is one of 8 players, and the only shortstop in the history of baseball, to hit 200 home runs, 500 doubles, and collect 400 steals.

Rollins won three Gold Gloves in his career and was named baseball’s MVP in 2007.

Rollins is reportedly contemplating retirement after hitting .125/.222/.250 with the Giants this spring.

REPORT: Rookie Brock Stassi can’t wait for it to go all downhill from here

030616_brock-stassi_1200

Brock Stassi lowered his guard for a few moments yesterday and cried tears of joy after being informed he had made the Phillies 2017 opening day roster and quickly realizing that it would go all downhill from this point onward.

Stassi told reporters he would forever savor this moment before the city inevitably turns on him for his poor play.

“This is what everyone who has ever played an inning of little league dreams of. It’s been a long journey, drafted in the 33rd round, all those years in AAA, it makes this all the more satisfying,” Stassi said.

“I can see it now, by June I’ll be hitting .220 in limited plate appearances, the sports talk stations will begin to wonder why the Phillies are wasting a roster spot on me, and fans will start to grumble every time they hear my name announced on the PA system at Citizen’s Bank Park when I’m called upon to pinch hit in a key situation, knowing full well I’ll likely ground out into an inning ending, rally killing double play. It couldn’t be more perfect.

Stassi added that he was already planning out a series poorly thought out social media miscues blaming the fans for not supporting him during his struggles in July.

Chris Christie’s CBP comments likely stem from embarrassing concessions incident in 2012
mw-bc409_christ_20130507085322_mg

A model New York Mets fan if there ever was one.

An anonymous source from within the Phillies organization reached out to the Coggin Toboggan offices this afternoon with information to help “clear up” the comments made by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie this past week.

The high ranking source with the Phillies said Christie’s unprovoked commentary about the organization likely stemmed from an incident in 2012 when the governor visited CBP for a tilt against the New York Mets.

(more…)

Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car

iPhiladelphia, PA – Ryan Howard, the last member of the 2008 World Series roster, bade farewell to the fans and the organization yesterday in what was his last game in a Phillies uniform.

The Phillies honored their beloved slugger prior to the start of yesterday’s game, allowing a tearful Howard to address the crowd.

“It’s amazing, the appreciation from the organization and the fans,” Howard said. “To have it recognized, it’ll live with me forever.”

(more…)

Deadbeat dad really going all out with upper deck Phillies tickets in September
phils

Not pictured: Two happy sons.

Philadelphia, PA – Fans at the Phillies, White Sox game Tuesday night confirmed that Thomas Wilkenstein, 46, deadbeat father to two sons Johnathan, 12, and Mike, 9, was really “going all out” for his boys by springing for three upper deck tickets for an out-of-division matchup in the final two weeks of a disappointing Phillies season.

Several attendees sitting near Wilkenstein and his clearly despondent boys noted that the deadbeat had bought them a bag of peanuts “to share” and his promises to buy them each a Phillies helmet sundae had gone unheeded and would likely end up unfulfilled.

(more…)