Free post day! Free post day!
Too easy. Sure I could sit here and make dumb jokes on my computer and you could send me hate mail and virus laden emails, as is the norm, but Ruben Amaro decides to go insane and spout this gem of a quote in a recent interview:
What, are you going to cry now?!
Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.
Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.
Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.
“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.
Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.
After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.
Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.
“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”
As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.
He’ll be so much happier now.
Philadelphia, PA – Following a 4-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday night, current third baseman Cody Asche was optioned to a big farm with plenty of wide open spaces to transition into a much more happier life than the Phillies could ever provide for him.
“He’s going to a big farm where he’ll have plenty of space to run around, to dance and prance among the poppies, somewhere he’ll be much, much happier,” Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly told the clubhouse after the game. “He’s going to like it so much better there.”
The 24-year-old third baseman was reportedly seen being loaded into a nondescript white van and transported away from the stadium after the game.
Several members of the roster expressed confusion as to why Asche had to leave.
“But…but Rube…why did Asche have to go. Will we ever see him again?” A tearful Ben Revere asked the GM, sitting atop Amaro’s knee in the clubhouse.
“Cody just needed to be somewhere else. It wasn’t because you were a bad boy, he just wasn’t going to become the best ballplayer he possibly could with our organization. No, no Ben, we can’t visit him. His new family would be much too sad. This is better for all of us.”
As of press time, observers noted hearing a loud shotgun blast from the van transporting Asche. The vehicle then made a sharp left and started to drive towards the waterfront.
A very brave and courageous man.
Philadelphia, PA – After seeing the inspiring Bruce Jenner special this past week, in which the world famous athlete described his transition and inner struggle with becoming a woman, Ruben Amaro Jr. called an impromptu press conference this morning and invited past and present Phillies athletes to attend.
In his declaration to the media, Amaro promised a “breathtaking reveal.”
In front of hundreds at the press conference, a visibly shaken and nervous Amaro approached the podium, took a deep breath, and began his announcement.
“Ladies and gentlemen, for the past six years, I have been the general manager of the Philadelphia Phillies,” He said, stammering for a second before pausing to collect his thoughts. “This, this is much harder than I thought it would be. I watched Bruce Jenner on ABC this past weekend and he was so brave, letting people know who he really is. It’s about time that everyone knows the real me.”
“I just…people need to know. I need them to know the real me,” he said. He looked around the room and took a very deep breath. “People need to know that I’m not a winner. The real me, the real me to the core, is a complete loser.”
Amaro took a moment to dab at his eyes with a handkerchief and then continued.
“I know I had some good years with this team, but last year and this season have been the real me. I’m a loser, a big fat loser. Wow…that feels good. I can promise all of you that I will no longer pretend to be a winner in front of any of you. This is me, take it for what you will.”
As of press time, Larry Anderson was muttering to himself in the back of the room as he looked on disinterestedly.
“Who the fuck didn’t know that?”
I can hear that beat right now….
Philadelphia, PA – For the third season in a row, Phillies fans rated the “Bongo Cam,” the in-game piece of entertainment, as the most recognizable and enjoyable part of the Phillies franchise.
“For the third year in a row, the Phillies fans have spoken. In our annual poll of our season ticket fans, The Bongo Cam was far and away the top performer. The fans not only named it the best fan experience in the stadium, but also said it was the most dependable member of the franchise and wished it could play right field,” an anonymous Phillies employee told The Coggin.
The festive video encourages fans to get out of their seats and play an imaginary pair of bongos on the Phillies big outfield screens. The video always brings a smile to the face of the guests as they watch their fellow fans play along with the lively music.
“Usually it’s by far the most entertaining part of any game they attend,” the employee said. “We began playing it every eighth inning last year to at least give the fans an excuse to stay that late.”
For the third year in a row, Jonathan Papelbon and Ruben Amaro Jr. finished at a tie in dead last in the poll.
Sorry Phanatic, you’re going to hell.
I have read this article ever year on Opening Day for the past five seasons. It might be, and I quote, the single greatest thing I have ever read involving Christianity and Philadelphia baseball. Every single time I read it, I marvel at how much joy I’m able to garner from someone that has a vastly different worldview than I do.
Please, before reading the horrible things I have to say, go read it for yourself. It’s acceptable to be a Phillies Phanatic but a fanatic about Jesus? Not so much. by Lisa Small.
Philadelphia, PA – In a stunning move this morning, acting Phillies President Pat Gillick announced that GM Ruben Amaro Jr. has been let go from his contract. He cited years of down play from the team, questionable free agent signings and one of the worst trade records from any general manager in all of professional baseball.
“We felt this is what was best for the Phillies. For Ruben to take them from where they were in 2009 after I left and to have them be here…my goodness, why were we keeping him on for this long,” Gillick said.
Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Phillies announced today that all concession stands that currently serve alcohol will expand their services to include wine and hard liquor for fans.
Additionally, a gentleman named “Big” John will be selling black tar heroin within the confines of CBP, front office officials announced.
“We are always looks for new ways to make attending a Phillies game a better experience for our fans, and we feel these new offerings will really improve the ball park visit,” a source said. “We will be offering top shelf spirits, aged red/white wine, and the finest smack that money can buy.”
Fans of the drug will be able to purchase the substance from the North Philadelphia native during all home games. He will be trolling for customers behind the Phanatic Play Place from innings 1-4, and will complete the games in the mens room in section 119.
Some of “Big” John’s finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.
“It was a fabulous business opportunity and I had to jump at the chance when approached by the Philadelphia Phillies. I’ve been looking to expand my venture and this was a perfect synergy between a depressed fanbase looking to brighten their spirits during 10-2 blowouts in early May,” Big John said.
“Big” John cut off the interview after declaring the Coggin reporter “looked like a narc.”
Clearwater, Fla – Following a stellar two game opening to the 2015 spring training, new rule 5 draft member of the Phillies Odubel Herrera told reporters through a translator that he can’t wait to have a solid year for the team, and then be promptly signed to an organization-crippling contract.
“It will be an honor to follow in the footsteps of some of the guys that have been here for years past their prime, like Ryan Howard and Chase Utley,” he said. “Hopefully the city will enjoy a few of my good years, and then curse Ruben for keeping me on far too long after my usefulness has declined.”
The speedy infield and outfielder said if fans are lucky he will be signed to a multi-year deal and promptly undergo some kind of microfracture surgery to accelerate the process.
In other spring training news:
• Mike Schmidt, who has taken Dom Brown under his wing, has mistakingly been calling the young player by the name Tom Drown all spring. Nobody has cared enough to correct him as of yet. The CT will be keeping tabs on this story as it develops.
• Darrin Ruf and Freddy Galvis reportedly had to be separated by several teammates yesterday after they were heard having a heated argument over who would be a bigger disappointment this season.
• After allowing two runs in two innings during his first appearance, Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez was placed on a wooden raft by manager Ryne Sandberg and nudged out into the ocean towards the direction of Cuba.
• Ruben Amaro reportedly lost the team’s international player signing budget after he wired $5.6 million to a “Nigerian Prince” who sent him an email in December, telling him he would place Amaro in his will for the sum of “12 MILION DOLLLARS US OF A DOLLARS” if he sent him the money through Western Union.
• Charlie Manuel, in town as a special hitting instructor for the Phillies, is still fuming after his recent betrayal at the hands of Ric Flair at last months Royal Rumble. Manuel cut several seething promos to the Nature Boy, promising him that the next time they see each other will be different.
“Naitch, listen here. I used to call you my friend, now the next time we meet I’ll be stomping a mud hole in your ass.”
Flair has yet to respond.
Domonic Brown, hard at work.
Clearwater, Fla – Domonic Brown addressed the media yesterday after the team’s afternoon session and stated that he believed the Phillies were not all on the same page last season.
“Personally, I don’t think we all had the same goals last year, we weren’t playing Phillies baseball. This year, I want everyone to be on the same page as I am for the 2015 season” he said. “I will try my best to help us lose every single game we play this year.”
“Whether I’m striking out in key situations or making sure that I’m grounding into a double play with a 3-0 count to end an inning rally, I’ll be doing everything possible to make sure we’re one of the worst teams not only in our division, but also the entire major league.”
Brown expressed disbelief that anyone who watched his performance from last season could doubt he was trying to lead by example.
He pointed out his numerous fielding gaffes on routine fly balls as a way of really giving it all to make sure he and the team failed at the highest level.
“What do I have to do this year to prove myself? Throw a live ball into the stands when I think it’s the third out in the bottom of the 9th inning in a tie game with the runner on third? Bat right handed a few times in the middle of a game? I’m giving it my all people, and I hope the rookies on this team look to me as a perfect example of what they should be doing to make sure our fans lose interest in this team by mid-May,” he noted.
If every single player in the locker room did not believe this team could go “0-162, then, man, I don’t know why you’re here in the first place.”
At the conclusion of the interview, Brown was seen practicing throwing dropped fly balls over home plate into the luxury boxes of the stadium.
The Coggin Toboggan 