Philadelphia Flyers

City of Philadelphia: ‘The 76ers season isn’t over yet?!’

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – With no NCAA tournament games scheduled for Monday, and during intermission between the first and second period of a pivotal Flyers game against the New York Islanders, the overwhelming majority of Philadelphia sports fan expressed their surprise that the Philadelphia 76ers 2015-2016 season had not yet concluded.

An entire city worth of sports fans, who clicked over to The Comcast Network to catch a repeat of Daily News Live, were shocked to see the 76ers in the middle of a third quarter bout against the Indiana Pacers.

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Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upsetPhiladelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.

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Flyers website traffic increases by 8,000%

Flyers-LogoPhiladelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Flyers office team website crashed yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after its usual traffic increased by approximately 8,000%, completely overloading the organization’s servers.

Flyers representatives reported the servers were down for around three hours as IT employees tried to scramble to handle the influx of traffic.

“It was the damndest thing I had ever seen. I turned off the Eagles game and tried to log into the site and it just wasn’t working. Google said the site was overloaded, I’ve never seen that before,” said Thomas Ingram, head website developer of the Flyers.

As of Monday morning at 10 a.m., the Flyers had reportedly sold 5,000 more pairs of season tickets and Flyers jerseys saw an increase of 500% in sales. A number of potential buyers were even inquiring if the Flyers accepted trade-ins of other city team jerseys for Flyers discounts.

“This city must be hockey crazy! It’s going to be a great year!” Ingram said.

As of press time, DeMarco Murray jersey sales plummeted by 90,000% from last week.

Pronger contract livid it was traded to Phoenix

Stubbs-Cole-Contract-LawPhiladelphia, PA – After four days since being traded, Chris Pronger’s contract broke its silence and lambasted the Flyers for trading it to Phoenix.

“Phoenix, are you fucking kidding me? Phoenix of all places….it’s like being traded to Siberia. What have I done to deserve this? Hextall, if I ever see you again I’m going to give you the biggest paper cut,” The $4.9 million contract said. “And you trade me there with Nicklas Grossman? No way in hell I’m sharing a flight out there with that mouth breather.”

The contract proceeded to break a wooden desk to pieces in front of several stunned reporters.

Stephen Whyno, an NHL reporter and analyst, said the Phoenix Coyotes have had their eyes on the contract for years and believe he still has a lot to bring to the table.

“The contract instantly becomes the most valuable piece of their organization…and I’m not saying that in a figurative way, it is literally more valuable than anything they have. The arena they play in was recently assessed at just $1.2 million,” he said.

Despite its insistence it would not play for Phoenix, team representatives fully expect it to be on ice at the start of training camp.

As of press time, the embattled contract was mulling over whether it should set itself on fire or actually make the trip to the desert.

BREAKING: Flyers hire Reggie “Reg” Dunlop as next head coach
File photo of Reggie "Reg" Dunlop.

File photo of Reggie “Reg” Dunlop.

Philadelphia, PA – In a surprise move this morning, Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced the next head coach of the organization. Reggie “Reg” Dunlop will officially be named as the 19th head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.

The move comes as a bit of surprise to fans and the hockey world, as Dunlop has no previous NHL experience. His last coaching experience was with the Charlestown Chiefs in the Federal League, a low level, semi-professional league.

Dunlop served as a player-coach for the Chiefs, and it’s unknown if he will do so for the Flyers.

“Reggie has years of experience coaching and playing. His hard nosed, but loose, style of coaching will fit well with the Flyers and fans will love him,” Hextall said.

Even though he has no NHL experience, Dunlop has a proven track record of grooming young and exciting hockey prospects. Of course, Dave “Killer” Carlson and Ned Braden are two of the lesser known players groomed by Dunlop, but the three most well known prospects were the fabled Hanson brothers (Jeff, Steve and Jack) who led the Federal League in penalty minutes for 10 straight seasons.

Dunlop has had several on-ice incidents which may be construed as black marks against his character, including putting a bounty on the head of rival forward Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken and inciting a bench clearing brawl after claiming Tommy Hanrahan’s wife was a lesbian.

Despite his eccentricities, Dunlop is known for his affinity for “Old-time hockey.”

“I’m looking forward to showing these guys the ropes. Heard you have some great bars in Philadelphia, should be a real gas,” Dunlop said at an impromptu press conference this morning. “You have some great sportswriters here too, they really capture the spirit of the thing, you know?”

As of press time, Dunlop was reportedly feeding a rumor to Philadelphia Inquirer Flyer beat writer Sam Carchidi that a wealthy retirement community in Florida was interested in purchasing the team.

Craig Berube sent to unemployment box

BerubeDL_2013_2Sorry Craig, apparently “Rowdy” Ron Hextall got tired of the nonsense you put the roster through for the past season. Zac Rinaldo playing in front of Lecavalier? REALLY? Vinny was fairly terrible this year, but he’ll give you more impact on the ice compared to Rinaldo. If you need someone to throw and elbow and get a 10 minute game misconduct in the first five minutes, Zac’s your guy.

It’s been fun, Craig. You had a hell of a run last year and the magic just didn’t translate over to this season. Nice to see the career years by Voracek, Mason and Giroux were wasted during their prime playing years.

Here are a few predictions for what happens to The Chief now:

– Immediately hired back by Ed Snider for a front office position under Hextall.

– Signed to play for the team next year, as Snider deems the roster too soft.

– Opens a barbershop and calls it, “Chief’s Tomahawk Shop: Where we gettem you a good deal for your wampum.”

– Waits outside of the WFC to fight Steve Mason.

Obscure Philadelphia Athlete of the Week: Dave Babych
DaveBabych

Dave Babych’s mustache led the league in penalty minutes in 1985.

Dave Babych, you marvelous son of a bitch. A depth defender on the Philadelphia Flyers for a season and a half, Babych’s main claim to fame on the squad was an unbelievable handlebar mustache (and a horrific lawsuit against the Flyers in 2002 that claimed a misdiagnosis of a foot injury shortened his career, but who’s counting) that he used to deter opponents due to its shear awesomeness.

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Braydon Coburn made aware of trade by brick through window
Braydon Coburn, during a less horrific moment of his life.

Braydon Coburn, during a less horrific moment of his life.

Philadelphia, PA – Early this morning, around 2 a.m., Braydon Coburn was traded from the Philadelphia Flyers to the Tampa Bay Lightning for a 2015 1st and 3rd round pick and defenseman Radko Gudas. However, after the deal was made, Flyers GM Ron Hextall could not reach the 30-year-old defenseman through his cell phone to notify him of the move.

Showing the team’s new dedication to high level analytics, Hextall chalked up a plan never before seen to make sure the defenseman knew he was on his way out of Philadelphia.

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Flyers lose to wives, 4-1

10FCH135_PRF4Philadelphia, PA – Coming off an emotional, 4-2 victory against division rival New York Rangers Saturday night, the Flyers again played down to an inferior opponent and lost to their wives 4-1 during the annual Flyers Wives Fight for Lives Carnival on Sunday, March 1.

Nicole Warnecke, longtime girlfriend of Jakub Voracek, scored two goals for the wives and girlfriends during the annual ice hockey game which concluded the annual carnival.

“It was great to get out there and skate with the boys, hopefully they’ll be able to recover from this loss though and lead the team into the playoffs,” Warnecke said. “Sure they lost out on 2 points today, but we were super proud of their effort and we know they’ll bounce back.”

Keshia Chante, Ray Emery’s longtime girlfriend from Chicago, outplayed Steve Mason and kept the wives in the game as the Flyers peppered her with shots all afternoon.

“What can I say. They gave us a great game and came out on top. It was a great opportunity to gain some ground on the Bruins and the Panthers for that final playoff spot and we just blew it. Hats off to the wives, they were just better than us today,” Claude Giroux said.

Hali MacDonald, wife of Andrew MacDonald, stifled Giroux and Voracek all afternoon with vicious back checking and hard nosed play. Her husband, Andrew, was scratched from the game.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers? (and the SNL 40th anniversary)

Jerry-Seinfeld-001Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! Can’t they just have one season where they’re good from start to finish? I’m sick of it! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, just pick one side and end it! I hate anyone who ever had a pony growing up!

But seriously, don’t get our hopes up and get to within a few points of the playoffs and then crap out, it’s just not fair to anyone. It would be as unfair as a black woman who tried out for our show in the 90s, they just stood no chance! Look to the cookie!

So either go for it, Hextall, or just trade away some talent so we can be good again in a few years. You can’t have it all. I told the same thing to Michael Richards about his standup career, but I think we all know what happened with that. What’s the deal with homework, you’re not working on your home?

So millions saw Larry and I on tv last this past Sunday for the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live. Larry was a writer for the show for two seasons from 1984 to 1985. When we first met he told me about a sketch he kept pitching to the cast that nobody would do. He suggested a cast member take out a bag of cocaine midway through the show and literally BLOW it up the ass of Lorne Michaels with a straw on camera. He said he got the idea from Stevie Nicks, who eroded her nose so badly with booger sugar she had to pay a roadie to use the straw trick before each Fleetwood Mac show from 1979 to 1983. The only cast member who toyed with the idea was Jon Lovitz, but every time David provided him with the cocaine he would disappear into a bathroom and do the entire eightball himself. They were some of the best shows he ever did.

Lorne never did forgive Lovitz for going along with Larry’s idea and arranged the RIP in memoriam gag last Sunday as a result. Fun fact, Lorne kept looking backstage for Charles Rocket, claiming he was the only one of us desperate enough to cut Lovitz’s brake lines for a few thousands bucks. Nobody had the heart to tell him Rocket died 10 years ago.

What’s the deal?!