Philadelphia Flyers

Donald Trump: “Ed Snider was a loser and I will make the Flyers great again”

donald-trumpPhiladelphia, PA – Donald Trump, a Republican candidate for the presidential nomination, held a competing memorial for Ed Snider in the Wells Fargo Center parking lot after he learned Snider’s will specifically banned him from any Flyers events for the rest of his life.

The blustering blow hard, speaking in front of an assembled group of mouth breathers and malcontents, denied that he had been kicked out of Snider’s suite during a playoff game for speaking too much during the action.


Flyers already regretting planned game 4 handout for fans


A member of the Philadelphia Flyers ice crew cleans up wristbands thrown on the ice during the game 3 loss.

Philadelphia, PA – Following several incidents during game 3 where fans threw pre-game giveaway bracelets onto the ice, Flyers front office representatives are re-thinking their decision to hand out Ed Snider commemorative paperweights to each fan attending game 4 of the NHL playoff matchup against the Washington Capitals.

The solid glass paper weight, which features a picture of the beloved owner Ed Snider, weighs approximately 10 pounds.

“Maybe we didn’t think this through. These are kind of heavy, aren’t they? Pretty solid. And the corners cut into these? They could do so some serious, serious damage,” said Joe Heller, senior director of marketing for the Flyers.


Ed Snider, too cool for this world


Photo Credit to Comcast Spectacor.

As everyone has surely seen by now, Ed Snider, long time owner of the Philadelphia Flyers and a previous owner of the 76ers, passed away today after a two-year battle with cancer.

Not too much we can offer to the conversation that hasn’t already been said, but Snider was the MAN. Just loved his Flyers, tolerated his Sixers, and never knew a draft pick he wouldn’t trade at the deadline to bring in some world class talent.

Just look at that picture to the left. Sweet double-finger point, slicked back hair, awesome pin striped suit. You have to respect it.

He stood up to the USSR in the 70s. Who does that? Ed Snider does that.

Just a quick anecdote about Snider. My brothers and I used to sit in a suite for a few games each year that was directly next to Snider’s personal suite. You could tell he didn’t want to speak with ANYONE during the games. If any well-wishers or family members came up to him during play, he just straight up ignored any attempt at conversation. You could almost see the veins pulsating in his head as some young grandkid or long removed great nephew tried to DARE speak to him when the Flyers were on a Peco Power Play.

It made the games more nerve wracking to be next to Snider, because you’d look over and he’d be living and dying with each shot. Just tense the entire match-up, ignoring all of his family members around him and most likely gritting his teeth as he listened to the jackasses bitching and whining throughout the crowd after ever poor play, trying to identify their voices so he could have security rough them up in a back room during a TV timeout.

He had his own personal television installed in front of his seat, binoculars and a land line phone that he would pick up every so often and have secret discussions on. Who was he talking too?! The head coach? Claude Giroux? THE PRESIDENT?!

He was probably just ordering snacks, but it was still awesome.

Ed, you will be missed. Easily the most dedicated and passionate owner in the city.

You knew what the fans wanted in this city and you tried to give it to them every season, and that’s more than any other owner in this city can say.



City of Philadelphia: ‘The 76ers season isn’t over yet?!’

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – With no NCAA tournament games scheduled for Monday, and during intermission between the first and second period of a pivotal Flyers game against the New York Islanders, the overwhelming majority of Philadelphia sports fan expressed their surprise that the Philadelphia 76ers 2015-2016 season had not yet concluded.

An entire city worth of sports fans, who clicked over to The Comcast Network to catch a repeat of Daily News Live, were shocked to see the 76ers in the middle of a third quarter bout against the Indiana Pacers.


Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upsetPhiladelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.


Flyers website traffic increases by 8,000%

Flyers-LogoPhiladelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Flyers office team website crashed yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after its usual traffic increased by approximately 8,000%, completely overloading the organization’s servers.

Flyers representatives reported the servers were down for around three hours as IT employees tried to scramble to handle the influx of traffic.

“It was the damndest thing I had ever seen. I turned off the Eagles game and tried to log into the site and it just wasn’t working. Google said the site was overloaded, I’ve never seen that before,” said Thomas Ingram, head website developer of the Flyers.

As of Monday morning at 10 a.m., the Flyers had reportedly sold 5,000 more pairs of season tickets and Flyers jerseys saw an increase of 500% in sales. A number of potential buyers were even inquiring if the Flyers accepted trade-ins of other city team jerseys for Flyers discounts.

“This city must be hockey crazy! It’s going to be a great year!” Ingram said.

As of press time, DeMarco Murray jersey sales plummeted by 90,000% from last week.

Pronger contract livid it was traded to Phoenix

Stubbs-Cole-Contract-LawPhiladelphia, PA – After four days since being traded, Chris Pronger’s contract broke its silence and lambasted the Flyers for trading it to Phoenix.

“Phoenix, are you fucking kidding me? Phoenix of all places….it’s like being traded to Siberia. What have I done to deserve this? Hextall, if I ever see you again I’m going to give you the biggest paper cut,” The $4.9 million contract said. “And you trade me there with Nicklas Grossman? No way in hell I’m sharing a flight out there with that mouth breather.”

The contract proceeded to break a wooden desk to pieces in front of several stunned reporters.

Stephen Whyno, an NHL reporter and analyst, said the Phoenix Coyotes have had their eyes on the contract for years and believe he still has a lot to bring to the table.

“The contract instantly becomes the most valuable piece of their organization…and I’m not saying that in a figurative way, it is literally more valuable than anything they have. The arena they play in was recently assessed at just $1.2 million,” he said.

Despite its insistence it would not play for Phoenix, team representatives fully expect it to be on ice at the start of training camp.

As of press time, the embattled contract was mulling over whether it should set itself on fire or actually make the trip to the desert.