Philadelphia Flyers

Kimmo Timonen’s blood clots announce comeback

Flyers-LogoPhiladelphia, PA – As Kimmo Timonen returned to the ice this past week to skate and possibly practice with the team, several blood clots in his right calf announced it was time to mount a comeback.

“We feel this is what’s best for us in terms of getting back out there and giving it all we’ve got. Really, I don’t feel like we can be stopped at this point and we’re going to make an incredible splash when all is said and done,” the gelatinous lump of platelets said.

Since Timonen has started to prep for a return to the ice, the clots knew they would have a bigger impact once the lights were at their brightest. Despite suffering what could be described as a final setback due to several combinations of medication, the clots are ready to come back to the forefront in Timonen’s life.

“Kimo really has shown a lot of heart through this entire endeavor, so we figured we’d show as much fight as he is and make one last run here,” the clot said. “Ironically, we’re going to his heart, so hopefully this will work out for everyone.”

As of press time, the clot was making slow, but steady, progress and was hoping to reach it’s final goal by the middle of next week.

Flyers sign Dan McCord to shore up goalie situation and avoid Sudden Death

Sudden-Jean-Dam_400

My god look at the flexibility.

Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced Wednesday morning the Flyers have come to an agreement with free agent goalie Dan McCord, who last appeared in an NHL game in 1995 for the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Championship against the Chicago Blackhawks.

A Canadian-born firefighter, McCord appeared in one game in his career and faced exactly one shot, a clean breakaway save, before he initiated a bench clearing brawl and disappeared off the ice. As the media later found out, McCord was foiling a plot masterminded by ex-federal employee Joshua Foss, who threatened to blow up the Pittsburgh’s arena, the Igloo, if millions of dollars were not transferred into several offshore accounts of his choosing.

At the game with his son and daughter, McCord learned of the plot after his daughter was kidnapped by a terrorist disguised as the mascot of Penguins. He later disposed of the mascot during an all out brawl in the arena’s underground kitchen with a combination of Kung Fu and cunning.

“McCord is a hero, a real Canadian hero, and he also has the highest save percentage of any goalie to ever make an appearance in the 7th game of a Stanley Cup,” Hextall said. “Plus, did you hear about how he shoved a broken chicken bone into one of those thugs carotid arteries? Oh man, that is so awesome. Totally boss.”

MSDSUDE EC003

McCord and his children.

While trying to hide from several of the terrorists, McCord entered the Penguins locker room where Pittsburgh goalie Tom Barrasso was suffering from a severe fever. McCord was able to strip Barrasso of his equipment and change into it to avoid detection, even making his way out to the Pittsburgh bench where he was promptly inserted into the game and made his fabulous save to preserve the game for the Penguins.

“That was more than enough to convince us that McCord was the right man for the job. Well, that, and also when he fashioned a homemade dart gun and hid it up his sleeve, using it to shoot a terrorist in the neck when he was in a tight jam. He is the best,” Hextall said.

McCord was scheduled to be at the Flyers morning practice, but was reportedly seen running into the basement of the Wells Fargo Center with a knapsack of plastic explosives and an AK47 strapped across his shoulders.

Dan McCord career stats:

Games played – 1

Save percentage – 100%

GAA – 0.00

Shots faced – 1

Terrorists foiled – 10+

Mascots kicked into a dishwasher and strangled – 1

Federal agents turned bad and set on fire – 1

Broken chicken bones shoved into necks – 1

Days saved – 1

220px-Sudden_death

The DVD cover of the documentary based on McCord’s exploits.

Dave Schultz snubbed at the Grammys

dave-schultz-55748623

Another year, another loss for The Hammer.

Los Angeles, CA – For 38th year in a row, Dave “The Hammer” Schultz came up short at the Grammy Awards for his hit single “The Penalty Box.”

The once beloved NHL goon recorded the smash single in 1977, stepping out of his comfort zone and singing a catchy ditty about his experiences in the penalty box during an NHL game.

Schultz was once again nominated for Song of the Year, Best Pop Vocal Album and Best Pop Solo Performance for the 38th year in a row. Unfortunately for The Hammer, he was snubbed yet again for a Grammy.

“The biggest regret of my professional hockey career is not winning a Grammy. Every year I come in as the favorite, every year I leave empty handed to spend out the rest of my days in the penalty box,” Schultz said, dejectedly.

“Baby, how long will you keep me in the penalty box? Oh It’s lonely in the penalty box. I know I broke the rules, but rules are broken by fools,” Schultz quotes from his hit single.

You be the judge….did he deserve to capture a Grammy this year?

Giroux barely keeping straight face while discussing Rinaldo suspension

010914-zac-rinaldo-600

Zac Rinaldo, moments before probably being suspended.

Philadelphia, PA – Claude Giroux valiantly tried to suppress several giggles at a press conference yesterday to discuss the eight-game suspension of teammate Zac Rinaldo.

“Yeah, it’s umm…umm….it’s going to be really tough….oh god guys give me a few seconds here,” Giroux said, trying not to break down in fits of laughter as he tried to form a coherent response. “Woo….just have to get through this. Why are we even talking about this? I mean, how are we EVER going to get by without Zac? I mean, 4 points and a -7 in 36 games this season, yeah, who is going to be able to put up those numbers.”

Giroux audibly chortled several times during his address to the press, his face turning beet red during several moments as he tried to stop from laughing.

Giroux finally couldn’t contain himself and laughed for three-minutes straight after Sam Charchidi asked him if any of the younger players on the team would be able to fill Rinaldo’s shoes for eight games.

“I think Frank Bialowas could strap on skates at this point and at least hover around a -7, and I heard he couldn’t even skate backwards,” Giroux said, punctuating his response by flipping off Charchidi for 25 uninterrupted seconds.

The last time Giroux had such a difficult time getting through a press conference was when Randy Miller asked him if he thought Dan Carcillo was the “heart and soul” of the 2009 roster.

BREAKING: Mike Richards waived by LA Kings, Holmgren physically restrained

031112-paul-holmgren-400

Holmgren, no doubt thinking of adding a 12th year to another high-priced contract.

Philadelphia, PA – Two-time Stanley Cup Champion Michael Richards was waived this afternoon by the LA Kings, which resulted in full-blown panic in the offices of the Wells Fargo Center.

“Oh god, oh god has anyone seen Paul? His checkbook isn’t in his desk and his cellphone is gone, we have to find him before he makes a huge mistake,” Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall reportedly yelled, as he tore through the stadium to try and find the current Flyers president.

Employees were on high alert with the news this morning. A longstanding rule is in effect for employees to find, restrain and detain former Flyers GM and now president Paul Holmgren whenever high priced, declining stars are released from their teams.

Disaster almost struck last year when an employee found Holmgren negotiating a $20 million, five-year deal with former Flyer John Leclair.

7350762062_f94419770e_b

Richards, wondering if Holmgren will add the 12th year to his new deal.

Paul Holmgren signed then captain Richards to a 12 year, $69 million contract in 2008. Three years into the deal and an overall decline in production, Richards was traded to the LA Kings for Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn and a second round draft pick.

Richards went on to win two Stanley Cup championships with the Kings, despite never reclaiming his top-level play.

Hextall reportedly found Holmgren being restrained by several members of the Flyers ice-team, who had smashed his Blueberry and had confiscated his check book.

“He was fervently trying to dial up Richards when we found him, thank goodness we got here in time,” Hextall said.

Hextall thanked the employees and reminded them to keep an eye on the waiver wire if/when Ilya Byzgalov is release by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! (and Rob Konrad)

Jerry_SeinfeldJerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal, Philadelphia Flyers?! You have the top two scorers in the league, yet you’re floundering around in your division worse than Rob Konrad in the Atlantic Ocean! If Bobby Clarke were still the GM, you know he would have traded Claude Giroux for Martin Brodeur and Al MacInnis by now to “change the attitude” of the team.

But what is the deal with this Rob Konrad guy? Sure, you allegedly “fell” off your boat trying to reel in a fish, just like Michael Richards said he allegedly told those people in the comedy club they had “chiggers” in their hair. It just doesn’t add up! One jellyfish sting and you would have sank to the bottom of the ocean, something’s not right here!

Does anyone believe this story?! What’s the deal?! 17 miles in the ocean and you’re able to swim to shore with just a mild case of hypothermia? That’s like Jason Alexander snorting an 8-ball of coke and arriving at the hospital with just a mild case of brain damage, it just doesn’t add up. What’s the deal?!

Come on Flyers, try to string together a few wins before one of your defensemen or goalies get hurt again. What’s the deal with these fragile professional athletes getting hurt every two seconds?! Steve Mason kicks his leg out for a save one minute, and the next he’s flopping around on the ice like a clubbed baby seal.

The Rob Konrad story reminds me of a Seinfeld episode Larry David pitched me once that never saw the light of day. It was going to center around myself, Elaine, Kramer and George enjoying a cruise from Long Island to the Bahamas, until Kramer convinced the captain to let him guide the ship into port because he had a better route and ran us all aground on a coral reef. Well, 2,000 souls perished in the episode, including George, and just left the remaining three on a life raft with the bloated corpse of Costanza to keep us company.

I kept telling him that we couldn’t kill off a main character, but he told me it wouldn’t be retconned. I still don’t know what that means.

David never did finish the script, though he did allude to Elaine buckling first and succumbing to cannibalism. He wrote a harrowing scene of her doing little kicks in a life raft, eating George’s detached foot with blood running down her face…It was a bit of a downer on second thought, but still would have been better than the finale.

What’s the deal?!

One man, a toboggan, and a harbinger of doom

cropped-coggin0001_20110907379.jpgWelcome to the newest blog on the Philadelphia sports scene, The Coggin Toboggan. Here at the CT, we vow to uphold the traditions upon which this site was founded.

Almost 15 years ago a right-handed pitcher found his way to the Philadelphia Phillies main roster, called up in June of 2000, making his major league debut on June 23. He’d start in five games that year for a team that would finish 65-97, but he showed something to the roster, going UNDEFEATED with a sterling 2-0 record and a 5.33 ERA.

Sure, David Coggin didn’t have the brilliance of an all-star pitcher or the handsome good looks of a young Otis Nixon. Sure, he would only appear in 55 more big league games over the course of two more lackluster seasons before retiring from the game he loved so dear…but ask anyone on those squads for a word or two on Coggin, and the majority will say, “Who?” And yes, the only remaining story worth telling about David Coggin was when a teammate tricked him into thinking the home games were played in Camden, New Jersey, and he cried for two hours straight until Terry Francona told him to shut the fuck up.

But do you know what David had over those three stellar years nobody else had? Something that nobody on those rosters could take away from him? A funny last name that could be rhymed with toboggan.

Fifteen years ago, while just a teen, my group of friends and I decided to attend a Phillies game with a toboggan and the greatest fan group of all was born. Coggin’s Tobaggon.

Oh what glorious plans did we have to honor our hero. After each and every strikeout registered from our hero, a ceremonious ride down one of the stairways at Veteran’s Stadium was to be performed by one of the members of the group…safety and brain cells be damned.

We never did make it to a game. The logistics of carrying a toboggan into the Vet and the threat of plummeting from the outfield stands onto the turf to our death proved too much. As quickly as it had been born, Coggin’s Tobaggon suffered a bittersweet death.

But the name hasn’t left my head in all these years. It has been resurrected in the form of a blog dedicated on bringing Philadelphia the finest in whiskey drenched sports musings.

So lets have some laughs, watch as our beloved Philadelphia teams struggle to succeed, and always remember what David Coggin said to a group of Philadelphia reporters the day he was released.

“I’ll be back in 15 years and you’re ALL GOING TO DIE” (reportedly said while firing a shotgun into a crowd and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels) *

 

*Most likely did not happen