Philadelphia Eagles

Freddie Mitchell to Marshawn Lynch: Have some respect

Parts Unknown – Freddie Mitchell, former Eagles wide receiver, emailed a press release to thousands of media outlets across the country, urging Marshawn Lynch to open his mouth, speak to the media and stop disrespecting the game of football.

The email, sent from FredEx69@aol.com, has yet to be responded too by any national media outlet on the email chain.

“Man, he’s a chump. Whatever happened to respect for the game of football and for your fellow athletes? This kid just doesn’t have it,” Mitchell said in the release.

Mitchell, who has taken every public speaking opportunity since 2005 to bash former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, decried Lynch and his “disrespectful attitude to the NFL, and to any children who may be watching the media event.”

Mitchell, who once demanded a booth to himself during the 2004 Super Bowl media day, thanked his own hands after hauling in the famous “fourth and 26” pass from McNabb , held out from Training Camp in 2005 despite having accomplished nothing of importance the year before, and claimed he was blackballed from the NFL by both Andy Reid and McNabb, said Lynch needs to “straighten up, fly right, and be much less immature.”

Mitchell, who was given a 37-month prison sentence for conspiring to file a false tax claim with the federal government in 2012, who was arrested in 2009 due to an outstanding warrant for failure to pay child support, and who was investigated in 2009 by the federal government after a 7-pound bag of marijuana was delivered to a restaurant he owned, said Lynch should “look to me as a shining example of how an athlete should act.”

As of press time, Mitchell was being investigated by the FBI for his apparent involvement in Don Tollefson’s ticket scam.

Bobby Hoying no shows Pro Bowl, last seen Saturday night

Phoenix, AZ – Bobby Hoying, a former Eagles quarterback who was surprisingly selected to the 2015 Pro Bowl, did not show up to the event Sunday evening and has yet to be found.

NFL associates wished to keep the news quiet until after the Super Bowl, but reports leaked out this evening that Hoying has not been seen since a Saturday evening “beer bash” the former quarterback had hosted at his self-described “penthouse suite” in a downtown Phoenix Motel 6.

Hoying passed out flyers to his fellow Pro Bowl athletes at Friday afternoon’s final practice. The event was listed as BYOBAP, or as Hoying had to tell several confused teammates, “Bring Your Own Beer And Pussy.”

Jimmy Graham, tight end for the New Orleans Saints, showed up at the party around 9 p.m. and left after five minutes. Graham said he was greeted by an obviously intoxicated Hoying, who immediately handed him a large Ziploc bag of white powder and told him to “be cool and get rid of this uncut booger sugar. There may be some Colombians coming here later that need to powwow with me about that, and I plan on not having it on me, you got it Jimmy G?”

Graham dropped the bag and immediately left after Hoying spotted a “sweet little redhead” and suggested the two of them have some fun with her, “Eiffel tower style, if you know what I mean.”

“Did you ever see that movie ‘Caligula’ back in the late 70s? I guess it was kind of like that, except with way more Busch Lite,” Graham said.

An anonymous Instagram account from a user listed only as “SweetAss69” published several photos of the party. A photo published at 9:09 p.m. showed Hoying in the background hunched over a sink vomiting profusely. A second photo was published at 9:45 p.m. which showed Hoying naked, riding a bicycle through the hotel room to the delight of partygoers. A third photo published at 10:01 p.m. showed a passed out Hoying hunched against the wall, a sombrero covering his head as he was clutching a bottle of Famous Grouse to his chest.

Hoying supposedly disappeared later that evening and has not been seen since. Local police officials are warning residents to not approach Hoying if he is spotted, as he is most likely armed and dangerous.

Bobby Hoying somehow elected to 2015 NFC Pro Bowl team

Bobby Hoying, probably coked out of his mind.

Phoenix, AZ – in a surprising turn of events, former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying, who has not played a snap in the NFL since being released by the Oakland Raiders in 2001, was selected first overall last night by Team Cris Carter in the 2015 Pro Bowl draft.

“This can’t be correct…Team Carter selects Bobby Hoying with the first overall pick?” A visibly confused Cris Carter said at the NFL Pro Bowl podium as he looked down at his selection. “I don’t remember picki….”

Carter was interrupted by a jubilant, middle aged man jumping up from his seat in the back of the audience, who proceeded to bum rush security and make it onstage with the frightened Carter. Hoying, as he was later identified, wrapped Carter in a bear hug and picked him up several feet from the ground.

“That’s how you do it, you son of a bitch! Big Balls Bobby Hoying is back and he can’t wait to get back in that huddle and sling his balls all around that field,” Hoying yelled, a cowboy hat tipped jauntily on his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about those Phoenix girls too, I can’t wait to get knee deep in that gash, lets do this boys!”

NFL executives scrambled to see if the pick was legal, but it was later determined that the pick would stand after Hoying held a straight edge razor to Roger Goodell’s neck, threatening to give the NFL commissioner a “real close shave.”

“Bobby made it fair and square, so I’ll be seeing you all in Phoenix real soon. I hope you boys remember to bring that ‘magic powder,’ because I’m sure I’ll have a little bit of a sinus infection before the start of the game, if you know what I mean,” he said to the rest of the terrified Pro Bowlers.

When asked where he had been for the past 14 years, Hoying said he had gone down south over the border to work on an oil rig and for some of them “real mean cartel boys.”

“But I’m back now you sons of bitches, and Bobby is looking to make up for lost time!” Hoying hooted, grabbing a loose football and rifling it in the face of a stunned Kurt Warner. “Too slow, choir boy!”

As of press time, Hoying was in a manure caked jeep doing celebratory victory donuts on Ray Rhodes’ front lawn.

BREAKING NEWS: Eagles to make a run at “QB Eagles” in 2015 draft

The Philadelphia Eagles have significant interest in drafting QB Eagles (pictured above) from the Tecmo Super Bowl league.

Philadelphia PA – Reports from an unnamed source are saying Chip Kelly and the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on making a historic run at the heavily vaunted “QB Eagles,” who declared his eligibility for the draft after a 24th consecutive dominant season in the Tecmo Super Bowl league.

Currently picking 20th, NFL draft guru Mel Kiper said it would take a significant haul for the Eagles to leapfrog up to number 1 or number 2 in order to select the talented quarterback.

“I don’t see the Eagles having enough bullets in the chamber to move up. I think they’d need to offer a package of at least their next two first round picks and maybe even Fletcher Cox to rise in the draft,” he said.

Kelly made it no secret earlier in the season when he praised QB Eagles for his unique ability to zig-zag through hapless defenders and his odd, but effective, habit of running all the way back to his one-yard line before launching a perfect spiral 100 yards into the waiting hands of a wide receiver.

QB Eagles demonstrating one of his trademark touchdown celebrations.

Perhaps the only knock on QB Eagles is his perceived immaturity and penchant for showboating, as after almost every touchdown he performs an exaggerated fist pump in the face of the opposing defenders or leaps into the waiting arms of an offensive lineman, finger pointing triumphantly in the air.

“Really, the only prayer the Eagles would have of QB Eagles dropping to them at their current position is if Bo Jackson from the Los Angeles Raiders declared himself eligible for the draft,” Kiper added.

The CT will update its readers on more news as it develops. Also, the CT acquired an organizational scouting report on QB Eagles, which can be read below.

BREAKING NEWS: Andy Reid cost city restaurants thousands in health code violations

Philadelphia, PA – Andy Reid, former Philadelphia Eagles head coach, has been found responsible for committing thousands of health code violations in restaurants throughout the city.

The CT was made aware of this staggering development when, earlier this week, the Philadelphia Inquirer launched the “Clean Plates” initiative, a comprehensive database of Philadelphia-area restaurant health inspections designed to educate city diners about the cleanliness of the establishments they visit.

When combing through the reports, the CT stumbled across several interesting health violation codes hidden among the more common violations.

For example, several South Philadelphia area restaurants, namely those around Lincoln Financial Field, were found to be in violation of “Code [46.111(a) ]: Allowing Coach Reid free reign of the walk in freezer without proper supervision,” and “Code [52.258(C) ]: “Failure to properly secure Coach Reid’s feed bag with high tensile straps, resulting in debris and spittle spraying throughout the dining area.”

These were among hundreds of violation codes designed with Reid in mind that could be found throughout the health inspection reports.

Wishing to remain anonymous, a local owner of an Italian eatery near the stadiums said Reid was a fixture at his dining establishment, costing him thousands of dollars in fines.

“Nights after losses were the worst. Coach would come in mumbling about how we needed to put him in a better position in the restaurant so he could succeed in consuming as much pasta as humanly possible,” the owner said. “Once, one of our waitresses slipped and fell on a half-eaten pork chop that had fallen out of Coach Reid’s mustache. We don’t serve pork chops. I have no idea where it came from.”

Disaster struck for the restaurant the night Reid was fired from his position as head coach. He arrived at the restaurant around 6 p.m. and didn’t leave until 4 a.m. the next morning, the owner reported. Despite numerous pleas from the wait staff to “take it easy,” Reid eventually passed out after consuming a final bucket of gravy, falling into a deep slumber atop a frightened bus boy, trapping him for hours.

When he awakened, he silently paid his bill and left, tipping a generous 15%.

“He’s a menace. At least he’s Kansas City’s problem now. Whenever the Chiefs come to town, though, we play it safe and close up for a few days.”

One man, a toboggan, and a harbinger of doom

Welcome to the newest blog on the Philadelphia sports scene, The Coggin Toboggan. Here at the CT, we vow to uphold the traditions upon which this site was founded.

Almost 15 years ago a right-handed pitcher found his way to the Philadelphia Phillies main roster, called up in June of 2000, making his major league debut on June 23. He’d start in five games that year for a team that would finish 65-97, but he showed something to the roster, going UNDEFEATED with a sterling 2-0 record and a 5.33 ERA.

Sure, David Coggin didn’t have the brilliance of an all-star pitcher or the handsome good looks of a young Otis Nixon. Sure, he would only appear in 55 more big league games over the course of two more lackluster seasons before retiring from the game he loved so dear…but ask anyone on those squads for a word or two on Coggin, and the majority will say, “Who?” And yes, the only remaining story worth telling about David Coggin was when a teammate tricked him into thinking the home games were played in Camden, New Jersey, and he cried for two hours straight until Terry Francona told him to shut the fuck up.

But do you know what David had over those three stellar years nobody else had? Something that nobody on those rosters could take away from him? A funny last name that could be rhymed with toboggan.

Fifteen years ago, while just a teen, my group of friends and I decided to attend a Phillies game with a toboggan and the greatest fan group of all was born. Coggin’s Tobaggon.

Oh what glorious plans did we have to honor our hero. After each and every strikeout registered from our hero, a ceremonious ride down one of the stairways at Veteran’s Stadium was to be performed by one of the members of the group…safety and brain cells be damned.

We never did make it to a game. The logistics of carrying a toboggan into the Vet and the threat of plummeting from the outfield stands onto the turf to our death proved too much. As quickly as it had been born, Coggin’s Tobaggon suffered a bittersweet death.

But the name hasn’t left my head in all these years. It has been resurrected in the form of a blog dedicated on bringing Philadelphia the finest in whiskey drenched sports musings.

So lets have some laughs, watch as our beloved Philadelphia teams struggle to succeed, and always remember what David Coggin said to a group of Philadelphia reporters the day he was released.

“I’ll be back in 15 years and you’re ALL GOING TO DIE” (reportedly said while firing a shotgun into a crowd and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels) *

*Most likely did not happen