Philadelphia 76ers

Joel Embiid has an eating disorder

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (8-33). Brett Brown looks like he wants to punch Sam Hinkie in his face every time he sees him.

You vultures. Do you know what you’re putting Joel Embiid through? Ever since the report came out calling him a lazy, fat bum, Embiid has developed a pretty nasty eating habit. He’s been “cleansing” (drinking only chickory, lemon water, and Siracha) for the past week trying to lose weight and it’s really fucking with his head. We all found him passed out on the locker room floor after we were blown out by Detroit, speaking in ancient tongues that only Furkan Aldemir seemed to understand. He ran to his locker and came back clutching a sprig of wolfsbane, which he slapped across Embiid’s face until he came too.

After practice today, Nerlens came in and saw him hunched over a small plasma television, watching something intently. Nerlens asked him what he was doing and Embiid said he was “watching tape.” We went over to him and saw the television wasn’t even plugged in.

I hope he pulls it together.

We play the Knicks tonight. What a great showcase of NBA basketball this will be.

OBSCURE PHILADELPHIA ATHLETE OF THE WEEK: Corie Blount

Corie Blount! Philadelphia 76ers power forward from 2001-2002. Larry Brown knew he needed one more cog to push the 76ers over the hump after bowing out in the 2001 championship round against the Lakers, but my-oh-my Corie Blount was not that cog. The 33-year-old waste of space had one and only move whenever his stone hands actually caught a pass, a blind, horrible turnaround jump shot that usually found itself bouncing off the skull of a fan in the fifth row of the First Union Center.

Blount appeared in 72 for the Sixers (somehow starting 21 of them) for the defending Eastern conference champions and did not dazzle. He averaged 6.5 points a game and less than a block a game, but to his credit he did average about 9 rebounds a game, most of them quickly followed up by a turnaround jump shot off the top of the backboard or an errant pass clanging off the scoreboard of the First Union Center.

Blount did lead the team in one key category….most times being called a “Waste of space hack” by Allen Iverson, averaging about 6.3 times per game.

Corie Blount Fun Facts:

– Blount was sentenced to one year in an Ohio prison in 2009 for marijuana possession. He did not see the irony in his arrest which cost him serious votes in the “High Times” Man of the Year award.

– Shoved into a locker by Dikembe Mutombo after every single home game.

– Unsuccessfully tried to get his teammates to call him and Iverson by the dual nickname, “The Answer and the Question.” Was shot down by Aaron McKie after he reportedly said, “The only question I can think of is why you’re still on this team.”

– Lost to a 14-year-old fan in a halftime “Layup, free throw, three point shot” contest. Was stuck on the free throw portion for 25 shots.

– Attended one of Pat Croce’s pirate ship dive excursions during the all-star break. Was left in the middle of the Pacific Ocean after Croce “forgot” he was still underwater. Made it back to the team for the start of the second half of the season, to the disappointment of everyone.

Hinkie signs deceased, former NBA great to contract

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The 76ers have announced their intentions to sign the corpse of Manute Bol to a 5-year contract, dependent on his ability to claw himself out of his coffin before the All-Star break.

Age – 47 at time of death.

Height – 7’7

Current status – Dead

Pros – Has NBA ready experience, but hasn’t stepped on a court or terra firma for more than five years. Still possesses fabulous length, but limbs and height may have atrophied since he left this plane of wordly existence. Yet to be seen if he’ll take on the characteristics of the undead from a George Romero movie or 28 Weeks Later … could be a major advantage for team if he commits to a 28 Weeks Later role, as speed and agility would certainly increase.

Can still knock down the occasion three-point shot from beyond the grave. He cannot be worse than Samuel Dalembert, who is still in the NBA.

Cons – Teammates could possibly be distracted by stench. Will not stop talking about brains and a desire to consume them. May be too amazed by his resurrection to fully commit to basketball duties on and off the court. Fingernails and hair continued to grow after death, so a trim and a shave is a necessity.

Outlook – Despite his death, Bol still possess Grade-A height and could serve as a mentor for Nerlens Noel, as he did for Shawn Bradley back in 1994. It remains to be seen how rising from the grave will effect his defense, but it should not be an issue. He needs to improve scoring and suppress his desire to shamble into the crowd and feast on delicious brains of the fans.

However, desire to eat brains could work itself into a favorable team contract, as brains do not count against the salary cap.

Hinkie signs Russian occultist to three-year deal

The Coggin Toboggan recently learned the 76ers have signed Russian occultist and accomplished power forward Sergei Krasnoff to a three-year, incentive laden deal. Our source sent us the team’s scouting report on the newest addition to the 76ers.

Sergei Krasnoff

Age – Undetermined. Scouts have him pegged at 22, but could range anywhere from 20 to upwards of 3,000. Ancient parchment detailing his birth is sketchy at best.

Height – 6’6

Ethics/Personal philosophy – Evil.

Pros – Seems to understand the game of basketball fairly well with a decent mid-game and developing range. Ability to speak Russian will come in handy the next time Furkan Aldemir is found passed out on homemade vodka in the owners booth. Willing to get dirty and do what needs to be done. Has mentioned several times to our scouts that the “benefits of the putrid” outweigh the “benefits of the pure at heart.” Still unsure of what that seems to mean.

Cons – Has a slow first step. Oftentimes is distracted and has been caught muttering ancient incantations to himself when he needs to be setting a high pick and roll for his guards. Refuses to use a team issued playbook, instead chose to create his own with a special binding that may or may not be human skin, which lets out a tortured scream each time it’s opened. Could possibly be a reincarnated version of Rasputin with better passing ability.

Outlook – Needs to improve low post game and resist temptations of evil to be effective in this league. If he can improve his outside shooting and limit his intake of flesh to 3-4 times a week, he may be a force off the bench.

We suck again

HI top fade

Philadelphia 76ers (7-30). Morale is low. Henry Syms has dysentery and KJ McDaniels was bitten by a rattlesnake.

We had won two out of our last three until Kyle Korver came to town and ripped our collective hearts out. How many three point shots can our terrible guards leave him wide open for before they catch on and realize he can actually shoot. He’s a slow, white guard, what else could that mother fucker do?! He’s not out there to explode into the lane, he shoots underhand free throws for fucks sake. Not even Furkan Aldemir’s gypsy hexes off the end of the bench couldn’t slow him down, but at one point in the game Jeff Teague did start coughing up black viscera and bleeding from his eyes, so perhaps he was just a bit off.

Furkan continues to be a mystery. Nobody knows where he goes after the games. Tony said he saw him running into the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center after a shoot around and tried to follow him, but it was like he melted away into a steam filled corridor. He showed up in time for the game covered in millipedes and wouldn’t go into the game until he “speak with Big Shot in person and discuss what it means to be a man.” Nobody had the heart to tell him Big Shot hasn’t been the mascot for over 20 years.

Nerlens was so upset after the game he soaked me in the finest mineral oils and epsom salts for what seemed like hours.

Next up, we take on the Toronto Raptors in Canada. JaKarr Sampson will not be making the trip with us, as he can’t legally cross the Canada border due to a horrific poutine incident 5 years ago that has still left him a wanted man in Montreal.

It’s a take about nothing!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia 76ers?! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, pick a team identity and stick with it! You’re supposed to be tanking and you’re two games in a row, what’s the deal! Why is it the team wins when we want them to lose, and loses when we want them to win, what’s the deal?!

And who are these people?? I feel like they’re two weeks away from signing random fans out of the crowd who hit the backboard during the halftime half-court shots.

And what’s the deal with Lebron James’s receding hair line? If he loses anymore hair he’ll be balder than Jason Alexander after I snatch that bird’s nest off the top of his chrome dome the next time he’s at my penthouse begging me to do a Seinfeld reunion. You were on one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, Alexander, act like it! It’s not fun when you act like George in real life, what’s the deal! Take a cue from Julia and hitch your wagon to an edgy, award winning show….or at least follow in Michael’s footsteps and take the hint when I don’t return your phone calls, what’s the deal!

What a start to the New Year

Holy shit we’re undefeated. Undefeated at home in 2015. After months of fielding squads that couldn’t beat intramural high school teams we finally beat an NBA level team for our fifth win of the year. Yes, I know the Cavs didn’t have Lebron or Kyrie Irving on the floor, but jesus christ did I need this. It was good to finally crush something other than the dozen and dozens of homeless prostitutes we enjoy on a weekly basis.

New to the team this past month is Furkan Aldemir, a Turkish national basketball star. He showed up one afternoon, didn’t say a word to anyone in the locker room, and immediately began to prepare and cook several lamb kebabs in a crudely built barbecue pit he slapped together on the floor. They were delicious. He’s taken to checking himself into games without Coach Brown’s permission and launches at least two half court shots a quarter, laughing maniacally and spitting at unwed women in the first several rows of the Wells Fargo Center. Nobody has any idea what he’s doing. He screamed at Tony Wroten the other day in garbled English and viciously slapped him across the face, bringing Tony to tears. Despite his quirks, he’s probably the best and scariest player on this team.

One man, a toboggan, and a harbinger of doom

Welcome to the newest blog on the Philadelphia sports scene, The Coggin Toboggan. Here at the CT, we vow to uphold the traditions upon which this site was founded.

Almost 15 years ago a right-handed pitcher found his way to the Philadelphia Phillies main roster, called up in June of 2000, making his major league debut on June 23. He’d start in five games that year for a team that would finish 65-97, but he showed something to the roster, going UNDEFEATED with a sterling 2-0 record and a 5.33 ERA.

Sure, David Coggin didn’t have the brilliance of an all-star pitcher or the handsome good looks of a young Otis Nixon. Sure, he would only appear in 55 more big league games over the course of two more lackluster seasons before retiring from the game he loved so dear…but ask anyone on those squads for a word or two on Coggin, and the majority will say, “Who?” And yes, the only remaining story worth telling about David Coggin was when a teammate tricked him into thinking the home games were played in Camden, New Jersey, and he cried for two hours straight until Terry Francona told him to shut the fuck up.

But do you know what David had over those three stellar years nobody else had? Something that nobody on those rosters could take away from him? A funny last name that could be rhymed with toboggan.

Fifteen years ago, while just a teen, my group of friends and I decided to attend a Phillies game with a toboggan and the greatest fan group of all was born. Coggin’s Tobaggon.

Oh what glorious plans did we have to honor our hero. After each and every strikeout registered from our hero, a ceremonious ride down one of the stairways at Veteran’s Stadium was to be performed by one of the members of the group…safety and brain cells be damned.

We never did make it to a game. The logistics of carrying a toboggan into the Vet and the threat of plummeting from the outfield stands onto the turf to our death proved too much. As quickly as it had been born, Coggin’s Tobaggon suffered a bittersweet death.

But the name hasn’t left my head in all these years. It has been resurrected in the form of a blog dedicated on bringing Philadelphia the finest in whiskey drenched sports musings.

So lets have some laughs, watch as our beloved Philadelphia teams struggle to succeed, and always remember what David Coggin said to a group of Philadelphia reporters the day he was released.

“I’ll be back in 15 years and you’re ALL GOING TO DIE” (reportedly said while firing a shotgun into a crowd and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels) *

*Most likely did not happen