NFL

Freddie Mitchell to Marshawn Lynch: Have some respect

52063000-e1362778625842Parts Unknown – Freddie Mitchell, former Eagles wide receiver, emailed a press release to thousands of media outlets across the country, urging Marshawn Lynch to open his mouth, speak to the media and stop disrespecting the game of football.

The email, sent from FredEx69@aol.com, has yet to be responded too by any national media outlet on the email chain.

“Man, he’s a chump. Whatever happened to respect for the game of football and for your fellow athletes? This kid just doesn’t have it,” Mitchell said in the release.

Mitchell, who has taken every public speaking opportunity since 2005 to bash former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, decried Lynch and his “disrespectful attitude to the NFL, and to any children who may be watching the media event.”

Mitchell, who once demanded a booth to himself during the 2004 Super Bowl media day, thanked his own hands after hauling in the famous “fourth and 26” pass from McNabb , held out from Training Camp in 2005 despite having accomplished nothing of importance the year before, and claimed he was blackballed from the NFL by both Andy Reid and McNabb, said Lynch needs to “straighten up, fly right, and be much less immature.”

Mitchell, who was given a 37-month prison sentence for conspiring to file a false tax claim with the federal government in 2012, who was arrested in 2009 due to an outstanding warrant for failure to pay child support, and who was investigated in 2009 by the federal government after a 7-pound bag of marijuana was delivered to a restaurant he owned, said Lynch should “look to me as a shining example of how an athlete should act.”

As of press time, Mitchell was being investigated by the FBI for his apparent involvement in Don Tollefson’s ticket scam.

Bobby Hoying no shows Pro Bowl, last seen Saturday night

Bobby HoyingPhoenix, AZ – Bobby Hoying, a former Eagles quarterback who was surprisingly selected to the 2015 Pro Bowl, did not show up to the event Sunday evening and has yet to be found.

NFL associates wished to keep the news quiet until after the Super Bowl, but reports leaked out this evening that Hoying has not been seen since a Saturday evening “beer bash” the former quarterback had hosted at his self-described “penthouse suite” in a downtown Phoenix Motel 6.

Hoying passed out flyers to his fellow Pro Bowl athletes at Friday afternoon’s final practice. The event was listed as BYOBAP, or as Hoying had to tell several confused teammates, “Bring Your Own Beer And Pussy.”

Jimmy Graham, tight end for the New Orleans Saints, showed up at the party around 9 p.m. and left after five minutes. Graham said he was greeted by an obviously intoxicated Hoying, who immediately handed him a large Ziploc bag of white powder and told him to “be cool and get rid of this uncut booger sugar. There may be some Colombians coming here later that need to powwow with me about that, and I plan on not having it on me, you got it Jimmy G?”

Graham dropped the bag and immediately left after Hoying spotted a “sweet little redhead” and suggested the two of them have some fun with her, “Eiffel tower style, if you know what I mean.”

“Did you ever see that movie ‘Caligula’ back in the late 70s? I guess it was kind of like that, except with way more Busch Lite,” Graham said.

An anonymous Instagram account from a user listed only as “SweetAss69” published several photos of the party. A photo published at 9:09 p.m. showed Hoying in the background hunched over a sink vomiting profusely. A second photo was published at 9:45 p.m. which showed Hoying naked, riding a bicycle through the hotel room to the delight of partygoers. A third photo published at 10:01 p.m. showed a passed out Hoying hunched against the wall, a sombrero covering his head as he was clutching a bottle of Famous Grouse to his chest.

Hoying supposedly disappeared later that evening and has not been seen since. Local police officials are warning residents to not approach Hoying if he is spotted, as he is most likely armed and dangerous.

Bobby Hoying somehow elected to 2015 NFC Pro Bowl team
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Bobby Hoying, probably coked out of his mind.

Phoenix, AZ – in a surprising turn of events, former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying, who has not played a snap in the NFL since being released by the Oakland Raiders in 2001, was selected first overall last night by Team Cris Carter in the 2015 Pro Bowl draft.

“This can’t be correct…Team Carter selects Bobby Hoying with the first overall pick?” A visibly confused Cris Carter said at the NFL Pro Bowl podium as he looked down at his selection. “I don’t remember picki….”

Carter was interrupted by a jubilant, middle aged man jumping up from his seat in the back of the audience, who proceeded to bum rush security and make it onstage with the frightened Carter. Hoying, as he was later identified, wrapped Carter in a bear hug and picked him up several feet from the ground.

“That’s how you do it, you son of a bitch! Big Balls Bobby Hoying is back and he can’t wait to get back in that huddle and sling his balls all around that field,” Hoying yelled, a cowboy hat tipped jauntily on his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about those Phoenix girls too, I can’t wait to get knee deep in that gash, lets do this boys!”

NFL executives scrambled to see if the pick was legal, but it was later determined that the pick would stand after Hoying held a straight edge razor to Roger Goodell’s neck, threatening to give the NFL commissioner a “real close shave.”

“Bobby made it fair and square, so I’ll be seeing you all in Phoenix real soon. I hope you boys remember to bring that ‘magic powder,’ because I’m sure I’ll have a little bit of a sinus infection before the start of the game, if you know what I mean,” he said to the rest of the terrified Pro Bowlers.

When asked where he had been for the past 14 years, Hoying said he had gone down south over the border to work on an oil rig and for some of them “real mean cartel boys.”

“But I’m back now you sons of bitches, and Bobby is looking to make up for lost time!” Hoying hooted, grabbing a loose football and rifling it in the face of a stunned Kurt Warner. “Too slow, choir boy!”

As of press time, Hoying was in a manure caked jeep doing celebratory victory donuts on Ray Rhodes’ front lawn.

President Obama opens State of the Union Address complaining about New England Patriots

OBAMA-AP PHOTO_8Washington DC – President Barack Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed last night as the leader of the free world opened his State of the Union address condemning the actions of the New England Patriots and the team’s role in the “Deflate Gate” scandal.

“My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight enraged, as no doubt most of you are, that the New England Patriots again used underhanded techniques to triumph in the game of football,” Obama said, pursing his lips and looking into the camera. “I was dismayed Sunday evening after the Patriots defeated the Colts to reach the Super Bowl, but I was enraged monday afternoon when our CIA moles informed me the Patriots may have intentionally deflated footballs in order to give pretty boy Tom Brady an unfair advantage. This will not stand.”

“You think you can cheat the American public out of a Super Bowl that doesn’t feature the New England Patriots? Think again, you clam chowder eating pieces of shit,” he continued, pointing his finger at the camera and audibly slamming his fist on the podium.

Obama continued to express his frustrations at seeing the Patriots in “yet another Super Bowl,” and vowed to use every resource at his disposal to “show the world at large what a despicable organization the Patriots really are.”

He went on for 40 minutes, forgoing discussions about the looming threat of ISIS to America’s safety or the growing deficit, trashing the Patriots.

He received a record 35 standing ovations from the assembled crowd.

Perhaps the largest came when he winked at the camera and informed the American people Tom Brady would “most likely not be in attendance” at the upcoming Super Bowl due to “a prior engagement at Guantanamo Bay.”

Obama closed the final 5 minutes of the State of the Union discussing a potential terrorist plot aimed to take down much of America’s infrastructure, but the audience was still abuzz after the thrashing he leveed against New England and its “pompous, prick fans.”

“It was magical. I’ve never seen a President unite the country as well as President Obama did tonight,” said Candy Crowley, CNN’s chief political correspondent. “He touched on a raw nerve in this country; the absolute hatred of those pieces of shit up in New England and their cheating ways. Seriously, fuck Belichick and his sissy boy quarterback Tom Brady.”

Obama’s Gallup Approval rating rose from 42.6% to 93.2% after the address.

BREAKING NEWS: Eagles to make a run at “QB Eagles” in 2015 draft
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The Philadelphia Eagles have significant interest in drafting QB Eagles (pictured above) from the Tecmo Super Bowl league.

Philadelphia PA – Reports from an unnamed source are saying Chip Kelly and the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on making a historic run at the heavily vaunted “QB Eagles,” who declared his eligibility for the draft after a 24th consecutive dominant season in the Tecmo Super Bowl league.

Currently picking 20th, NFL draft guru Mel Kiper said it would take a significant haul for the Eagles to leapfrog up to number 1 or number 2 in order to select the talented quarterback.

“I don’t see the Eagles having enough bullets in the chamber to move up. I think they’d need to offer a package of at least their next two first round picks and maybe even Fletcher Cox to rise in the draft,” he said.

Kelly made it no secret earlier in the season when he praised QB Eagles for his unique ability to zig-zag through hapless defenders and his odd, but effective, habit of running all the way back to his one-yard line before launching a perfect spiral 100 yards into the waiting hands of a wide receiver.

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QB Eagles demonstrating one of his trademark touchdown celebrations.

Perhaps the only knock on QB Eagles is his perceived immaturity and penchant for showboating, as after almost every touchdown he performs an exaggerated fist pump in the face of the opposing defenders or leaps into the waiting arms of an offensive lineman, finger pointing triumphantly in the air.

“Really, the only prayer the Eagles would have of QB Eagles dropping to them at their current position is if Bo Jackson from the Los Angeles Raiders declared himself eligible for the draft,” Kiper added.

The CT will update its readers on more news as it develops. Also, the CT acquired an organizational scouting report on QB Eagles, which can be read below. fictional-athlete-hall-of-fame-20080411015210335.gif

BREAKING NEWS: Insufferable prick, 9-11 Truther lead teams to the Super Bowl

Philadelphia PA – Football fans across the country watched on in horror as Bill Belichick, an asshole of immense proportions and well known prick, and Pete Carroll, a 9-11 truther and all around hunk of shit, respectively led the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots to an appearance against each other at Super Bowl XLIX.

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Insufferable prick Bill Belichick, who is no doubt receiving stolen information to win another crucial game to the disgust of millions.

NFL fans could only watch and suffer through both games, as the Packers squandered away a last minute lead to lose in overtime and the Patriots dominated the Colts for four quarters.

“Hey look, it’s not like the Packers are that great and I don’t know a ton about (head coach) Mike McCarthy, but I do know one thing…they’re not the fucking Seattle Seahawks,” said Patrick Mooney, a Cleveland arc-welder who dourly sat through both games. “And Bill Belichick, god I’d love to kick the teeth out of his head. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do for the Super Bowl? This sucks.”

Belichick, hands stuffed in his ratty Patriots hoodie for 99% of the game, scowled his way through a New England blowout of the Indianapolis Colts and sullenly tromped around the Patriots sidelines, never once looking like he was enjoying himself or showing one ounce of emotion. Millions of football fans throughout the country smashed remotes against household walls, declaring him a “cunt of epic proportions” and in all likelihood a “no good piece of shit cheater,” no doubt referencing the 2007 Spygate controversy.

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Noted piece of shit Pete Caroll, probably thinking about how the U.S. government engineered 9-11.

Carroll was not better received across America, as he mugged and celebrated for cameras after Russell Wilson threw a game winning touchdown to Jermaine Kearse in overtime of the NFC championship.

“He probably celebrated by watching Loose Change for the millionth time, god what a jackass,” said Tom Schwartz, an engineer from New York City, referencing the now debunked 9-11 truther documentary. “He thought 9-11 was an inside job and coaches one of the most hated teams in this country. God, I hope the 12th man stomps his head in one day when they suck again.”

Collective heads were held in hands across the country as the dim realization of two of the most hated teams in the league would be appearing in the final football game of the year.

“Who do I want to win? I think we’d all win if a 747 crashed into the Phoenix stadium and took out all of those losers,” said Chris Johnson, who threw a bottle of Wild Turkey against his wall and staggered outside of his home, where he promptly passed out on his front lawn.

However, as of press time, it was noted that moods throughout the country lifted slightly as fans realized that at least the Dallas Cowboys would not be in the Super Bowl.