Jerry Colangelo

Bryan Colangelo throwing his wife under the bus is the act of a true rat

Did anyone expect anything the end of Bryan “with a Y” Colangelo to go any differently when we all heard about this last week? Joe Pesci summed up the entire Colangelo mess with a few perfect lines in Goodfellas:

“Fucking rat. His whole family’s all rats. He would’ve grown up to be a rat too.”

It’s no secret that we at the Toboggan were never fans of man child Bryan Colangelo and his stupidity, troubling relationship with his father, love for huge collars, but this just cements our belief that you were never suited for the job.

Bryan finally grew up into a rat just like his old man when he decided to throw his wife completely and wholeheartedly under the bus instead of accepting any blame whatsoever after the 76ers unceremoniously dumped his ass to the curb after one of the most humiliating stretches the franchise has seen off the course in decades.

DfGmJNVWAAAS12Y

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I hate the 76ers trade for the #1 pick

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Like Robert Johnson at the crossroads, this blog has a life changing decision to make. Which direction does our blog take? Do we take the deal with the devil, or do we forge another path?

This brings us to the reported trade 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo pulled off over the weekend. Giving the Boston Celtics the #3 pick this year and either the 2018 Lakers 1st round pick or the 2019 Sacramento 1st round pick for the #1 overall pick this year and the rights to draft Markelle Fultz?

I hate this trade. Absolutely despise it.

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Bryan Colangelo able to get out of serving in NBA draft lottery after his father pulls a few strings

20160505_colangelo_article2Despite being eligible for attendance, Bryan Colangelo is shirking his GM duties after father Jerry Colangelo greased a few palms in the league front office to keep his son out of the NBA Draft Lottery.

Instead of being in attendance at the draft Tuesday night, Colangelo will serve in the NBA ticket sales office for two weekends a month for the next year.

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Bryan Colangelo to Michael Barkann: “Are you a doctor now? Am I the GM now? Where am I?”

041016_bryan-colangelo_120076ers general manager Bryan Colangelo appeared to get a little testy yesterday with Comcast SportsNet Philly Sports Talk host Michael Barkann when fielding questions about Joel Embiid’s health.

The high-collared dullard soured after Barkann asked him if he felt it was necessary for the start 76ers center to undergo surgery on his ailing knee and be shut down for the rest of the year.

“Are you a doctor now? With all due respect, medical injuries are injuries that require care and attention. Am I the GM now? Where am I? What am I doing here? How did I get here?” Colangelo thoughtfully added.

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Jerry Colangelo attempts to wake up Bryan for third time this afternoon
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You have to be kidding me with this fucking kid.

Philadelphia, PA – An increasingly frustrated Jerry Colangelo entered his son Bryan Colangelo’s bedroom for the third time this afternoon, throwing the racecar bed sheets off of the slumbering 76ers GM in an attempt to rouse his son to greet the day.

“Let’s go, it’s 1:30 p.m., up and at them. There are deals to be made today, Bry Bry. Serge Ibaka was traded to the Raptors this morning, so you can cross them off the list of potential landing spots for Jahlil,” Jerry said, the level of annoyance raising in his voice as Bryan pulled the pillow back over his head in attempt to keep the sunlight out of his eyes.

The elder Colangelo sat on the edge of Bryan’s bed and patted him gently on his side.

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Bryan Colangelo: Nerlens Noel will be a made man and start at center this week
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Nerlens Noel coming to the 76ers morning shoot around with 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo. The 76ers announced Noel would be a made man this week. (photo credit: @crimjimmegan)

Philadelphia, PA – An excited Nerlens Noel put on his best three piece suit and eagerly got into Bryan Colangelo’s 1969 white Cadillac Coupe Deville to attend the 76ers morning shoot around, his first since the news broke that the organization had decided to make him a made man and start him for the first time this season.

“This must bring you back to when you were made,” Nerlens said to Colangelo, who shrugged and smiled from the back seat.

“Oh that was a long time ago,” he said, as he instructed the driver to pull up to the side entrance of the 76ers Training Complex in Camden.

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Jerry Colangelo sex party forces 76ers game cancellation

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – After a slick sheen on the Wells Fargo Center court rendered the surface unplayable last night, the 76ers were forced to postpone their matchup against the Sacramento Kings until a later date.

John Page, president of the Wells Fargo Center complex, said excessive moisture on the court forced the cancellation of the game. When asked why the surface of the court was affected, Page pointed to an event held at the center earlier in the day.

“We have some ideas of what could have caused this, but all signs point squarely to Jerry Colangelo’s annual swingers party that he held at center court earlier in the day,” Page noted.

The Colangelo sponsored “bacchanal orgy” was a holdover from his previous GM contract with the organization, which allotted him space in the Wells Fargo Center once a year to live out his depraved perversions.

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Bryan Colangelo trades #1 pick for sack of magic beans

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.

Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.

Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.

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Sam Hinkie releases statement after 76ers receive #1 pick
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God damnit

God damnit, mother fucking piece of shit. Eat shit, eat shit and die all of you, you fucking pieces of garbage. Fucking cunt licking, smelly asshole, no good mother fuckers that wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit you in your 2-inch dick.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN MY ASS.

Crap on a cracker, cum on a cracker, cum and crap on a cracker shoved into those Colangelo fruitcake’s mouths. Incest ridden shit fuck of a family, run me out of town, you fuckwads. Fucking fuck fuck fuck me with a stick.

I hope everyone in that franchise dies a horrible, horrible death. Steamroller accidents, immolation from molten lead, tragic welding mishaps….the more painful and horrific for your families to endure the better.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt needle in your eyes shitdick mother fucking dick up your ass the Colangelo’s can suck my two-foot dick.

Hinkster out, bitches.

Jerry Colangelo arranges second partnership for 76ers jersey patch

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, Chairman of Basketball Operations for the 76ers, arranged a second corporate partnership this morning and announced the deal at a press conference earlier today.

Colangelo, who reportedly arranged and brokered the new business deal by himself without consulting owner Josh Harris, said the deal would allow for a large patch on the back of each jersey for the next three seasons.

“This is truly an exciting day for the organization. Not only do we have an agreement with StubHub to place a patch on the front of each jersey, but I have arranged for a patch from ‘Crazy Charlie’s Crematorium’ to be placed on the back of each jersey for the next three years,” Colangelo told the assembled media.

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