Jerry Colangelo

Jerry Colangelo will not attend draft lottery if “it goes to all hours of the night”

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers Jerry Colangelo told reporters this morning he would not be in attendance at the upcoming draft lottery if it “went to all hours of the night.”

The lottery selection is slated for Tuesday, May 17 at 8:45 p.m. eastern time.

Colangelo expressed his displeasure that the lottery selection event would begin at “such an ungodly hour” and he has usually adorned his night robe and night cap by that time each night.

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Bryan Colangelo admits to ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ inspired scheme to gain GM position

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Bryan Colangelo (left), Jerry Colangelo (center) and Larry (right).

Philadelphia, PA – Just two days into his position as GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, Bryan Colangelo was forced to call a hasty press conference and admit to a months long scheme he employed after watching the 1980s comedy “Weekend at Bernie’s” last December.

Colangelo admitted that his father, Jerry, has been deceased during his entire employment with the 76ers. Jerry Colangelo was hired by the 76ers in mid-December as a special Chairman of Basketball Operations for the organization.

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Jerry Colangelo assures organization his precious son will be perfect as GM

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Look at these idiots.

Philadelphia, PA – A beaming Jerry Colangelo introduced his son, Bryan, the apple of his eye, his precious bundle of joy, the fruit of his loins, as the next 76ers general manager, taking over for the icky Sam Hinkie.

Gently rubbing his son’s shoulder as Bryan enjoyed an ice cream, Jerry said it was every father’s dream to oust a hard working employee from a position of power and to then fill it with their wildly under qualified and inept boy.

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Josh Harris orders thawing of Jerry Colangelo for trade deadline advice

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A tortured soul.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.

Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.

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Nicki Minaj apparently dating Jerry Colangelo

"The Other Woman" - Los Angeles Premiere - ArrivalsPhiladelphia, PA – After being spotted at the previous 76ers game, Nicki Minaj has been hanging around the 76ers offices at the Wells Fargo Center without boyfriend Meek Mill and has reportedly been spotted canoodling with Chairman of Basketball Operations Jerry Colangelo.

The 76-year-old Colangelo and 33-year-old singer Minaj were seen splitting a hot corn beef on rye sandwich at the Wells Fargo commissary, drinking sanka and smoking a bag of endo outside of Colangelo’s office.

The pairing has surprised many in the organization.

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Sam Hinkie caught trying to make several trades out of spite

sam-hinkiePhiladelphia, PA – 76ers staff and executive had to forcibly break the door down of Sam Hinkie’s office Thursday evening, as the general manager reportedly tried to trade several members of the current roster for next to nothing.

Behind the barricaded door to his office, 76ers executives could hear Hinkie having a discussion with the Los Angeles Lakers that would have sent Jahlil Okafor to the west coast for Nick Young and a second round pick in return.

Hinkie is reportedly “not pleased” with the hiring of Jerry Colangelo, as several pundits think the move to bring on Colangelo will signal the end of Hinkie’s employment with the Sixers.

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Jerry Colangelo announces intentions to turn 76ers around, go to bed at 5:30 p.m.

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Full of vim and vigor.

Philadelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, the new Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers, announced he will take great care in turning around the franchise that has been the subject of heavy criticism around the league.

Colangelo also announced he would take a three-hour nap from noon to 3 p.m., enjoy a lovely early-bird dinner at 4 p.m., and be ready for half-an-hour of work before calling it a night at 5:30 p.m.

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