Philadelphia Eagles

Where I apply for the Eagles Senior Analytics Position

QB-Eagles-tale_display_imageThe Philadelphia Eagles are looking for a new Senior Analytics Position employee to lead the franchise into a new era of advanced stats and smarter decisions, breaking away from the traditional methods of scouting and selecting players for the organization.

Obviously, I am the perfect candidate for the job. If you know me, you know that analytics are my bread and stats are my butter. Oh no, wait,  stats are my bread and analytics are my butter. Wait, no, stats are my butter – no – analytics are my butter – Ok, lets just say stats and analytics are my various breads and various butters (if anyone knows what Woody Allen movie that bit is from, I’ll give you a kiss).

Full disclosure, I’ve never actually PLAYED organized football, but I was a goddamn whirling dervish out on the grid iron whenever we played our annual tackle football match among friends over Thanksgiving weekend. I could effortlessly call our defense into a Cover 2 to stop the over the top pass that’s been KILLING US ALL DAY and make the tough calls to bench the most hungover of team members.

Plus, do you have any idea how much time I wasted as a kid playing Tecmo Super Bowl? There’s no rule in the NFL that says a quarterback can’t run straight back into their own end zone and then uncork throw that goes off the top of the screen before landing in the waiting hands of a receiver 100 yards away, right? No? Good, then I’m golden.

Either way, the Eagles would be FOOLISH to pass up this steel trap of a football mind that any team would jump at the opportunity to bring on.

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New Fletcher Cox contract demands leaked to public
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Should the Eagles give in to his new contract demands?

The star Philadelphia Eagles defensive lineman Fletcher Cox has made a point of not attending voluntary OTA workouts this off-season as continues to lobby the organization for a new, more lucrative contract.

The extraordinarily talented defensive lineman is still playing under his initial contract and certainly believes he has played himself into a newer, more expensive deal.

Cox has remained fairly silent throughout his holdout, but has published a number of Tweets that may allude to his disappointment with the team.

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Carson Wentz learning offense quickly, reminds Doug Pederson he hasn’t assigned any homework yet
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Brown noser.

Philadelphia, PA – As the Eagles continue their OTA workouts after the holiday weekend, several analysts are lauding rookie quarterback Carson Wentz for his ability to pick up head coach Doug Pederson’s offense quicker than either quarterbacks Sam Bradford or Chase Daniel.

However, Wentz will not be winning any popularity contests with his teammates anytime soon, as the young quarterback is reportedly ruffling the feathers of a number of veterans on the team.

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Sam Bradford: ‘Doesn’t anyone care about my needs?’

031115_bradford_600Philadelphia, PA – Day two of Sam Bradford returning to practice with the Philadelphia Eagles resulted in much of the same as day one, with the temperamental quarterback openly pouting in the locker room and loudly having cell phone conversations with his “besties” well within earshot of his teammates.

The quarterback didn’t openly complain about how he was treated to his teammates or the front office, but could be heard grumbling to himself as the team ran through drills that “nobody cares” about “what I want” out of this situation.

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Sam Bradford gives teammates the silent treatment after returning to workouts

bra101548Philadelphia, PA – Optimism ran high at the Eagles voluntary workouts Monday morning, as franchise quarterback Sam Bradford returned to the facility to practice with his teammates after missing a week of workouts when he demanded to be traded.

However, the high spirits were quickly diminished as Bradford didn’t speak to a single one of his teammates and turned his back on questions from head coach Doug Pederson about how he was doing.

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Autograph seekers criticize professional athlete who is 30 years younger for immaturity

05012016-wentz-airportPhiladelphia, PA – The two autograph seekers who booed Carson Wentz after the draftee denied them an autograph as he was being hustled through the Philadelphia Airport criticized Wentz for his “lack of class” and “immaturity” that the two middle-aged men clearly possess.

Wishing to remain anonymous, the first pasty autograph seeker (who by all accounts is well into the middle of his life, but has enough free time in his life to drop everything to stalk an athlete in the Philadelphia airport) said Wentz “really needs to grow a thicker skin” if he’s going to make it in Philadelphia.

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Carson Daly selected by Philadelphia Eagl…you know what, who cares?

The Band Perry Performs On NBC's "Today"Philadelphia, PA – In a momentous twist of fate, the Philadelphia Eagles selected former MTV VJ and host of Last Call Carson Daly in a draft day snafu that…you know what? I don’t have the energy for this today.

I am so tired. So, so tired. So guess what, we’ll be taking a day off from our usually scheduled shenanigans and hilarity for some well earned beauty sleep.

It’s a shame too, because this article was going to be HILARIOUS. Think about it, the Eagles accidentally selecting CARSON DALY instead of CARSON WENTZ. They have the same first name! Can you imagine Carson Daly playing quarterback for the Eagles?!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!! OH MY GOD THAT IS TOO MUCH.

Oh my goodness, I need to calm down. Too much jocularity for one man to handle.

We’ll be back Monday with another post that hinges on one weak piece of wordplay or horrible pun, as per usual.

Doug Pederson reveals draft day strategy: ‘Just gonna sit by the crick for a spell’
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Just a good ol’ country boy.

Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first draft, Eagles head coach Doug Pederson revealed some insight into his draft day strategy and what would go into the thought process for his first organizational picks.

Rather than attend the draft in Chicago and be in the war room with his assistant coaches and front office personnel,  Pederson said he would likely just mosey on down to the winding creek around back of his homestead and just “sit a spell.”

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Fans scrape together enough money to purchase ad in support of Sam Bradford

bra101548Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps after seeing a group of Sixers fan purchase a billboard in support of ousted GM Sam Hinkie, the remaining Eagles fans in the city collected enough money to purchase an advertisement in support of their beleaguered hero.

The group, who have dubbed themselves “Sam’s Slingers,” successfully raised $15.67 from its collective members, enough for a supportive ad for Bradford to be displayed on the side of a dumpster in an alleyway on Market Street.

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Sam Bradford announces intentions to take ball, go home

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Perhaps after digesting the news that the Philadelphia Eagles had traded for the second overall pick in this Thursday’s NFL draft, Sam Bradford reported to the organization that he was likely to take his ball and go home if the franchise selected another quarterback.

Stating that the Eagles front office had “pinkie swore” and Mr. Roseman had “promised” that he would be the starting quarterback next year, the under .500 quarterback who has never won a playoff game in his five-year career threatened to “never play for this stupid town ever, ever again” if not allowed to play quarterback for the 2016 season.

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