76ers

Eyewitnesses: Big Shot waiting outside WFC to kick someone’s ass

Big Shot, at the Spectrum in the early 90s. Was known mainly for scaring little children.

Wells Fargo Center – Puzzled Flyers fans are reporting that former Philadelphia 76ers mascot Big Shot has been seen walking around the Wells Fargo Center, trying to gain entry into the arena.

Big Shot has not been the mascot of the 76ers since the early 90s and hasn’t been seen in the area for over 20 years. Apparently, he’s outside of the WFC looking to kick someone’s ass.

The 76ers are not scheduled to play tonight. The Flyers are taking on the Winnipeg Jets at 7 p.m. at the WFC.

“I don’t know what he’s doing, or why he was here tonight, but I brought my son up to see him and he rebuffed us pretty good,” a shaken Tony Carchelleti told the CT. “He pushed my son down to the ground and continued to try and charge into the arena at each exit, only to be stopped by security each time.”

The usually jovial mascot was seen stomping up and down the WFC outdoors concourse, making obscene gestures to the building and remaining silent at all times.

At one point, an anonymous emailer said they saw Big Shot brandish a knife to someone inside the building, making exaggerated slashing motions to his throat.

“I don’t know what he’s doing here, but he is pissed off at something. What is going through that bastards purple head?” said Edward Cucholochio, head of security at the WFC. “All I know is if he gets in here I might have to order my guys to give him a bit of a wood shampoo with their billy clubs, if you know what I mean.”

The CT will update this story as soon as more information is available.

Interview with stand-up comedian Adam Ferrara

A car guy with a great sense of humor, stand up comedian Adam Ferrara has been entertaining comedy and television audiences since the early 90s. One of the stars of the U.S. version of Top Gear on the History channel, Ferrara also shares the screen with Edie Falco in the hit series Nurse Jackie on Showtime.

Previously, Ferrara starred with Denis Leary in the Emmy nominated FX drama Rescue Me.

An internationally touring comedian, Ferrara has three Comedy Central specials and is a two-time nominee as best-male stand up by the American Comedy Awards.

Ferrara will be playing six shows at the Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia from Thursday, Feb. 19 to Sunday, Feb. 22. You can purchase tickets here.

Despite being a die-hard Mets fan, Ferrara decided to waste his time and talk to us about his upcoming projects, sports fandom and his love of cars. For more information on Ferrara and upcoming show dates, visit his website here.

The CT : So obviously, as a host of the American version of “Top Gear” on the History Channel, you have to be interested in cars and automobile culture. Growing up in New York, did you foster a love for cars and know anything about putting them together? How did the interest come about?

Adam Ferrara: At a very young age I developed an emotional attachment to cars. My dad was my hero and I would be right by his side in the garage as he worked on cars. We quickly figured out my mechanical ability, so my job was to hold the light. I cannot wrench, but he taught me how cars work and their importance. He impressed upon me that a car is freedom and a form of escape. To this day when I need to think I take my 1970 deuce and quarter and drive up the coast.

The CT : You’ve driven/retrofitted a ton of odd cars on Top Gear. What was the car you had the best success with? Was the aquatic car in season four one of the biggest disasters you’ve had on the show?

Adam Ferrara: Define disaster? Yes, it was an amphibious car that sank. However, it did fine on land, so I’m batting .500. The first success that comes to mind was a ’69 Lincoln Mark III that I made into a Pope mobile. I picked up Cloris Leachman in it and drove her to the Emmys. We almost made it. The car did fine, I got lost and ran over spikes that popped my tires, Cloris called me an asshole and walked away but the car did fine.

The CT : What does it say about me that the previous two cars I’ve owned have been a 2006 Toyota Scion XA and a 1987 Volkswagen Jetta (a stick shift my friends called “The Bitch”).

Adam Ferrara: That you’re very thrifty.

The CT : Obviously you’re a sports guy and I love asking this question. This site was created in honor of an irrelevant Philadelphia Phillies pitcher that appeared in like 23 games for the Phillies in the early 2000s, David Coggin. Are there any irrelevant athletes that you grew up watching that you still find yourself thinking about every now again? That you were a fan of despite of their ineptitude?

Adam Ferrara: Hardly irrelevant and certainly not inept, but I do think about a little known defensive tackle for the New York Jets, #77 Carl Barzilauskas. He played from 1974 to 1977 for the Jets and was then traded to Green Bay in 78-79. When I was a kid my dad gave me a NY Jets football uniform and the jersey was #77. From that day on Carl was my guy.

The CT : You’re a New York guy, Dennis Leary is a Boston guy. I’m assuming you both fought each other numerous times in 2008 on the set of Rescue Me prior, during and after Super Bowl XLIII. Who talked the most shit?

Adam Ferrara: Both of us. No more than usual.

The CT : You’re playing at the Helium Comedy club from Thursday, Feb. 19 to Sunday, Feb. 22. You’ve played Philly before, how do the crowds treat you here? Any interesting stage stories during a performance here?

Adam Ferrara: Nothing from onstage but when you play Philly you always have to bring your A-game. Don’t take any chances, you guys threw snowballs at Santa Claus.

The CT : Last question, because this is a Philadelphia sports blog, what was more painful, the recent 76ers/Knicks game (which was an affront to all that is holy) or the Mets collapse in 2007?

Adam Ferrara: The Mets. I’m a Mets fan, Mets and Jets because why should my life be easy.

Hinkie inks Buddhist death god to eternal contract

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The 76ers announced late tonight, after consulting an ancient text and several once-forgotten runes known only to the old men of earth, the signing of Mrtyu-mara, a traditional death god in the Buddhist religion.

Age – Eternal.

Height – 5’2

Current status – Existing on an ethereal plane known only to a chosen few who have obtained Nirvana.

Pros – Once tempted the god Buddha to forgo his quest for enlightenment underneath the bodhi tree with carnal delights and earthly pleasures, but our scouts assure us this can be chalked up to immaturity and a young roster. Veteran presence will help keep him in line. Is squat but powerful, not afraid to get his fangs dirty in the trenches. Has four arms, which lends itself to an A+ reach and impactful defensive presence.

Cons – Owns a snake which he carries onto the court. Has six eyes and a face painted on his stomach, so maturity is an issue with this one. Is known to be a bit of a tempter in his previous clubhouse, often convincing his teammates to forget about putting in the hard work and quitting to lead a life of leisure.

Outlook – Definitely worth a flyer if we can convince him that Hinkie will not honor a blood contract. Could definitely help on the defensive end and may convince a few of the other better opponents to skip out on their teammates for their own selfish desires. Must improve three point percentage and keep snake from spitting venom into the first several rows of the crowd.

Best/Worst of the 76ers vs. New York Knicks

The Philadelphia 76ers fell to the Knicks last night, 98-91, in something that “technically” was defined as a basketball game, but onlookers couldn’t confirm. The two basement dwelling teams of the Eastern Conference entertained dozens and dozens of fans at the Wells Fargo Center.

Here were the best and worst aspects of the game for each team.

Best:

– Nerlens Noel, not participating in the game due to an upper respiratory illness, had his best plus/minus point differential of the season with a 0, up from his season average of -35.

– Robert Covington successfully attempted a left handed layup, something he had been practicing all week.

– All fans received 50% off a large Papa Johns Pizza following the game, due to the 76ers scoring over 45 points.

– To the delight of everyone in attendance, former mascot Hip Hop was brought back for one night only and drawn and quartered at halftime.

– Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks intelligently shook off his recent injury knee injury to play in a pivotal early season match up between a 7-36 team and an 8-34 team.

Worst:

– For the 10th game in a row, Furkan Aldemir menacingly brandished a scimitar at a Wells Fargo vendor for not providing him a jug of fermented ox blood during a first quarter timeout.

– 76ers public announcer Matt Cord continues to provide play-by-play action over the Wells Fargo PA system during each game.

– 76ers great Moses Malone was introduced as a special guest before tip-off, and walked out onto the court while flipping off the crowd with both hands.

– Fans were subjected to watching the 76ers for the 20th home game in a row.

Joel Embiid has an eating disorder

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (8-33). Brett Brown looks like he wants to punch Sam Hinkie in his face every time he sees him.

You vultures. Do you know what you’re putting Joel Embiid through? Ever since the report came out calling him a lazy, fat bum, Embiid has developed a pretty nasty eating habit. He’s been “cleansing” (drinking only chickory, lemon water, and Siracha) for the past week trying to lose weight and it’s really fucking with his head. We all found him passed out on the locker room floor after we were blown out by Detroit, speaking in ancient tongues that only Furkan Aldemir seemed to understand. He ran to his locker and came back clutching a sprig of wolfsbane, which he slapped across Embiid’s face until he came too.

After practice today, Nerlens came in and saw him hunched over a small plasma television, watching something intently. Nerlens asked him what he was doing and Embiid said he was “watching tape.” We went over to him and saw the television wasn’t even plugged in.

I hope he pulls it together.

We play the Knicks tonight. What a great showcase of NBA basketball this will be.

OBSCURE PHILADELPHIA ATHLETE OF THE WEEK: Corie Blount

Corie Blount! Philadelphia 76ers power forward from 2001-2002. Larry Brown knew he needed one more cog to push the 76ers over the hump after bowing out in the 2001 championship round against the Lakers, but my-oh-my Corie Blount was not that cog. The 33-year-old waste of space had one and only move whenever his stone hands actually caught a pass, a blind, horrible turnaround jump shot that usually found itself bouncing off the skull of a fan in the fifth row of the First Union Center.

Blount appeared in 72 for the Sixers (somehow starting 21 of them) for the defending Eastern conference champions and did not dazzle. He averaged 6.5 points a game and less than a block a game, but to his credit he did average about 9 rebounds a game, most of them quickly followed up by a turnaround jump shot off the top of the backboard or an errant pass clanging off the scoreboard of the First Union Center.

Blount did lead the team in one key category….most times being called a “Waste of space hack” by Allen Iverson, averaging about 6.3 times per game.

Corie Blount Fun Facts:

– Blount was sentenced to one year in an Ohio prison in 2009 for marijuana possession. He did not see the irony in his arrest which cost him serious votes in the “High Times” Man of the Year award.

– Shoved into a locker by Dikembe Mutombo after every single home game.

– Unsuccessfully tried to get his teammates to call him and Iverson by the dual nickname, “The Answer and the Question.” Was shot down by Aaron McKie after he reportedly said, “The only question I can think of is why you’re still on this team.”

– Lost to a 14-year-old fan in a halftime “Layup, free throw, three point shot” contest. Was stuck on the free throw portion for 25 shots.

– Attended one of Pat Croce’s pirate ship dive excursions during the all-star break. Was left in the middle of the Pacific Ocean after Croce “forgot” he was still underwater. Made it back to the team for the start of the second half of the season, to the disappointment of everyone.

Hinkie signs deceased, former NBA great to contract

The 76ers have announced their intentions to sign the corpse of Manute Bol to a 5-year contract, dependent on his ability to claw himself out of his coffin before the All-Star break.

Age – 47 at time of death.

Height – 7’7

Current status – Dead

Pros – Has NBA ready experience, but hasn’t stepped on a court or terra firma for more than five years. Still possesses fabulous length, but limbs and height may have atrophied since he left this plane of wordly existence. Yet to be seen if he’ll take on the characteristics of the undead from a George Romero movie or 28 Weeks Later … could be a major advantage for team if he commits to a 28 Weeks Later role, as speed and agility would certainly increase.

Can still knock down the occasion three-point shot from beyond the grave. He cannot be worse than Samuel Dalembert, who is still in the NBA.

Cons – Teammates could possibly be distracted by stench. Will not stop talking about brains and a desire to consume them. May be too amazed by his resurrection to fully commit to basketball duties on and off the court. Fingernails and hair continued to grow after death, so a trim and a shave is a necessity.

Outlook – Despite his death, Bol still possess Grade-A height and could serve as a mentor for Nerlens Noel, as he did for Shawn Bradley back in 1994. It remains to be seen how rising from the grave will effect his defense, but it should not be an issue. He needs to improve scoring and suppress his desire to shamble into the crowd and feast on delicious brains of the fans.

However, desire to eat brains could work itself into a favorable team contract, as brains do not count against the salary cap.

Hinkie signs Russian occultist to three-year deal

The Coggin Toboggan recently learned the 76ers have signed Russian occultist and accomplished power forward Sergei Krasnoff to a three-year, incentive laden deal. Our source sent us the team’s scouting report on the newest addition to the 76ers.

Sergei Krasnoff

Age – Undetermined. Scouts have him pegged at 22, but could range anywhere from 20 to upwards of 3,000. Ancient parchment detailing his birth is sketchy at best.

Height – 6’6

Ethics/Personal philosophy – Evil.

Pros – Seems to understand the game of basketball fairly well with a decent mid-game and developing range. Ability to speak Russian will come in handy the next time Furkan Aldemir is found passed out on homemade vodka in the owners booth. Willing to get dirty and do what needs to be done. Has mentioned several times to our scouts that the “benefits of the putrid” outweigh the “benefits of the pure at heart.” Still unsure of what that seems to mean.

Cons – Has a slow first step. Oftentimes is distracted and has been caught muttering ancient incantations to himself when he needs to be setting a high pick and roll for his guards. Refuses to use a team issued playbook, instead chose to create his own with a special binding that may or may not be human skin, which lets out a tortured scream each time it’s opened. Could possibly be a reincarnated version of Rasputin with better passing ability.

Outlook – Needs to improve low post game and resist temptations of evil to be effective in this league. If he can improve his outside shooting and limit his intake of flesh to 3-4 times a week, he may be a force off the bench.

We suck again

HI top fade

Philadelphia 76ers (7-30). Morale is low. Henry Syms has dysentery and KJ McDaniels was bitten by a rattlesnake.

We had won two out of our last three until Kyle Korver came to town and ripped our collective hearts out. How many three point shots can our terrible guards leave him wide open for before they catch on and realize he can actually shoot. He’s a slow, white guard, what else could that mother fucker do?! He’s not out there to explode into the lane, he shoots underhand free throws for fucks sake. Not even Furkan Aldemir’s gypsy hexes off the end of the bench couldn’t slow him down, but at one point in the game Jeff Teague did start coughing up black viscera and bleeding from his eyes, so perhaps he was just a bit off.

Furkan continues to be a mystery. Nobody knows where he goes after the games. Tony said he saw him running into the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center after a shoot around and tried to follow him, but it was like he melted away into a steam filled corridor. He showed up in time for the game covered in millipedes and wouldn’t go into the game until he “speak with Big Shot in person and discuss what it means to be a man.” Nobody had the heart to tell him Big Shot hasn’t been the mascot for over 20 years.

Nerlens was so upset after the game he soaked me in the finest mineral oils and epsom salts for what seemed like hours.

Next up, we take on the Toronto Raptors in Canada. JaKarr Sampson will not be making the trip with us, as he can’t legally cross the Canada border due to a horrific poutine incident 5 years ago that has still left him a wanted man in Montreal.

What a start to the New Year

Holy shit we’re undefeated. Undefeated at home in 2015. After months of fielding squads that couldn’t beat intramural high school teams we finally beat an NBA level team for our fifth win of the year. Yes, I know the Cavs didn’t have Lebron or Kyrie Irving on the floor, but jesus christ did I need this. It was good to finally crush something other than the dozen and dozens of homeless prostitutes we enjoy on a weekly basis.

New to the team this past month is Furkan Aldemir, a Turkish national basketball star. He showed up one afternoon, didn’t say a word to anyone in the locker room, and immediately began to prepare and cook several lamb kebabs in a crudely built barbecue pit he slapped together on the floor. They were delicious. He’s taken to checking himself into games without Coach Brown’s permission and launches at least two half court shots a quarter, laughing maniacally and spitting at unwed women in the first several rows of the Wells Fargo Center. Nobody has any idea what he’s doing. He screamed at Tony Wroten the other day in garbled English and viciously slapped him across the face, bringing Tony to tears. Despite his quirks, he’s probably the best and scariest player on this team.