What does young Brett Brown look like?

I’m a busy man this week at work, but sometimes you have to take a step back and focus on what’s truly important.

One of the great follows on Twitter, @gippergrove, blessed the 76ers community…no….the WORLD with a treasure trove of pictures of a very young Brett Brown with a glorious mane of curly hair and some of the biggest glasses I’ve ever seen outside of a three-ring circus.

(Credit: @GipperGrove)

My God. Gaze upon him and give thanks, but be fearful, for Coach Brown giveth and he certainly taketh away.

Here is an all-encompassing and VERY IMPORTANT list of what young Brett Brown looks like:

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And the next General Manager for the 76ers will be…

…Me. It’s me. BAH GAWD, THAT’S COGGIN’S MUSIC.

Yes. I am officially throwing my name into the hat for the vacant general manager position with your hometown Philadelphia 76ers. What once was previously held by an immature and insecure lover of shirts with huge collars will now be held by an immature and insecure man who owns only the finest normal collared shirts that money can buy from Kohls department stores.

The NBA draft is tomorrow, so we need to get moving. We need to put the kettle on the stove, shift into high gear, and cover all our bases to make sure we move this franchise in the RIGHT DIRECTION to optimize our chances of success.

I’ve got all my stock answers and banal statements down, which will surely put me in the good graces of 76ers CEO Scott O’Neil. Let’s check in on Scott’s Twitter account to see if he’s made any decision yet on my application.

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Not good! Then again, nothing worthwhile has ever come easy, so it’s just the first of many hurdles I’ll have to vault to prove myself to the franchise and a demanding fan base that has driven lesser men than me completely insane or to an early grave.

After the jump, please see my detailed plan of action for success for the 76ers.

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THUNK

At this very moment, Nick Williams felt what every single Phillies fan felt last night while watching this beleaguered bullpen try to cough away yet another win after a stellar performance from Nick Pivetta.

The Phillies ended winning in 10 after blowing a 9th inning two run lead, but not before Williams took a ball off the outfield fence into the old schnozolla, resulting in a deluge of blood and several social media videos he’d likely enjoy being scrubbed from the internet….all of which you can see after the jump!

(Andrew Dice Clay voice) BALLS ACROSS THE NOSE….OHHH!

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What sequel is the worst of all time compared to its original?

This may be the worst time in sports. The Phillies are still early in their season, the NBA season is finished, NBA free agency/the draft doesn’t start for another month, and the Eagles are running around in shorts while beat writers try to pump out 2,000 word minicamp columns about the “explosiveness” of a 5th string cornerback that has no chance of making the roster.

I’m bored. This is boring. So let’s talk about movies, shall we?

A few weeks ago I posted a statement on Twitter about Major League II, which seemed to garner quite a bit of attention from the morons that find me to be a good follow.

Major League II is just a god awful sequel. One of the worst ever made when compared to the absolute classic that preceded it. Sadly, many people leapt to its defense, leaving me to wonder if perhaps I was the crazy one who misremembered the movie being a complete piece of shit.

After watching it for about an hour I am happy to report that it’s still a heaping, smoldering pile of runny dung left to fester and rot in the sun.

It features a number of red flags that immediately let’s you know it’s going to be SHIT. All of the original cast members from the first movie didn’t come back? Check. Instead of writing a character’s absence into the script, they’re recast with a much worse actor? Check. One of the main character completely changes their attitude/way of thinking for no reason whatsoever other than for a plot point that they must “find” what gave them success in the first place? Check. Going from a hard R rating to a PG-13 rating? Check. An expanded cast of “wacky” and “crazy” characters to up the ante of the sequel? CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Wesley Snipes’ Willie Mayes Hayes character was recast as Omar Epps. Rick Vaughn is a spineless businessman and Pedro Cerrano is a pacifist for not reason at all other than for “laughs.” A kooky Japanese baseball character is brought into the mix to really add to the grab bag of hilarity. They didn’t even film the movie in Cleveland, choosing to film all of the baseball scenes at Camden Yards in Baltimore. What the hell is going on?

But is it the worst sequel of all time when you think about the DISPARITY OF GREATNESS when compared with the original? Major League is, in my opinion, the best movie about baseball ever made. It’s eminently re-watchable,  quotable, and a timeless piece of film. It’s not dated after nearly three decades, unlike the sequel that seemed out of place the second it came out in theaters in 1994.

We need rules though, people. Rules are what define us; they bring order to chaos. Let’s try to narrow this down and bring clarity to this pressing question after the jump.

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Bryan Colangelo throwing his wife under the bus is the act of a true rat

Did anyone expect anything the end of Bryan “with a Y” Colangelo to go any differently when we all heard about this last week? Joe Pesci summed up the entire Colangelo mess with a few perfect lines in Goodfellas:

“Fucking rat. His whole family’s all rats. He would’ve grown up to be a rat too.”

It’s no secret that we at the Toboggan were never fans of man child Bryan Colangelo and his stupidity, troubling relationship with his father, love for huge collars, but this just cements our belief that you were never suited for the job.

Bryan finally grew up into a rat just like his old man when he decided to throw his wife completely and wholeheartedly under the bus instead of accepting any blame whatsoever after the 76ers unceremoniously dumped his ass to the curb after one of the most humiliating stretches the franchise has seen off the course in decades.

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Trump’s Celebration of America Program has been leaked

We have eyes and ears everywhere in Washington, D.C., so it was only a matter of time until President Trump’s “Celebration of America” program leaked and was placed in our grubby little hands by one of our various little birdies flittering and fluttering around the halls of the White House.

After realizing only a handful of Eagles could stomach being within a 100-yard proximity of Trump, the commander in chief abruptly cancelled the Eagles planned visit to the White House this afternoon for their Super Bowl LII victory.

His reasons? The usual “let’s throw some shit about the National Anthem and NFL protests against the wall” to see what sticks.

Sounds like a fun event! I’m sure nobody will be disappointed that they get to see jowly Trump in all his pasty glory trudging across the White House lawn instead of their Philadelphia Eagles heroes.

If you’re planning on going down to D.C. for the “big” celebration this afternoon, here’s the leaked series of events for the program.

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Can Joel Embiid stop playing pickup games against goofy idiots before I have a heart attack?

Joel Embiid took to the courts of Philadelphia over the weekend on a whim and decided to slaughter all of the goofy white guys who dared get in his way. The videos, captured in all of their ball-busting glory on Twitter, are fabulous.

Take a look and cower as Embiid viciously dunks on any hipster that dares get in his way:

https://twitter.com/rjwalter5/status/1001223849852141570

So good. I could watch them all day long.

Glad you got it out of your system, Joel, because Lou Brown has some sage words of advice for you after the jump:

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Jesus Christ. All I can think about watching these clips is Joel dunking on some loser, coming down from the rim and landing on someone’s foot and tearing every single ligament in his knee.

For anyone playing basketball in South Philly where Joel has been known to show up, if you see the big man strolling over to the court to play you should be courteous, let him into your game, and for the love of god don’t play any defense against him whatsoever. Do you really want to be caught on someone’s iPhone as the guy Joel lands on and misses the next season because he tore his ACL after you gawked at his windmill dunk and didn’t get out of his landing zone?

Because if you do end up as that guy you’re going to be drawn and quartered by the furious Process Trusters in this town for ending the 76ers next season before the summer league.

Get out of his way, let him throw down a dunk, take a selfie, and then thank god that he didn’t get hurt on your court.

I’m breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

You know what won’t make you nervous? Awesome Phillies merch. Click the Phillies banners below to buy some awesome Fanatics Phillies merchandise for Father’s Day.

Shop Philadelphia Phillies gear at Fanatics.com!

Shop Philadelphia Phillies gear at Fanatics.com!

Britt McHenry firmly put in her place by Kevin Mawae after Chris Long criticism

Kevin Mawae did what we were all fantasizing about doing yesterday to human bucket of ammonia Britt McHenry, as he put the bleached blonde gas bag firmly in her place after the attention grabber inexplicably tweeted a 10-part conspiracy theory about the Eagles Chris Long and his charitable contributions.

Perhaps a tad woozy arising from her coffin after a night of feasting on the blood of the innocent and small rodents, McHenry decided it would be a perfectly sane time to fire off several tweets criticizing Chris Long’s take-down of the new NFL National Anthem policy.

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BREAKING: Phillies select fan from Cherry Hill as batting practice pitcher

At the start of the season, the Phillies put out an interesting call on their social media platforms, asking for YouTube-submitted applications from left-handed fans who were interested in tossing batting practice during home games this season.

The Phillies found their man and he’s starting his job tonight, according to Bonnie Clark, vice president of communications with the team.

Shawn Senior, a resident of Cherry Hill, will toss left-handed batting practice before tonight’s game against the Atlanta Braves and will be on hand this season to throw before every home game.

The Phillies had over 400 applicants for the position and narrowed it down to seven finalists, Clark confirmed, before selecting Senior.

Senior has professional baseball experience, as he was drafted by the Boston Red Sox in 1993 and played for four seasons in their minor league system.

Over four seasons he won 38 games, lost 33, and had a 3.99 ERA, according to The Baseball Cube.

You can buy his minor league card for $1 on Amazon as we speak. Snatch it up, he’s going to be famous soon.

Click the Phillies banners below to buy some awesome Fanatics Phillies merchandise for Father’s Day.

Shop Philadelphia Phillies gear at Fanatics.com!

Shop Philadelphia Phillies gear at Fanatics.com!