This may be the worst time in sports. The Phillies are still early in their season, the NBA season is finished, NBA free agency/the draft doesn’t start for another month, and the Eagles are running around in shorts while beat writers try to pump out 2,000 word minicamp columns about the “explosiveness” of a 5th string cornerback that has no chance of making the roster.
I’m bored. This is boring. So let’s talk about movies, shall we?
A few weeks ago I posted a statement on Twitter about Major League II, which seemed to garner quite a bit of attention from the morons that find me to be a good follow.
Major League II is just a god awful sequel. One of the worst ever made when compared to the absolute classic that preceded it. Sadly, many people leapt to its defense, leaving me to wonder if perhaps I was the crazy one who misremembered the movie being a complete piece of shit.
After watching it for about an hour I am happy to report that it’s still a heaping, smoldering pile of runny dung left to fester and rot in the sun.
It features a number of red flags that immediately let’s you know it’s going to be SHIT. All of the original cast members from the first movie didn’t come back? Check. Instead of writing a character’s absence into the script, they’re recast with a much worse actor? Check. One of the main character completely changes their attitude/way of thinking for no reason whatsoever other than for a plot point that they must “find” what gave them success in the first place? Check. Going from a hard R rating to a PG-13 rating? Check. An expanded cast of “wacky” and “crazy” characters to up the ante of the sequel? CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK.
Wesley Snipes’ Willie Mayes Hayes character was recast as Omar Epps. Rick Vaughn is a spineless businessman and Pedro Cerrano is a pacifist for not reason at all other than for “laughs.” A kooky Japanese baseball character is brought into the mix to really add to the grab bag of hilarity. They didn’t even film the movie in Cleveland, choosing to film all of the baseball scenes at Camden Yards in Baltimore. What the hell is going on?
But is it the worst sequel of all time when you think about the DISPARITY OF GREATNESS when compared with the original? Major League is, in my opinion, the best movie about baseball ever made. It’s eminently re-watchable, quotable, and a timeless piece of film. It’s not dated after nearly three decades, unlike the sequel that seemed out of place the second it came out in theaters in 1994.
We need rules though, people. Rules are what define us; they bring order to chaos. Let’s try to narrow this down and bring clarity to this pressing question after the jump.
I received many, many suggestions for horrendous sequels on social media, but let’s down some ground rules for this discussion first. We are not animals.
- The movie has to have been released in a theater. No straight to DVD pieces of shit. It’s easy to do a quick cash in on a classic if it’s going to DVD (Slapshot 2, Roadhouse 2, Mean Girls 2) but it takes BALLS to put it out in the theater.
- It has to be a DIRECT sequel. For example, you couldn’t compare Major League III: Back to the Minors to Major League, but you COULD compare it to Major League II. Major League II sucked, so the disparity between that and Major League III wouldn’t be all that great.
- The original movie you’re comparing the sequel to has to be considered a classic. Got a lot of suggestions for Weekend at Bernies 2. Yeah, it was awful, but the first one is like 2-stars at best.
Sound good? Everyone got it? Ok, let’s delve in and see what the people suggested.
Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2
Easily the most popular suggestion on Twitter.
Maybe one character from the original (Chevy Chase, who probably had less than 5 minutes of screen time) came back for the sequel. Instead of Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, and Ted Knight we were treated to Dan Aykroyd, Jackie Mason, Robert Stack and Randy Quaid giving people wedgies. WEDGIES.
This guy puts it best.
Blues Brothers and Blue Brothers 2000
Dan Aykroyd again. Dan, what the fuck? Nothing but a cash-grab more than three decades after the original movie and your co-star Jon Belushi being long dead in the ground. Instead of jokes about Nazis and selling little girls on the black market, we were treated to John Goodman and a little kid Blues Brother. I think there’s also a scene where they died and were resurrected by a voodoo jazz singer or something? I don’t know.
Grease and Grease 2
Don’t lie. You love Grease. Everybody loves Grease. You get a whiff of “Summer Lovin” on the air and I dare you to not sing a few bars. A WELL A WELL A WELL A TELL ME MORE TELL ME MORE. You can’t resist it.
Grease 2 is a complete recast job, outside of a few of the more ancillary characters. Maxwell Caulfield trying to take over for the smoldering stare of John Travolta as the lead Thunderbird? Not on my watch, pal. TAKE IT OUT TO THUNDER ROAD.
The Sting and The Sting II
When you move from the smoldering sexuality and chemistry of Robert Redford and Paul Newman to a morbidly obese Jackie Gleason and something named Mac Davis, you can be assured of disappointment. No scam is going to convince you that The Sting II was a good idea, ya follow?
The Godfather Part II and The Godfather Part III
I guess they made Pacino an offer he truly couldn’t refuse to appear in this piece of garbage and act alongside human bag of cement Sophia Copolla for close to three hours.
Other notable mentions I saw pop up on Twitter more than once:
- Meatballs and Meatballs 2 – Meatballs is dated and not funny. DISQUALIFIED.
- Jaws and Jaws II – Jaws II is a two-star, average movie. Not horrendous. DISQUALIFIED.
- Dumb and Dumber and Dumb and Dumberer – I struggled with this one. Dumb and Dumberer is truly one of the worst movies ever made, but it’s technically a prequel. DISQUALIFIED.
- Fletch and Fletch 2 – Fletch is dated, not all that great to begin with. DISQUALIFIED.
- Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf 2 – Get the hell out of here. DISQUALIFIED.
- Aliens and Alien 3 – Also one I struggled with putting on the list. Aliens is a 100% masterpiece, but there’s enough decent stuff in Alien 3 that I think it gets more of a bad rap than it should. DISQUALIFIED.
Did I miss any? My vote is still Major League II, but I think I’m in the minority to Caddyshack 2.
If you had anything to do with the making or writing of any of these sequels, you should feel very poorly about yourself.
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