…Me. It’s me. BAH GAWD, THAT’S COGGIN’S MUSIC.
Yes. I am officially throwing my name into the hat for the vacant general manager position with your hometown Philadelphia 76ers. What once was previously held by an immature and insecure lover of shirts with huge collars will now be held by an immature and insecure man who owns only the finest normal collared shirts that money can buy from Kohls department stores.
The NBA draft is tomorrow, so we need to get moving. We need to put the kettle on the stove, shift into high gear, and cover all our bases to make sure we move this franchise in the RIGHT DIRECTION to optimize our chances of success.
I’ve got all my stock answers and banal statements down, which will surely put me in the good graces of 76ers CEO Scott O’Neil. Let’s check in on Scott’s Twitter account to see if he’s made any decision yet on my application.
Not good! Then again, nothing worthwhile has ever come easy, so it’s just the first of many hurdles I’ll have to vault to prove myself to the franchise and a demanding fan base that has driven lesser men than me completely insane or to an early grave.
After the jump, please see my detailed plan of action for success for the 76ers.
First things first. The draft is Thursday. Now, I’m sure Brett Brown has done yeoman’s work to prepare and scout potential draftees for the 2018-2019 season. Great job, Brett, nicely done.
Now go ahead and throw all that work out of the window.
I’m a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy! I know what I know, and I know what I see. We’re going to play this one by ear, gang, and see what shakes out on draft night with that #10 pick. I don’t want to hear anything about VORP, or usage percentage, or win shares, or arrest records…..I only listen to my gut.
I’ll take a look at these youngsters, look them right in the eye on draft night, and that’s how I’ll make my decision. Clammy handshake, Trae Young? So long. Not introducing me to your mom, Mikal Bridges? Beat it. Not being able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance on demand, Luca Doncic? Back to Turkmenistan or wherever the hell you’re from and never come back. Off with you.
THESE THINGS MATTER, PEOPLE! Many people are saying character is the most important factor for a draft pick, not talent. Many talented people are saying that.
So the draft is finished. I’ve led the 76ers to a unanimously praised draft that many pundits are declaring “could be the greatest assemblage of young talent ever selected by a GM, living or dead.” No big deal. That was to be expected.
But now, well, now the real works begins. Sure, I’m already beloved by the fans, my employees, coaching staff and players, but do I have their respect? The only way to truly earn respect is to be a leader by example, and lead I shall.
By next week, I promise that I will pick a fight with 76ers Managing Partner Josh Harris. Yes, I know he would technically be my boss and my superior, but respect is earned, and like a prisoner during his first day in the yard, I need to make an example out of someone.
What would garner me more respect among the Wells Fargo Center hallways? Smart, level-headed decision making and a firm, but tender, hand to steer the ship? Or the sucker punching of a middle-aged man in full view of everyone during my introductory press conference?
I’ll let the mental image of this man knocked out cold with me screaming obscenities over his lifeless body answer that question for you.
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET, HARRIS, THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME COCK-EYED. LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ANYONE WHO STEPS TO ME FUNNY, THAT’S GOING TO BE YOUR FUTURE, RIGHT THERE. OH, WHAT, DO YOU NOT APPROVE, SCOTT? DO YOU NOT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? COME HERE YOU BASTARD.
::chases Scott O’Neil through the office with a steel folding chair::
Two words for you: Reverse psychology.
::Calls up LeBron’s agent out of the blue::
“Hi, yes this is Coggin with the 76ers. Just calling to let you know that we won’t be offering LeBron a contract for next year. Uh huh, that’s right, no thanks. No, we don’t think he’d fit what we’re going for with our roster and he’s not what we’re looking for in the long term. No, I’m sorry, that’s our final decision. Thank you.”
::puts feet up on desk, clasps hands behind head::
“He’ll be back.”
An obvious area of concern, considering what happened with the former GM. First off, yes, I am married, but I can assure you that my wife cares so little for me that she would never go through the trouble of creating a “burner account” to defend me on twitter. It’s unfathomable for me to even consider this to be a possibility, considering she hasn’t spoken to me since our marriage of convenience and disappears for weeks at a time.
I do have a burner account, I’ll admit to that, but I’ll publicize it in the name of transparency. Here it is:
Hopefully this won’t be a problem.
As my final act, here is a detailed resume I’d like to submit to assure you that I am serious about taking this position. I’m a people person, I love to learn, and I believe you’ll find my skill set to be impeccable and a perfect fit for this opportunity.
I look forward to bringing multiple championships to Philadelphia.
Also, the 76ers told me that if I sell 10 t-shirts, the position is mine. Help a guy out.