Philadelphia

Editor’s note: A disaster of Ruben Amaro Jr. proportions

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just several days into the greatest sports blog this city has ever seen we’ve ran into our first moral dilemma. i’ve been vomiting for hours and I can not stop crying. Not since “Sophie’s Choice” has anyone ever been at such a crossroads in their life. I’ve been punching holes in just about all of my house’s walls for hours now, but I’m still at a loss for what to do.

Please, before I reveal this horrid development, forcefully remove any child reading this from his/her computer and lock them in the basement with an orange for the next 45 minutes, this is adult business and I don’t want them to see their guardian weeping openly at their computer.

David Coggin, the man (the myth, the legend) this blog was founded on, has blocked me on Twitter.

Let me repeat that….DAVID COGGIN…the greatest pitcher the Phillies have seen in the last century….blocked the founder of this blog on Twitter.

The evidence:

It’s too painful. Was it the toboggan references? Depicting you as a gun toting alcoholic, carrying a grudge against Philadelphia? Were you working on a blog of your own and didn’t want to compete with a superior, already established site? DAVID YOU OWE ME THIS MUCH…JUST LET ME KNOW.

We shall plug on. We didn’t found ourselves on the man himself, but for what he stood for…moderately amusing observations and a gigantic waste of time.

Hinkie signs Russian occultist to three-year deal

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The Coggin Toboggan recently learned the 76ers have signed Russian occultist and accomplished power forward Sergei Krasnoff to a three-year, incentive laden deal. Our source sent us the team’s scouting report on the newest addition to the 76ers.

Sergei Krasnoff

Age – Undetermined. Scouts have him pegged at 22, but could range anywhere from 20 to upwards of 3,000. Ancient parchment detailing his birth is sketchy at best.

Height – 6’6

Ethics/Personal philosophy – Evil.

Pros – Seems to understand the game of basketball fairly well with a decent mid-game and developing range. Ability to speak Russian will come in handy the next time Furkan Aldemir is found passed out on homemade vodka in the owners booth. Willing to get dirty and do what needs to be done. Has mentioned several times to our scouts that the “benefits of the putrid” outweigh the “benefits of the pure at heart.” Still unsure of what that seems to mean.

Cons – Has a slow first step. Oftentimes is distracted and has been caught muttering ancient incantations to himself when he needs to be setting a high pick and roll for his guards. Refuses to use a team issued playbook, instead chose to create his own with a special binding that may or may not be human skin, which lets out a tortured scream each time it’s opened. Could possibly be a reincarnated version of Rasputin with better passing ability.

Outlook – Needs to improve low post game and resist temptations of evil to be effective in this league. If he can improve his outside shooting and limit his intake of flesh to 3-4 times a week, he may be a force off the bench.

We suck again

HI top fade

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (7-30). Morale is low. Henry Syms has dysentery and KJ McDaniels was bitten by a rattlesnake.

We had won two out of our last three until Kyle Korver came to town and ripped our collective hearts out. How many three point shots can our terrible guards leave him wide open for before they catch on and realize he can actually shoot. He’s a slow, white guard, what else could that mother fucker do?! He’s not out there to explode into the lane, he shoots underhand free throws for fucks sake. Not even Furkan Aldemir’s gypsy hexes off the end of the bench couldn’t slow him down, but at one point in the game Jeff Teague did start coughing up black viscera and bleeding from his eyes, so perhaps he was just a bit off.

Furkan continues to be a mystery. Nobody knows where he goes after the games. Tony said he saw him running into the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center after a shoot around and tried to follow him, but it was like he melted away into a steam filled corridor. He showed up in time for the game covered in millipedes and wouldn’t go into the game until he “speak with Big Shot in person and discuss what it means to be a man.” Nobody had the heart to tell him Big Shot hasn’t been the mascot for over 20 years.

Nerlens was so upset after the game he soaked me in the finest mineral oils and epsom salts for what seemed like hours.

Next up, we take on the Toronto Raptors in Canada. JaKarr Sampson will not be making the trip with us, as he can’t legally cross the Canada border due to a horrific poutine incident 5 years ago that has still left him a wanted man in Montreal.

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Christie seen struggling to fit into Columbus Crew jersey

GREEN BAY, WIS – Reports flooded The Coggin Toboggan newsroom moments after the Dallas Cowboys fell to the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday evening, as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was seen berating an intern and tearing into the package of freshly purchased Columbus Crew jersey that he struggled to pour himself into.

“I told you to purchase an XXXL sized jersey, this is an XXL, you moron!” The perturbed governor reportedly yelled at an intern, as the young government employee sheepishly tried to help the rotund government leader pull the jersey down over his watermelon sized head.

Numerous sources claimed Christie ran into a hotdog cart in a comical fashion as the jersey was draped over his head, sending frankfurters skittering down a Lambeau Field promenade.

“Put a few of those in your pockets for the flight back to New Jersey. What is this, amateur hour?” Christie reportedly hissed at the intern after successfully stuffing himself into the straining soccer jersey.

Christie has been under fire recently from national and local media for his choice in fandom, being spotted in Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’s suite as the Cowboys defeated the Detroit Lion in the NFC Wildcard playoff round two week ago.

He angered Philadelphia fans earlier in the week when he described them as the worst in football. He clarified his remarks in a later press release sent to Philadelphia media outlets.

“I in no way said Philadelphia fans were the worst in football. I said they were pieces of shit,” Christie wrote in the release.

Wendy Gunderschmidt, a public works employee at Lambeau Field, told the CT she saw Christie throw his tarp-sized Cowboys jersey into a trashcan and leave the suite in a rage after Aaron Rogers clinched the victory for the Packers.

Gunderschmidt reported the jersey was slathered in chili, garlic salt, beer, whiskey, nacho cheese, ketchup, hotdog crumbs, spicy brown mustard, relish, cotton candy, paint thinner, Skittles, several large chunks of Bratwurst (spicy and mild flavored), and salsa. Upon closer inspection, the jersey had been retrofitted with several secret inseams capable of hiding numerous links of sausage.

The CT reached out the governor’s office for comment on his sudden change in fandom, and if it confirmed a possible presidential run and the beginning of a new courtship of Ohio voters.

“Absolutely not. I’ve been a fan of the Columbus Click (sic) for as long as I’ve been a fan of soccer,” Christie said. “How can you not root for mid-fighter (sic) Wil Trap and Federico Higuain to score all of the goals?”

Obscure Philadelphia athlete of the week: Rob Ducey

Rob Ducey reflecting on happier times, like when he wasn’t playing for the Phillies in the late 90s.

Rob Ducey! Phillies outfielder for three partial seasons from 1999 to 2001! Played 246 games for the Fightins and hit an IMPRESSIVE 15 home runs. He did, however, reach his career high in RBI for a season with 33 in 1999 with the Phillies, so that’s something he can always remember and look back on fondly.

Now, my memory isn’t what it used to be, but with an athlete of Rob’s caliber playing for the organization for three seasons, they must have been fairly good. Oh wait, they were 228-258 over that time period. They SUCKED and he SUCKED. God those late 90s Phillies teams were just wastelands for talent to go and die. When Rico Brogna and Wayne Gomes are the highlights of your roster, just call an end to your franchise, because you really have no hope.

Rob Ducey fun facts:

– Once sprained his wrist filling out thousands of all star ballots in his favor. Was placed on the DL for two months and none of the votes were registered as his wife threw them away in the garbage when she didn’t want to taint the exhibition game with his shit.

– Accidentally knocked over Whitey Ashburn’s casket at his memorial service. Blamed his son, who is still banned from the city of Philadelphia.

– Is rumored to have used a bat infused with the essence of a thousand orphan souls.

– As a prospect, his rating was downgraded for his habit of running to third base out of the batter’s box. Blamed it on the Coriolis effect, which made no sense.

– Traded to Toronto in 2000 by Ed Wade for a lifetime membership to Golds Gym. Wade used the membership three times. mes since.

One man, a toboggan, and a harbinger of doom

Welcome to the newest blog on the Philadelphia sports scene, The Coggin Toboggan. Here at the CT, we vow to uphold the traditions upon which this site was founded.

Almost 15 years ago a right-handed pitcher found his way to the Philadelphia Phillies main roster, called up in June of 2000, making his major league debut on June 23. He’d start in five games that year for a team that would finish 65-97, but he showed something to the roster, going UNDEFEATED with a sterling 2-0 record and a 5.33 ERA.

Sure, David Coggin didn’t have the brilliance of an all-star pitcher or the handsome good looks of a young Otis Nixon. Sure, he would only appear in 55 more big league games over the course of two more lackluster seasons before retiring from the game he loved so dear…but ask anyone on those squads for a word or two on Coggin, and the majority will say, “Who?” And yes, the only remaining story worth telling about David Coggin was when a teammate tricked him into thinking the home games were played in Camden, New Jersey, and he cried for two hours straight until Terry Francona told him to shut the fuck up.

But do you know what David had over those three stellar years nobody else had? Something that nobody on those rosters could take away from him? A funny last name that could be rhymed with toboggan.

Fifteen years ago, while just a teen, my group of friends and I decided to attend a Phillies game with a toboggan and the greatest fan group of all was born. Coggin’s Tobaggon.

Oh what glorious plans did we have to honor our hero. After each and every strikeout registered from our hero, a ceremonious ride down one of the stairways at Veteran’s Stadium was to be performed by one of the members of the group…safety and brain cells be damned.

We never did make it to a game. The logistics of carrying a toboggan into the Vet and the threat of plummeting from the outfield stands onto the turf to our death proved too much. As quickly as it had been born, Coggin’s Tobaggon suffered a bittersweet death.

But the name hasn’t left my head in all these years. It has been resurrected in the form of a blog dedicated on bringing Philadelphia the finest in whiskey drenched sports musings.

So lets have some laughs, watch as our beloved Philadelphia teams struggle to succeed, and always remember what David Coggin said to a group of Philadelphia reporters the day he was released.

“I’ll be back in 15 years and you’re ALL GOING TO DIE” (reportedly said while firing a shotgun into a crowd and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels) *

*Most likely did not happen