Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of the 76ers front office this morning are showing Joel Embiid suffered another injury to his oft-injured right foot.
While the medical information is differing, there were numerous reports this morning Embiid’s leg had been amputated beneath the knee sometime in the past month and was being fitted for a peg leg this afternoon.
RIP
Philadelphia, PA – Not wanting to see the beloved Joel Embiid in pain any longer, Sam Hinkie learned how cruel the world could be and what it means to be a grown up.
“You know it’s the right thing to do Sam. If you love him, you won’t let him suffer any longer,” 76ers Managing Owner Josh Harris told the crying Hinkie, as he handed him a loaded double-barreled Remington shotgun.
Please sign him, Ruben.
No Dario Saric next year, Joel Embiid’s foot fell off last week (or so I’ve heard) and the Lakers may draft D’Angelo Russell, ruining literally MINUTES of work I put in on Twitter to interview the kid.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Philadelphia sports scene moving into the depths of summer. Did you know yesterday was the official first day of summer? I bet you didn’t, but it’s all downhill from here folks until we find ourselves in another dank, dark, depressing Northeast winter.
3…2…1….
Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.
Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.
“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.
At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.
Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”
Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.
The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:
“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”
As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.
Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:
Philadelphia 76ers (8-33). Brett Brown looks like he wants to punch Sam Hinkie in his face every time he sees him.
You vultures. Do you know what you’re putting Joel Embiid through? Ever since the report came out calling him a lazy, fat bum, Embiid has developed a pretty nasty eating habit. He’s been “cleansing” (drinking only chickory, lemon water, and Siracha) for the past week trying to lose weight and it’s really fucking with his head. We all found him passed out on the locker room floor after we were blown out by Detroit, speaking in ancient tongues that only Furkan Aldemir seemed to understand. He ran to his locker and came back clutching a sprig of wolfsbane, which he slapped across Embiid’s face until he came too.
After practice today, Nerlens came in and saw him hunched over a small plasma television, watching something intently. Nerlens asked him what he was doing and Embiid said he was “watching tape.” We went over to him and saw the television wasn’t even plugged in.
I hope he pulls it together.
We play the Knicks tonight. What a great showcase of NBA basketball this will be.
The Coggin Toboggan 