Dallas

Festivus is Cancelled Because The Eagles Beat the Cowboys

Sorry folks, put your aluminum poles away. They’ll be fine in the crawl space, believe me, they have a very high strength to weight ratio after all.

I’m sorry to announce that Festivus is cancelled for the year. Why? Because you can’t celebrate Festivus a day after the Eagles embarrass the Dallas Cowboys on national television for the NFC East crown.

Really, what can we complain about? What grievances could we possibly air, Philadelphia, one day after sending the Cowboys back to the heart of Texas with yet another huge “L” in a big spot with many more questions than answers in their future.

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Howard Eskin has gone full heel and there is nobody better in Philadelphia

Howard Eskin has gone from radio jackass nobody liked to full-on Philadelphia sports heel and nobody is doing a better job in the Philadelphia media than he is right now.

It’s not even close. Is there anyone more entertaining right now than Eskin? Especially on Twitter? Whether he’s HILARIOUSLY misspelling names (Cluff Lee is an all-timer) or randomly picking fights with loser wide receivers from the Cowboys, everything he touches turns to gold.

Who would cultivate a week-long beef with no-name Cowboys wide receiver Cole Beasley and subsequently choke slam him through a barbed wire table (metaphorically) just HOURS after the Eagles demolished the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.

Who does this other than heel Howard? He is a full on WWF heel…picking on the weak and defenseless in order to put himself over….and he’s doing it in the most entertaining way possible.

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Tony Romo finally released from dark, cursed bonds, crumbles into dust

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The tortured soul of Tony Romo, bound to this world by dark forces ungoverned by man, was finally released from his earthly toil this morning.

The Curse of Ankarnarng, which tormented the eons old being that became known as Tony Romo in this most recent millennium, was lifted after NFL insider and ESPN reporter Adam Schefter recited the Incantation of Omor backwards at the 50-yard-line of Cowboys stadium during a full moon.

After the ancient curse was lifted from the agonized, decrepit husk of a body, Romo thanked his liberator for releasing him from his tortured existence, smiled slightly, winked and crumbled into a fine dust, which was picked up by a soft, warm breeze and disappeared into the ether, Schefter reported on his Twitter account.

Making sure to grab the White Sword of Damathria and his iPhone 7 before leaving, Schefter made a hasty retreat prior to the appearance of the fearful ogre known only as “Dak of Prescott.”

At press time, a rage filled, hateful scream from Jerry Jones’s office shook the Cowboys stadium to its very core.

Dallas Cowboys sign funeral home owner to active roster for Sunday

romo2212Philadelphia, PA – In light of new developments prior to Sunday’s game, a Dallas Cowboys team representative announced that Larry Donovan, owner and operator of Donovan Family Funeral Home and Cremation services, had been signed to the 53-man active roster.

The move was described as “precautionary” and was in no way due to the announcement that Tony Romo would play several snaps in the second half against the division rival Philadelphia Eagles.

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Who will make our Eagles picks for this week?

Wow…this is why I never bet on football games. The gravy train with biscuit wheels is officially off the tracks. Oh my god we SUCK at making picks for these Eagles games. After a hot start we’ve gotten all four predictions wrong in the past two weeks.

Oh wait, I mean, our guest pickers are terrible at making predictions because these are REAL guests making REAL picks for us.

We are awful.

So this week the Eagles (+4.5) take on the hated Cowboys in a clash of the top two NFC East teams. Dak Prescott welcomes Philadelphia to Arlington and Skip Bayless is already creaming in his jeans to see his crush take on Carson Wentz and the Eagles.

Just admit you want to tenderly kiss Prescott’s neck, Skip, and your life will be so much happier.

Win/loss prediction results: 2-4

Against the spread: 3-3

But who will make our picks this week…it’s Tony Romo! Tony, welcome to the Coggin.

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Tony Romo blinks once for yes, confirms he may back for season opener
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Tony Romo looking to be in mid-season form.

Dallas, TX – Dallas Cowboys fans breathed a sigh of relief this morning when injured quarterback Tony Romo blinked once to confirm “yes”from his hospital room when a reporter asked if he could possibly be available on week one.

Romo, lying motionless in a hospital bed with a large intubation tube down his throat to assist him in breathing, answered questions from the media using the classic one blink for yes, two blinks for no system.

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Greg Hardy won’t stop winking at camera during ESPN interview

greg hardyBristol, Conn – A two-part interview with Greg Hardy on ESPN did not go particularly well for the embattled defensive end, as the young athlete blatantly winked at the camera numerous times during his discussion with ESPN’s Adam Schefter.

Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of last season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend Nicole Holden last year, perhaps agreed to the interview as a way to rehab his public image.

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