Brown noser.
Philadelphia, PA – As the Eagles continue their OTA workouts after the holiday weekend, several analysts are lauding rookie quarterback Carson Wentz for his ability to pick up head coach Doug Pederson’s offense quicker than either quarterbacks Sam Bradford or Chase Daniel.
However, Wentz will not be winning any popularity contests with his teammates anytime soon, as the young quarterback is reportedly ruffling the feathers of a number of veterans on the team.
Philadelphia, PA – Optimism ran high at the Eagles voluntary workouts Monday morning, as franchise quarterback Sam Bradford returned to the facility to practice with his teammates after missing a week of workouts when he demanded to be traded.
However, the high spirits were quickly diminished as Bradford didn’t speak to a single one of his teammates and turned his back on questions from head coach Doug Pederson about how he was doing.
Philadelphia, PA – Noting that he had nothing to do today and it being Cinco De Mayo, Sam Bradford reportedly imbibed a half bottle of Zima he found in the back of his pantry and “got a little wild” on the Americanized holiday.
The Eagles quarterback, who is not participating in voluntary workouts, was puttering around his Haddonfield home Thursday morning when he came upon the bottle of Zima as he was cleaning out his pantry.
Philadelphia, PA – The two autograph seekers who booed Carson Wentz after the draftee denied them an autograph as he was being hustled through the Philadelphia Airport criticized Wentz for his “lack of class” and “immaturity” that the two middle-aged men clearly possess.
Wishing to remain anonymous, the first pasty autograph seeker (who by all accounts is well into the middle of his life, but has enough free time in his life to drop everything to stalk an athlete in the Philadelphia airport) said Wentz “really needs to grow a thicker skin” if he’s going to make it in Philadelphia.
Philadelphia, PA – In a momentous twist of fate, the Philadelphia Eagles selected former MTV VJ and host of Last Call Carson Daly in a draft day snafu that…you know what? I don’t have the energy for this today.
I am so tired. So, so tired. So guess what, we’ll be taking a day off from our usually scheduled shenanigans and hilarity for some well earned beauty sleep.
It’s a shame too, because this article was going to be HILARIOUS. Think about it, the Eagles accidentally selecting CARSON DALY instead of CARSON WENTZ. They have the same first name! Can you imagine Carson Daly playing quarterback for the Eagles?!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!! OH MY GOD THAT IS TOO MUCH.
Oh my goodness, I need to calm down. Too much jocularity for one man to handle.
We’ll be back Monday with another post that hinges on one weak piece of wordplay or horrible pun, as per usual.
Award-winning journalist, Marcus Hayes.
Marcus Hayes, professional sweater, spewed forth his latest piece of drivel and gave us this beautiful column.
“Hayes: Great move for Eagles, if Carson Wentz is great.”
You do NOT have to click on that link to get the gist of what he’s saying. Read the headline. Did you do that? Boom, you just read the entire article (which is over 1,000 words of sweat-stained drivel).
The Coggin Toboggan 