BREAKING NEWS

Before leaving Philadelphia, Pope Francis cures Liberty Bell

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAPhiladelphia, PA – In what can only be described as a miracle, Pope Francis cured the Liberty Bell of its debilitating crack prior to leaving the city today.

“He passed Independence Hall and onlookers inside said the Liberty Bell no longer had its crack. Unbelievable,” Mayor Michael Nutter said Monday.

The bell apparently was cured of its crack after Pope Francis nodded and waved his hand towards the tourists who were looking at the tourist attraction Monday morning.

Francis declined to comment, but only winked and nodded to the reporters when they asked him about the apparent miracle.

(more…)

Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Snickers the Possum is now 0-2 on the year. We are starting to think that employing a living, anthropomorphic possum to pick the winner of professional football games might not have been the best idea. We regret to inform you, the reader, that if Snickers does not improve his performance in the next few weeks we will be forced to throw him into a wood chipper. Take it away Snickers, no pressure.

Thanks for that, I guess. If I had known this job would be so high pressure I would have stayed in my garbage can and not accepted the website’s offer of three moldy bananas per article. No delicious fruit is worth being thrown into a wood chipper, but I digress.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the dead squirrel I found in the middle of Lake Street was absolutely delicious and I’m an excellent football analyst!

(more…)

Monmouth University wideout will be tough matchup for Eagles Byron Maxwell

urmxATawWest Long Branch, NJ – The Eagles left the confines of the NovaCare Complex Wednesday night, forced out of Philadelphia by the papal visit, and traveled up the New Jersey Turnpike to practice at Monmouth University on Friday and Saturday.

While at the university, Chip Kelly noted the Eagles would likely give the Monmouth University Hawks a thrill and participate in a few live scrimmages with the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference squad.

Kelly said the Eagles were concerned about Junior wideout Darren Ambush (Dickerson, MD/Urbana), who recently put up seven receptions for 117 yards, a touchdown and 16 yards rushing against rival Wagner this past Saturday.

At this point in time, Kelly said Eagles corner Byron Maxwell would most likely struggle against Ambush in one on one coverage.

(more…)

Report: Sam Bradford does not deny freelancing, changing plays on offense
The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly has confirmed reports coming out of Sunday’s game against the Cowboys that Sam Bradford freelanced several of the play calls sent into his huddles.

“Sam went off script and blatantly disregarded several of the calls I made during the game. We’ll get it corrected going into next week against New York,” Kelly curtly said at a press conference Monday afternoon. He did not take anymore questions on the matter.

Bradford, however, was much more forthcoming about his “improv” during the game Sunday afternoon.

(more…)

Philadelphia Home Depots report “critical” rope shortage after weekend

ropePhiladelphia, PA – Representatives for the company confirmed today that Philadelphia Home Deports face a “critical” rope shortage in all of their citywide stores after customers purchased nearly all of the material around 8 p.m. last evening.

Security camera footage of the Home Depot on S. Christopher Columbus Boulevard showed a 50 customer deep line around 7:45 p.m. Sunday evening. The sunken eyed, pale customers each were holding about six to eight-feet of rope in the checkout line. None of them spoke and many of them were wearing Eagles jerseys and hats.

(more…)

Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week
Snickers the possum.

Snickers the possum.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the Johnson’s poodle got what it was coming to it when it was smooshed by a car and I’m an excellent football analyst!

Now, last week I was a little off in my prediction, but who would have thought Byron Maxwell would suddenly forget how to play football and take a metaphysical dump all over the Atlanta field.

I know it’s a bit of a shock, but even Snickers the Possum is wrong once in a while, but this week is a surefire lock for our hometown Philadelphia Eagles who are opening up Lincoln Financial Field against the hated Dallas Cowboys.

(more…)

Never change, Cowboys fans, never change
Poor little feller.

Poor little feller.

A few hours ago we posted an article entitled, DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road.’ Read it. It’s semi-amusing and was just an excuse for me to write something obnoxious and dirty (as always).

It’s fake, just like everything we write here, however.

One Cowboys fan, though, took the bait and took it hard, despite the masthead alerting our readers and any new visitors to the fact that everything on the site nonsense.

(more…)

DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road’

MurrayPhiladelphia, PA – After being asked about the upcoming game this Sunday at 4:25 p.m. versus the Dallas Cowboys, his first since leaving the team, DeMarco Murray finally opened up about what it would be like to face the team that decided to not offer him a lucrative contract in the off season.

“I know I’ve been saying it’s not a big deal all week, that it’s just another game, but that’s not really the case if I’m going to be true to myself. I’m tired of taking the high road,” Murray said today after training. “Fuck Jerry Jones and his liver spotted head. You sign Dez Bryant to a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract and he gets hurt in the first week. You two can go fuck each other. I can’t wait to stomp them into the ground. Fuck this shit, I’m going to crush every single one of those pieces of shit on Sunday. This one is going to hurt. I’m going to set that franchise back two decades.”

(more…)

Pope Francis cancels Philadelphia visit

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – Less than two weeks away from his highly anticipated visit to Philadelphia, representatives for Pope Francis have announced the leader of the Catholic world decided to abruptly cancel his visit.

The decision came Tuesday morning, Vatican representatives said, but a release to the press was not made available until today.

The release did not include a statement from the pope, but simply mentioned he “did not have the desire to visit Philadelphia any longer.”

However, the decision was made much more clear today, as Pope Francis made a public comment to the press from the Vatican.

(more…)

Steve Rannazzisi admits to lying about leading 76ers in scoring in 2001 season
Yuck.

Yuck.

Philadelphia, PA – Popular comedian and actor in the FX series, “The League,” Steve Rannazzisi admitted today that he lied about leading the Philadelphia 76ers in scoring during the 2001 season and winning the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award for that year.

When confronted with information that proved he was lying about the claim he made on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast three years ago, Rannazzisi posted a statement on social media claiming he made a “horrible mistake.”

“It was a foolish, horrible mistake. I was not on the Philadelphia 76ers roster that day, nor have I ever been a member of any NBA team. I don’t know why I said this. This was inexcusable. I am truly, truly sorry.”

(more…)