Flyers

Flyers lose to wives, 4-1

Philadelphia, PA – Coming off an emotional, 4-2 victory against division rival New York Rangers Saturday night, the Flyers again played down to an inferior opponent and lost to their wives 4-1 during the annual Flyers Wives Fight for Lives Carnival on Sunday, March 1.

Nicole Warnecke, longtime girlfriend of Jakub Voracek, scored two goals for the wives and girlfriends during the annual ice hockey game which concluded the annual carnival.

“It was great to get out there and skate with the boys, hopefully they’ll be able to recover from this loss though and lead the team into the playoffs,” Warnecke said. “Sure they lost out on 2 points today, but we were super proud of their effort and we know they’ll bounce back.”

Keshia Chante, Ray Emery’s longtime girlfriend from Chicago, outplayed Steve Mason and kept the wives in the game as the Flyers peppered her with shots all afternoon.

“What can I say. They gave us a great game and came out on top. It was a great opportunity to gain some ground on the Bruins and the Panthers for that final playoff spot and we just blew it. Hats off to the wives, they were just better than us today,” Claude Giroux said.

Hali MacDonald, wife of Andrew MacDonald, stifled Giroux and Voracek all afternoon with vicious back checking and hard nosed play. Her husband, Andrew, was scratched from the game.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers? (and the SNL 40th anniversary)

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! Can’t they just have one season where they’re good from start to finish? I’m sick of it! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, just pick one side and end it! I hate anyone who ever had a pony growing up!

But seriously, don’t get our hopes up and get to within a few points of the playoffs and then crap out, it’s just not fair to anyone. It would be as unfair as a black woman who tried out for our show in the 90s, they just stood no chance! Look to the cookie!

So either go for it, Hextall, or just trade away some talent so we can be good again in a few years. You can’t have it all. I told the same thing to Michael Richards about his standup career, but I think we all know what happened with that. What’s the deal with homework, you’re not working on your home?

So millions saw Larry and I on tv last this past Sunday for the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live. Larry was a writer for the show for two seasons from 1984 to 1985. When we first met he told me about a sketch he kept pitching to the cast that nobody would do. He suggested a cast member take out a bag of cocaine midway through the show and literally BLOW it up the ass of Lorne Michaels with a straw on camera. He said he got the idea from Stevie Nicks, who eroded her nose so badly with booger sugar she had to pay a roadie to use the straw trick before each Fleetwood Mac show from 1979 to 1983. The only cast member who toyed with the idea was Jon Lovitz, but every time David provided him with the cocaine he would disappear into a bathroom and do the entire eightball himself. They were some of the best shows he ever did.

Lorne never did forgive Lovitz for going along with Larry’s idea and arranged the RIP in memoriam gag last Sunday as a result. Fun fact, Lorne kept looking backstage for Charles Rocket, claiming he was the only one of us desperate enough to cut Lovitz’s brake lines for a few thousands bucks. Nobody had the heart to tell him Rocket died 10 years ago.

What’s the deal?!

Kimmo Timonen’s blood clots announce comeback

Philadelphia, PA – As Kimmo Timonen returned to the ice this past week to skate and possibly practice with the team, several blood clots in his right calf announced it was time to mount a comeback.

“We feel this is what’s best for us in terms of getting back out there and giving it all we’ve got. Really, I don’t feel like we can be stopped at this point and we’re going to make an incredible splash when all is said and done,” the gelatinous lump of platelets said.

Since Timonen has started to prep for a return to the ice, the clots knew they would have a bigger impact once the lights were at their brightest. Despite suffering what could be described as a final setback due to several combinations of medication, the clots are ready to come back to the forefront in Timonen’s life.

“Kimo really has shown a lot of heart through this entire endeavor, so we figured we’d show as much fight as he is and make one last run here,” the clot said. “Ironically, we’re going to his heart, so hopefully this will work out for everyone.”

As of press time, the clot was making slow, but steady, progress and was hoping to reach it’s final goal by the middle of next week.

Flyers sign Dan McCord to shore up goalie situation and avoid Sudden Death

My god look at the flexibility.

Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced Wednesday morning the Flyers have come to an agreement with free agent goalie Dan McCord, who last appeared in an NHL game in 1995 for the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Championship against the Chicago Blackhawks.

A Canadian-born firefighter, McCord appeared in one game in his career and faced exactly one shot, a clean breakaway save, before he initiated a bench clearing brawl and disappeared off the ice. As the media later found out, McCord was foiling a plot masterminded by ex-federal employee Joshua Foss, who threatened to blow up the Pittsburgh’s arena, the Igloo, if millions of dollars were not transferred into several offshore accounts of his choosing.

At the game with his son and daughter, McCord learned of the plot after his daughter was kidnapped by a terrorist disguised as the mascot of Penguins. He later disposed of the mascot during an all out brawl in the arena’s underground kitchen with a combination of Kung Fu and cunning.

“McCord is a hero, a real Canadian hero, and he also has the highest save percentage of any goalie to ever make an appearance in the 7th game of a Stanley Cup,” Hextall said. “Plus, did you hear about how he shoved a broken chicken bone into one of those thugs carotid arteries? Oh man, that is so awesome. Totally boss.”

McCord and his children.

While trying to hide from several of the terrorists, McCord entered the Penguins locker room where Pittsburgh goalie Tom Barrasso was suffering from a severe fever. McCord was able to strip Barrasso of his equipment and change into it to avoid detection, even making his way out to the Pittsburgh bench where he was promptly inserted into the game and made his fabulous save to preserve the game for the Penguins.

“That was more than enough to convince us that McCord was the right man for the job. Well, that, and also when he fashioned a homemade dart gun and hid it up his sleeve, using it to shoot a terrorist in the neck when he was in a tight jam. He is the best,” Hextall said.

McCord was scheduled to be at the Flyers morning practice, but was reportedly seen running into the basement of the Wells Fargo Center with a knapsack of plastic explosives and an AK47 strapped across his shoulders.

Dan McCord career stats:

Games played – 1

Save percentage – 100%

GAA – 0.00

Shots faced – 1

Terrorists foiled – 10+

Mascots kicked into a dishwasher and strangled – 1

Federal agents turned bad and set on fire – 1

Broken chicken bones shoved into necks – 1

Days saved – 1

The DVD cover of the documentary based on McCord’s exploits.

Eyewitnesses: Big Shot waiting outside WFC to kick someone’s ass

Big Shot, at the Spectrum in the early 90s. Was known mainly for scaring little children.

Wells Fargo Center – Puzzled Flyers fans are reporting that former Philadelphia 76ers mascot Big Shot has been seen walking around the Wells Fargo Center, trying to gain entry into the arena.

Big Shot has not been the mascot of the 76ers since the early 90s and hasn’t been seen in the area for over 20 years. Apparently, he’s outside of the WFC looking to kick someone’s ass.

The 76ers are not scheduled to play tonight. The Flyers are taking on the Winnipeg Jets at 7 p.m. at the WFC.

“I don’t know what he’s doing, or why he was here tonight, but I brought my son up to see him and he rebuffed us pretty good,” a shaken Tony Carchelleti told the CT. “He pushed my son down to the ground and continued to try and charge into the arena at each exit, only to be stopped by security each time.”

The usually jovial mascot was seen stomping up and down the WFC outdoors concourse, making obscene gestures to the building and remaining silent at all times.

At one point, an anonymous emailer said they saw Big Shot brandish a knife to someone inside the building, making exaggerated slashing motions to his throat.

“I don’t know what he’s doing here, but he is pissed off at something. What is going through that bastards purple head?” said Edward Cucholochio, head of security at the WFC. “All I know is if he gets in here I might have to order my guys to give him a bit of a wood shampoo with their billy clubs, if you know what I mean.”

The CT will update this story as soon as more information is available.

Giroux barely keeping straight face while discussing Rinaldo suspension

Zac Rinaldo, moments before probably being suspended.

Philadelphia, PA – Claude Giroux valiantly tried to suppress several giggles at a press conference yesterday to discuss the eight-game suspension of teammate Zac Rinaldo.

“Yeah, it’s umm…umm….it’s going to be really tough….oh god guys give me a few seconds here,” Giroux said, trying not to break down in fits of laughter as he tried to form a coherent response. “Woo….just have to get through this. Why are we even talking about this? I mean, how are we EVER going to get by without Zac? I mean, 4 points and a -7 in 36 games this season, yeah, who is going to be able to put up those numbers.”

Giroux audibly chortled several times during his address to the press, his face turning beet red during several moments as he tried to stop from laughing.

Giroux finally couldn’t contain himself and laughed for three-minutes straight after Sam Charchidi asked him if any of the younger players on the team would be able to fill Rinaldo’s shoes for eight games.

“I think Frank Bialowas could strap on skates at this point and at least hover around a -7, and I heard he couldn’t even skate backwards,” Giroux said, punctuating his response by flipping off Charchidi for 25 uninterrupted seconds.

The last time Giroux had such a difficult time getting through a press conference was when Randy Miller asked him if he thought Dan Carcillo was the “heart and soul” of the 2009 roster.

BREAKING: Mike Richards waived by LA Kings, Holmgren physically restrained

Holmgren, no doubt thinking of adding a 12th year to another high-priced contract.

Philadelphia, PA – Two-time Stanley Cup Champion Michael Richards was waived this afternoon by the LA Kings, which resulted in full-blown panic in the offices of the Wells Fargo Center.

“Oh god, oh god has anyone seen Paul? His checkbook isn’t in his desk and his cellphone is gone, we have to find him before he makes a huge mistake,” Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall reportedly yelled, as he tore through the stadium to try and find the current Flyers president.

Employees were on high alert with the news this morning. A longstanding rule is in effect for employees to find, restrain and detain former Flyers GM and now president Paul Holmgren whenever high priced, declining stars are released from their teams.

Disaster almost struck last year when an employee found Holmgren negotiating a $20 million, five-year deal with former Flyer John Leclair.

Richards, wondering if Holmgren will add the 12th year to his new deal.

Paul Holmgren signed then captain Richards to a 12 year, $69 million contract in 2008. Three years into the deal and an overall decline in production, Richards was traded to the LA Kings for Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn and a second round draft pick.

Richards went on to win two Stanley Cup championships with the Kings, despite never reclaiming his top-level play.

Hextall reportedly found Holmgren being restrained by several members of the Flyers ice-team, who had smashed his Blueberry and had confiscated his check book.

“He was fervently trying to dial up Richards when we found him, thank goodness we got here in time,” Hextall said.

Hextall thanked the employees and reminded them to keep an eye on the waiver wire if/when Ilya Byzgalov is release by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! (and Rob Konrad)

What’s the deal, Philadelphia Flyers?! You have the top two scorers in the league, yet you’re floundering around in your division worse than Rob Konrad in the Atlantic Ocean! If Bobby Clarke were still the GM, you know he would have traded Claude Giroux for Martin Brodeur and Al MacInnis by now to “change the attitude” of the team.

But what is the deal with this Rob Konrad guy? Sure, you allegedly “fell” off your boat trying to reel in a fish, just like Michael Richards said he allegedly told those people in the comedy club they had “chiggers” in their hair. It just doesn’t add up! One jellyfish sting and you would have sank to the bottom of the ocean, something’s not right here!

Does anyone believe this story?! What’s the deal?! 17 miles in the ocean and you’re able to swim to shore with just a mild case of hypothermia? That’s like Jason Alexander snorting an 8-ball of coke and arriving at the hospital with just a mild case of brain damage, it just doesn’t add up. What’s the deal?!

Come on Flyers, try to string together a few wins before one of your defensemen or goalies get hurt again. What’s the deal with these fragile professional athletes getting hurt every two seconds?! Steve Mason kicks his leg out for a save one minute, and the next he’s flopping around on the ice like a clubbed baby seal.

The Rob Konrad story reminds me of a Seinfeld episode Larry David pitched me once that never saw the light of day. It was going to center around myself, Elaine, Kramer and George enjoying a cruise from Long Island to the Bahamas, until Kramer convinced the captain to let him guide the ship into port because he had a better route and ran us all aground on a coral reef. Well, 2,000 souls perished in the episode, including George, and just left the remaining three on a life raft with the bloated corpse of Costanza to keep us company.

I kept telling him that we couldn’t kill off a main character, but he told me it wouldn’t be retconned. I still don’t know what that means.

David never did finish the script, though he did allude to Elaine buckling first and succumbing to cannibalism. He wrote a harrowing scene of her doing little kicks in a life raft, eating George’s detached foot with blood running down her face…It was a bit of a downer on second thought, but still would have been better than the finale.