Bryan Colangelo

76ers announce they will draft and stash every active member of roster

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Following a productive 2016 NBA draft, but citing that they are still not within striking distance of competing for a title, 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo announced the organization would draft and stash every single member of the active roster for 2016-2017.

“It just makes sense. Are we going to win a title next year? No we’re not. So why not get these guys some experience and see what we can do in 2017-2018,” Colangelo said.

He said the 76ers will stash Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, Robert Covington, Elton Brand, Jerami Grant, Kendall Marshall, JP Tokoto, Carl Landry, Richaun Holmes, Christian Wood, Ben Simmons, Timothe Luwawu and Furkan Korkmaz in the darkest, most desolate points throughout the globe, away from the prying eyes of media and fans.

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Bryan Colangelo proclaims ‘The Process’ to be over, ‘The Procedure’ alive and well

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – New 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo has officially proclaimed Sam Hinkie’s much maligned “Process” is now over and the franchise is ready to move on to the next chapter.

Colangleo then debuted “The Procedure,” a new plan to move the 76ers into the 21st century and into a new golden era of basketball that will see the city revel in carnal delights only few mortals have ever set out to obtain.

The Procedure, he explained, would bestow enlightenment, an all-knowing aura and elite rebounding abilities to only the truest believers in the organization.

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Bryan Colangelo trades #1 pick for sack of magic beans

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.

Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.

Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.

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Sam Hinkie releases statement after 76ers receive #1 pick
sam

God damnit

God damnit, mother fucking piece of shit. Eat shit, eat shit and die all of you, you fucking pieces of garbage. Fucking cunt licking, smelly asshole, no good mother fuckers that wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit you in your 2-inch dick.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN MY ASS.

Crap on a cracker, cum on a cracker, cum and crap on a cracker shoved into those Colangelo fruitcake’s mouths. Incest ridden shit fuck of a family, run me out of town, you fuckwads. Fucking fuck fuck fuck me with a stick.

I hope everyone in that franchise dies a horrible, horrible death. Steamroller accidents, immolation from molten lead, tragic welding mishaps….the more painful and horrific for your families to endure the better.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt needle in your eyes shitdick mother fucking dick up your ass the Colangelo’s can suck my two-foot dick.

Hinkster out, bitches.

Jerry Colangelo will not attend draft lottery if “it goes to all hours of the night”

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers Jerry Colangelo told reporters this morning he would not be in attendance at the upcoming draft lottery if it “went to all hours of the night.”

The lottery selection is slated for Tuesday, May 17 at 8:45 p.m. eastern time.

Colangelo expressed his displeasure that the lottery selection event would begin at “such an ungodly hour” and he has usually adorned his night robe and night cap by that time each night.

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Bryan Colangelo admits to ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ inspired scheme to gain GM position
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Bryan Colangelo (left), Jerry Colangelo (center) and Larry (right).

Philadelphia, PA – Just two days into his position as GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, Bryan Colangelo was forced to call a hasty press conference and admit to a months long scheme he employed after watching the 1980s comedy “Weekend at Bernie’s” last December.

Colangelo admitted that his father, Jerry, has been deceased during his entire employment with the 76ers. Jerry Colangelo was hired by the 76ers in mid-December as a special Chairman of Basketball Operations for the organization.

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Jerry Colangelo assures organization his precious son will be perfect as GM
bryanjerry

Look at these idiots.

Philadelphia, PA – A beaming Jerry Colangelo introduced his son, Bryan, the apple of his eye, his precious bundle of joy, the fruit of his loins, as the next 76ers general manager, taking over for the icky Sam Hinkie.

Gently rubbing his son’s shoulder as Bryan enjoyed an ice cream, Jerry said it was every father’s dream to oust a hard working employee from a position of power and to then fill it with their wildly under qualified and inept boy.

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