boston celtics

If you’re jumping ship now, you’re WEAK

Are you guys kidding me? Are we really doing this after ONE game? The 76ers have one of their best seasons in years, a core of young stars and grizzled veterans cobble together a 52 win season when most of us had them going .500 and we’re ready to jump ship after ONE loss?

If you’re nervous, you’re weak. Get over it.

Here’s what I’ve heard within 12 hours of the 76ers loss.

  • The 76ers need to hire Erik Spoelstra/Tom Thibodeau/Gregg Popovich as their head coach next season. How are they going to do this, exactly, when they’re all under contract? Put a burlap sack over their head and shanghai them to Philadelphia?
  • Trade next year’s first round pick, Fultz, Covington, and Saric for Kawhi Leonard. Great idea! Let’s give up a king’s ransom for the one player in the history of the NBA that hated playing for Gregg Popovich and faked an injury all year to get off the team. Sounds like the perfect fit for this roster.
  • Complete outrage at the fact that Markelle Fultz didn’t get garbage time minutes in the loss last night. THIS PROVES BRETT BROWN THINKS HE’S MENTALLY WEAK. This is a lost year for Fultz, people, if he’s still mentally blocked next year we can push the panic button.

If you thought any of these three things last night, I weep for you. Have you people learned NOTHING from the past several months? It’s a new era in Philadelphia, we shouldn’t only derive joy from the negative anymore. This is a goddamn city of champions now, so why are wailing and gnashing our teeth after one bad loss to a Celtics team that shot the goddamn lights out?

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We saw a sublime talent, destined to be one of the greats, debut for the 76ers last night

joel-embiid-shirley-templesIf you watched the 76ers kick off their 2016-2017 season in Boston last night, decades from now you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that you saw one of the greatest Sixers to ever put on the uniform suit up for the first time in his long and successful career.

The energy was insane leading up to this game. Can anyone remember another time that this city got so pumped up for a 76ers preseason game? How about even a regular season game? It didn’t come close.

Twitter was bumping. The Hinkie-ites were out in full force, puffing out their chests, saying “look at what our fallen leader has done for you. Be thankful, Philadelphia.” Even the national media was paying attention, keeping at least one eye on the 76ers during opening night of the MLB postseason.

It was all because of one man. The man who so many have already labeled a savior of the organization despite only playing sparse minutes in one preseason game.

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Isaiah Canaan expresses unfounded concerns to friends that he could be traded on draft night

hi-res-7dca3ac617c4e91020e67e8201c97e90_crop_northPhiladelphia, PA – Isaiah Canaan, veteran shooting guard for the Philadelphia 76ers, has told close friends and relatives that he is concerned the organization may try to trade him on draft night to gain another top-five pick.

Canaan has expressed anxiety to his closest group of confidants that the 76ers would decide to focus on the future and not want to win now, forcing their hand to trade the shooting guard to either Boston for the third overall pick or Phoenix for the fourth pick.

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Special Guest Column: Bill Simmons

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up next, Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy. 

23simmonsweb-master675Hey guys. I woke up this morning thinking about the Boston Celtics. Now, hear me out, I know I usually don’t write about Boston sports, but this will have a point, believe me.

I fell asleep last night watching Hoosiers while sobbing quietly into my pillow as I thought back to the Patriots playoff loss against Denver (Tom Brady is the GOAT, just like Billy Zabka in the Karate Kid and Back to School), and in between threats of divorce from my wife I realized I royally screwed up.

I realized I screwed up more than the horrendous decision to cast Jimmy Fallon in “Fever Pitch” (could have been a top tier movie if they had cast my boy Ben Affleck, the guy can at least do a Boston accent).

You know how I screwed up? Well, I’m trying to get my site off the ground and I opened up an old email and was shocked. I was more shocked than when Mickey died in Rocky III (Rocky V never happened), and if you know me, that means I was truly shocked to my core.

I saw an email from a buddy of mine who forwarded me an article from some website called “The Coggin Toboggan” where their editor offered me a job when Grantland got shut down. 

No big deal, right? WRONG. I started to read some of the site and I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

The site was hilarious. Funnier than my buddy J-Sock after one of our fantasy football drafts.

And when I emailed them, begging for an opportunity? They told me I could write this guest column and would possibly let me write more in the future, but the offer had been rescinded.

Biggest mistake of my life. I knew, at that moment, that I was a born loser. Just like my beloved Boston Celtics (remember them? I mentioned them at the top of this column and now I’m loosely trying to connect a weak theme throughout the article. It’s one of my trademarks) I’m a born loser.

White Shadow White Shadow White Shadow, Back to School and Caddyshack, New England Patriots and gambling. Vegas baby!

So yeah, go to my new website, The Ringer, but just realize that I wish I was writing for the Coggin Toboggan instead of running that piece of garbage.

Go Red Sox!

Report: Boston Celtics asked “moon and the stars” for Jahlil Okafor

lee_ainge2_sptsPhiladelphia, PA – Boston Celtics president Danny Ainge confirmed over the weekend that he participated in discussions with 76ers GM Sam Hinkie that would have brought Jahlil Okafor to Boston.

Ainge, however, said the 76ers asked for the “moon and the stars” in return for the young, promising center.

“They wanted no draft picks, no players, Sam asked for something much different. All Sam asked in return for Jahlil was a poem that he said ‘would fill his cold heart with the human spirit’ and make him feel the ‘warmth of the human spirit’ in a harsh world,” Ainge said.

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