Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.
Chip Kelly and company inked both Demarco Murray and Ryan Mathews to substantial contracts for the upcoming seasons. Sure, we know what they can do on the field, but what about the men behind the facemasks?
The CT has collected a detailed look on both Murray and Mathews. Here are several facts that you may not know about the two newest Philadelphia Eagles.
A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.
Philadelphia, PA – Demarco Murray landed in Philadelphia this morning and the spurned running back signed with the Eagles for a “song and a kiss.”
Describing himself as “extremely vulnerable,” Murray said he was disappointed that the Cowboys cast him aside and just wanted to have the “sweet caress of a song run through my ears.”
“I want no money. I have more money than any man could ever spend in a lifetime,” Murray said, taking off a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses to show his saddened eyes. “But what about a man’s soul? To receive something that touches upon a man’s inner being is worth more than all the gold and bullion in the world.”
Upon signing his contract, Chip Kelly tenderly kissed Murray on top of his forehead and launched into a stunning aria of “Ave Maria.” The music flowed lovingly from the head coach’s lips, bringing the elite athlete to tears.
“Paid in full, Mr. Kelly, paid in full,” Murray said, sobbing as he collapsed in Chip’s arms.
It’s not yet known how the contract will effect the Eagles cap space moving forward.
BREAKING:
The CT has received a recording of Kelly’s aria here.
Dez loves to waterski. And he loves blimps. Who knew?
When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.
Yesterday, we posted a video to the Toboggan that we purchased for a substantial sum of money that was reportedly the nefarious Dez Bryant video the media has been going crazy over for the past week. We couldn’t tell if it was fake, we couldn’t tell if it was true, so we left it up to our readers to decide.
Will Dez Bryant’s career ever be resurrected following the release of this controversial, disgusting footage?
Earlier today, the Coggin Toboggan was able to purchase the Dez Bryant video that has been teased to the media for the past several days. It was a major coup for our small, fledgling blog, but we believe it will thrust us onto the same stage as Deadspin and ESPN.
After hours of intense negotiation with shady, back alley channels, we purchased the infamous video for a hefty sum.
The video is embedded below.
With all of the rumors floating around the internet about this particular video, the CT editor in chief decided it was imperative to jump on the opportunity to purchase what could be a seminal video in 2015.
Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.
The Coggin Toboggan 