Los Angeles Dodgers

Josh Innes brilliantly breaks down Jimmy Rollins’ statements, farts long, hard into microphone

20150201-Tony-Bruno-John-InnessPhiladelphia, PA – 94 WIP sports talk host Josh Innes took to the airwaves yesterday to discuss the recent statements of Jimmy Rollins, former Philadelphia Phillies. Innes calmly and eloquently broke down Rollins’ statements about Philadelphia not appreciating the dynamic he had with the fans, presenting a rationale argument for each of his talking points.

“He was never a superstar. He was a great player, but never a superstar, and it just shows you where his head is at if he’s describing himself as such,” Innes said. “It’s absurd for him to make these statements about his prowess as a player, but he does raise some valid points about the people of Philadelphia possibly holding him to a higher standard than other players on those great teams, like Chase Utley or Ryan Howard.”

Innes then lowered his microphone to his buttocks and flatulated into the live mic for 15 seconds.

“It seems as if he’s directly comparing himself to Chase Utley. He may be jealous of the attention and free pass Utley has gotten from fans for all these years. Can you really blame him?” Innes said, before bending over and sticking the microphone between his legs to let out several small, machine gun blasts of flatulence.

Bruno nodded along in agreement with Innes, and punctuated the end of the segment with a few quick sprays of Febreeze throughout the studio.

“Well, tomorrow on the show we’ll have former United States Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on with us. She’ll be discussing the state of pro football with us, she’s a huge fan, Tony, and she’ll be sharing her thoughts with us on the turmoil in the Middle East,” he said. “Plus, we’ll have 5 strippers in here from Club Risque and we’ll be playing a round of our patented game, Bologna tits. 10 slices, 10 breasts, 10 throws. Should be a great show.”

Deeply reflective Cole Hamels: I won’t win with the Phillies, nor with this blight upon my soul

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Cole Hamels, perhaps reflecting on the teachings of Proust.

Clearwater, Fla – Showing a side of himself to the media few have seen, the quiet spoken Cole Hamels opened up about the upcoming season, his chances of staying with the Phillies, and the darkness residing in every man’s soul, born or dead.

Casting his eyes skyward, Hamels sighed deeply as he sat down on the pitchers mound at the Phillies spring training complex with a book of Nietzsche in his lap. He lectured the throng of reporters surrounding him in a pained voice, his once youthful and energetic face a scrunched mask of torment and anguish. It was almost as if he had looked into the abyss, seen it looking back at him, and realized the insignificance of his existence.

“What does anything really mean. What is winning in the grand scheme of life? I’ll make some more money if I leave, more than I could ever possibly spend, but where does that leave me at the end of my life? How am I any different from the pauper when we both perish? We both become dust, two more empty husks to wither away into the ether.”

For nearly three hours Hamels touched upon the afterlife, what it means to be a human being, the dual nature hiding within every man, woman, and child, and the lack of depth in the Phillies bullpen.

When asked by David Murphy on what Phillies fan should hope for in the upcoming season, Hamels looked up at the beat reporter and wept, openly and deeply.

“Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man,” he said, quoting the German philosopher.

Hamels then said he would approve a trade to either the Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres, or to the Pashupatinath Temple in Nepal to live out the rest of his meager existence in seclusion and deep reflection.