The year is 2035. A picture of the unopened box containing Terrell Owens’ NFL Hall of Fame gold jacket has just received its 500,000th retweet. Owens has exercised his 10-day clause with the Toronto Argonauts. Zombies now have Senate majority. 

Terrell Owens hasn’t played in the NFL since 2010. He’s been out of Philadelphia for 13 years. One of the top three wide receivers to ever play in the NFL was just elected to the Hall of Fame, and yet we’re all greeted with this news yesterday.

(How many idiots saw this news and called into the Fanatic or WIP yesterday and said the Eagles should give him a shot?)

Oh my GOD. Enough. Enough Terrell, you’re killing us. In the words of Jud Crandall from Pet Semetary, “Sometimes, dead is better.”

It’s time to stay buried, T.O. Go to your ceremony this week, get your jacket, don’t say a word at the podium, and live the rest of your life. Pretty please with popcorn on top.

I love TO. LOVE HIM (and not just because he follows the Coggin on twitter). He is easily the best wide receiver I’ve ever seen in a Philadelphia Eagles uniform. His 2004 season was transcendent and he proved to be everything as advertised…a phenomenal, game changing talent, with a me-first attitude that would eventually destroy a locker room and run him out of town.

It happened in San Francisco. It happened in Philadelphia. It happened in Dallas. It will happen in Edmonton. Did it happen in Buffalo or Cincinnati? I don’t remember, who cares, they don’t count anyways. Just a sad couple stops at the end of a glorious NFL career.

Yet every year….every single year TO gaslights us into thinking he’s the victim. He’s not attending this year’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony because, and this is according to him, he’s doing it for guys like Jerry Kramer who had to wait 45-years to get into the Hall.

See? It’s not about him, it’s about Jerry! And all those other guys who had to wait oh so long to get into the hall, just like Terrell Owens, who had to wait three agonizing years to get in. Three years, 45 years, what’s the difference?

He didn’t want to take the spotlight off of guys like Jerry, so he will quietly accept his jacket and not attend the induction ceremony. Yes, he’ll quietly accept it at his own induction ceremony at the University of Tennessee-Chattanooga where he’ll be giving his own speech at a ceremony just for him in front of thousands of his fans.

But don’t worry, he got his fellow inductees personalized shoes to commemorate the occasion.

Ok, those Dawkins shoes are pretty sweet. Maybe he’s changed, not thinking about himself for once in his career…maybe the NFL is wrong with this silly decision to not mention him at all during the ceremon- GAH…he’s doing it to me now. No. NO. You’re not doing this to me, T.O.

Just take the stupid jacket. Stay off social media. Don’t go to Canada. Be content and assured in your place in NFL history as one of the greatest wide receivers to ever play the game.

The year is 2025. Terrell Owens tweets derogatory message to the Coggin Toboggan after wrapping up another season in the NFL and topping 1,000 yards receiving at the age of 51. Coggin Toboggan CEO quietly logs off twitter amidst thousands of notifications calling him a jackass.

Forget about T.O., Philadelphia. We have a first place baseball team. Buy their shirts, not T.O.’s.