This Sunday, the WWE is hosting its annual Survivor Series PPV, which pits teams of five wrestlers against each other in an elimination match to see which team is the ultimate “survivor.”
This year, due to the WWE’s brand split, teams of Raw wrestlers will be pitted against teams of Smackdown wrestlers at the PPV. Sound nerdy? You bet it. Sound pointless? Oh my yes.
But it got us thinking at the Toboggan….who would win a Survivor Series type match between on-air personalities of the two sports talk radio stations in Philadelphia? NO LOVE LOST BETWEEN THEM, GANG.
This is what we do here at the Toboggan…waste hours of our time thinking of participant entrance songs, trademark maneuvers and alliances for imaginary wrestling events between two radio stations.
On an unrelated note, could anyone suggest a good divorce lawyer?
So here it is. We’ve identified the two teams (each consisting of four participants) and how we think the match would go down. Also, in true WWE Survivor Series fashion, the participants in the match are not necessarily the top performers at either station (though a few familiar faces will be seen).
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2016 Philadelphia Sports Talk Survivor Series.
UP FIRST, TEAM 94 WIP
1) Jon Ritchie (Entrance theme: Hail to the Chief)
Jon Ritchie! Former Eagles fullback, failed state senator candidate and now a member of the newest midday show at 94 WIP. He’s got a lot to prove out there and will likely be bleeding before he steps foot in the ring. (escorted to the ring by co-host Joe DeCamera)
Trademark maneuver: Flying headbutt from the top rope.
2) Brian Haddad aka Sludge (Entrance theme: Shimmy Shimmy Ya by ODB)
Good god, it’s Brian Haddad! Look at those sideburns, reminiscent of a young Honky Tonk Man. He’s even got HTM’s trademark lip curl.
Trademark maneuver: Guitar smash to the head.
3) Chris Carlin (Entrance theme: New York, New York)
Chris Carlin! The newest member of the afternoon drive show on 94 WIP, comes from the mysterious land of New York City. Will the hired goon keep his loyalties to WIP, or will he go wherever the money is best? What type of carnauba wax does he use on his head? So many questions. Typical New York schyster.
Trademark Maneuver: Doomsday Device off the Statue of Liberty.
4) Ike Reese (Entrance theme: Feel the Pain by Dinosaur Jr. (get it?))
Ike Reese! Carlin’s co-host on the afternoon drive show and nonbeliever of the existence of dinosaurs for some reason. Ike, how do you think the bones got in the ground? Did people just put them there to trick you? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? God damnit, that infuriates me.
Trademark Maneuver: Alabama Slam (get it?)
UP NEXT, TEAM 97.5
1) Anthony Gargano (Entrance Theme: Funiculi Funicula)
Anthony Gargano! Ehhhhhh a real a paisan and a renowned lover of incredible meats! Can’t wait to get to the ring and enjoy a sit down meal of some meatballs swimming in gravy, just like a mama used to make. What are we, animale? Bring out the red wine you stupid fanagootch before I bust you in your labanza.
Trademark maneuver: Garotte from behind.
2) Brian Baldinger (Entrance theme: Autumn Thunder)
Brian Baldinger! Oh my god look at that finger, I think I’m going to be sick. I can’t look away, it’s going to make me blind but I just can’t look away. Jesus Christ, forget about CTE, this is the real danger of football right there, deformed fingers. EWWWWWW.
Trademark maneuver: The Mandible Claw with his disgusting finger.
3) Jason Myrtetus (Loser by Three Doors Down)
Jason Myrtetus! Lover of keeping things real and being too cool to vote. Frankly, just wanted to include him because the entrance theme is just spot on and I couldn’t bear to include Mike Missanelli in another one of these posts. Jason, you’re a tool. ENJOY THE BLOCK, PERVERT.
Trademark Maneuver: Sleeper hold (he puts the audience to sleep)
4) Dwayne from Swedesboro (Entrance theme: Twilight Zone theme)
Dwayne from Swedesboro! Frequent caller to the Mike Missanelli show. Hasn’t called into the station in a few months, but I’m sure it’s nothing big. He’s 100% real and 100% not a racist figment of Jason Myrtetus’s imagination. Any and all hate mail for Dwayne should please be forward to Myrtetus, thank you.
Trademark Maneuver: He’s just a figment of your imagination….WHAT A TWIST OF FATE!
- The entrants make their way out to the ring, but the 97.5 fanatic teammates nervously look at each other as Dwayne from Swedesboro effectively no shows the event, leaving them at a 3 to 4 disadvantage.
- Myrtetus and Ritchie start off the match, squaring off against each other. Ritchie is already bleeding profusely from several cuts to the forehead that he sustained from his entrance to the event. Ritchie dominates early on, delivering a massive powerbomb into the turnbuckles, crumpling Myrtetus into a heap. He slaps on a Sharpshooter, but begins to get woozy from severe blood loss and topples over. Taking advantage, Myrtetus quickly rolls him over for the pin, using his feet on the ring ropes for leverage behind the ref’s back to eliminate Ritchie.
- While Myrtetus is busy preening and lecturing the crowd on why it’s his constitutional right NOT to vote, Reese takes advantage and delivers a running clothesline into the back of Myrtetus’s bald skull. The little weasel is tossed out of the ring with ease and refused to come back in, crying softly to himself as he walks backstage and gets counted out for the elimination.
- Gargano storms the ring and quickly overpowers Reese with his pungent odor and Mediterranean based strength. While the ref’s back is turned, Gargano removes a 2-foot long tube of salami from his wrestling trunks and bashes Reese over the head with it. He takes out a thin piece of wire from his boots and quickly wraps it around Reese’s neck, choking him out for another elimination. The Fanatic has suddenly evened up the score.
- Carlin enters and dances throughout the ring, evading Gargano and severely winding the Italian, who tags in Baldinger so he can take a quick lasagna break. Seeing Baldinger’s deformed finger, Carlin dry heaves uncontrollably while the retired athlete shoves the pinky down his throat, making him tap out.
- Haddad slowly enters before he is swarmed by both Gargano and Carlin, who begin double teaming the side burned beauty with their trademark double-power bomb. Gargano goes in for the pin, but pulls Haddad’s shoulder up off the mat, refusing to let him get off so easily. Haddad low blows Gargano and delivers a vicious hurricanrana to Baldinger, sending him out of the ring to the floor. Before he can gain the upper hand, the arena lights turn out….
OH GOOD GOD, IT’S JOSH INNES’S MUSIC! (Entrance theme: Heart of Glass by Blondie)
Oh my god, it’s Innes! Innes is here, tonight, months after being fired by 94 WIP for perceived racist statements he made on air. My god, what is he doing here?! Before alliances can be realized, Innes double chokeslams both Gargano and Baldinger through the Spanish announcers table, leaving both unable to compete. He climbs into the ring and extends a hand to a dubious Haddad, a former ally of Innes, before he graciously accepts the handshake. Innes bring in Haddad for a hug but kicks him in the crotch and performs a gut-wrench power bomb on his former station buddy, standing tall as the lights go out on the first ever 94 WIP and 97.5 Fanatic Survivor Series. My god, what a finish!