Oh my god we are SO very much back.

It’s been FOUR long years since the last All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. We survived a pandemic, a Donald Trump presidency (though, ya know, that might change later this year), dozens upon dozens of 76ers second round exits, and two horrifically shitty championship ventures that we’re STILL trying to get over.

The last time we did this was 2020. Nobody had any idea what COVID-19 was yet, Ben Simmons still had a working spine, and we were all looking forward to the innovative ideas Joe Girardi would be bringing to the Phillies.

It’s been four years of garbage since. We’re wallowing through a horrendous Eagles collapse, the Phillies blew the NLCS against a pitiful Diamondbacks teams, the 76ers are still a piece away, and the Flyers are the Flyers. Nobody cares about the Flyers.

So it’s time. It’s time to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, look to the future, and absolutely bust Howard Eskin open with a steel chair.

Ladies and gentlemen, the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble is BACK.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes in an all-out, every man or woman for themselves brawl. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

Our event, of course, features far less athletic and far, FAR LESS famous contestants that are flimsily connected to Philadelphia in the thinnest ways possible. IT’S A REAL HOOT.

As is tradition, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble right before WWE’s event, completely overshadowing the real deal with our complete lack of morals, our utter depravity, and absolute disregard for human life and well being. We’ve caused more CTE than a 1980s Biggest NFL Hits VHS compilation.

We’ve invited 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging Philadelphians to bash each others brains in for minimal glory, absolutely no prize money, and a dark spot on their careers they’ll never be able to erase.

As you undoubtedly recall, the last time we held this event within the city limits the indomitable Paul Jolovitz captured the elusive All Philadelphia Royal Rumble belt after he sent Carson Wentz over the top rope for the final elimination.

Will Jolly enter himself again? Who will surprise us with an appearance this year? All I can say is 30 of the most ruthless competitors we’ve ever seen have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song, and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2024 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

The Venue

The Wells Fargo Center! For the third time, the fine people at the Center have allowed the Coggin Toboggan to host its annual embarrassment of an event within its cozy confines. Unwanted pregnancies, lines of coke railed in the bathroom, and venereal diseases have all been in a massive decline at the Wells Fargo Center since the last All Philadelphia Royal Rumble. Let’s see if we can reverse those trends all in one debauchery riddled day and get back to what makes Philadelphia great again.

The 2020 event featured 673 stitches, 33 gallons of blood mopped up in the lower concourse, and at least 15 attempts to sexually assault Gritty…and that was all just in the women’s restroom 25 minutes after we opened the doors.

The Belt

Behold! The Coggin Toboggan belt! Revel in its glory and thank god that such beauty graces us in this world. Paul Jolovitz immediately threw the belt into the Delaware River after we bestowed it upon him in 2020. It was recovered by a homeless magnet fisherman a few months ago. It’s fine, it’s fine, we got it back after throwing a baggie of black tar heroin into oncoming traffic on 95.

We’ll clean it with some Clorox wipes before giving it to the winner. It’s still a little rusty around the edges and may have tested positive for COVID-19, but it’s fine, we promise.

Nobody tell poor David Coggin we’re still using his likeness on the world’s dumbest championship belt. We love you David!

The Competitors

Anthony Gargano (Entrance Theme: Tarantella Napoletana)

Mama mia! Everyone’s favorite 97.5 FM the Fanatic turncoat, it’s Anthony Gargano! Last seen skulking around the PHLY offices in the city begging for some air time, Gargano is reportedly looking to take out his recent career frustrations on the poor, unwitting fools that dare oppose him (and a lot of calzones from Bredenbeck Bakery in Chestnut Hill….they’re the best, madone!)

Trademark Maneuver: Spitting hot pizza grease into the eyes of his opponents

Big Dom (Entrance Theme: Funiculi Funicula)

It’s Big Dom! The lovable Italian oaf of a security guard for the Philadelphia Eagles really thrust himself into the limelight this year after getting into an “altercation” with Deebo Samuel on the sidelines during the 49ers trip to the Linc. I’m sure he had to convince a few uncles to not “take care” of Deebo after the game, if you know what I mean. HEY MA, WE GOT ANY MORE GABAGOOL?!

Trademark Maneuver: Completely derailing a promising season by trying to fight an opposing player

Daryl Morey (Entrance Theme: Some Hipster Doofus horseshit from Neutral Milk Hotel)

Daryl Morey! The goofy GM of the 76ers that can definitely name every album from Tame Impala, Morey is hoping that a victory at the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble will make the 76ers a destination spot for high priced free agents this offseason and finally convince Michael Rubin that he’s cool. Those White Party invitations are hard to come by.

Trademark Maneuver: It’s really obscure, you’ve probably never heard of it.

Nick Nurse (Entrance Theme: Silver Lining by Mt. Joy)

Nick Nurse! Everyone’s favorite head coach of the 76ers. Just as much of a hipster doofus as his boss, Daryl Morey, but not trying as hard to impress everyone. Sure, he knows every single released by War on Drugs since 2010, but he’s not going to make you feel like a loser if you only like the hits. He’s a real mensch!

Trademark Maneuver: Actually drawing up plays in a timeout

The Colangelos (Entrance Theme: Chain of Fools by Aretha Franklin)

These two again?! They haven’t shown their faces in this city since their horrific failure at the last Royal Rumble?! What a pair of complete losers! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Trademark Maneuver: Setting hopeful NBA franchises back decades due to their own ineptitude

Joel Embiid (Entrance Theme: Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads)

Joel Embiid! Last we saw him he was trampling hundreds of drunken revelers at the Wells Fargo Center after eliminating some of the toughest competition the 2020 Royal Rumble had ever seen! Despite last year’s MVP and his even better 2023 season, Embiid has gone quite MAD over the years and can be spotted terrorizing all those who have wronged him over his career. WE SPENT EIGHT YEARS TRYING TO REACH HIM AND ANOTHER SEVEN YEARS TRYING TO LOCK HIM UP. THERE’S NOTHING BEHIND THOSE EYES OTHER THAN EVIL….AND AN ELITE MIDRANGE GAME.

Trademark Maneuver: Knee pain

M. Night Shyamalan (Entrance Theme: Tubular Bells)

M. Night Shyamalan! He’s made an appearance in every single All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble and by god he’s not going to miss out on this one. Philadelphia’s favorite macabre director has had a career resurgence as of late, but he still remembers his roots….thumbing out eyeballs and making mediocre movies WHERE SOMEONE’S BEEN DEAD THIS ENTIRE TIME!

Trademark Maneuver: HE’S BEEN DEAD THIS ENTIRE TIME!

Paul Jolovitz (Entrance Theme: Teenage Dirtbag by Wheetus)

Jolly! The returning 2020 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble champion has been an entrant in every single event. I’m gonna be real honest with this one, I just love his Twitter profile picture (seen above) and him coming into the event accompanied by Wheetus playing Teenage Dirtbag just tickles me pink. Give em’ hell, Jolly! May we all one day have the opportunity to hold our chin in our hand and laugh at this crazy thing we call life!

Trademark Maneuver: Elite headshots

Joe Giglio (Entrance Theme: Revenge of the Nerds)

Joe Giglio! The man who’s never seen a fan favorite superstar he didn’t want to trade away for a clubhouse cancer is entering his FIRST All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. It’s hard to imagine why he’d want to subject himself to such horror, but like every nerd who’s been on the receiving ends of wedgies, swirlies, atomic wedgies, dutch rubs, snake bites, smurf bites, purple nurples, noogies, titty twisters, wet willies, melvins, hertz donuts, and dreaded rear admirals, Giglio has likely picked up a few tricks to defend himself.

Trademark Maneuver: Riding a contrarian viewpoint to a successful sports talk radio career.

Kelly Oubre (Entrance Theme: Bicycle by Queen)

Kelly Oubre! A newcomer to Philadelphia and already a fan favorite with 76ers fans, Oubre knows how to ingratiate himself with the city….by reveling in ultra-violence and completely disregarding all fellow human life in the name of glory. Hopefully he doesn’t ride a bike to the event.

Trademark Maneuver: Ignoring conspiracy theorists

John Middleton (Entrance Theme: Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd)

John Middleton! How in the world did Middleton become THE most popular team owner in Philadelphia? I’ll tell you how….by being an unbridled lunatic who would plow his Cadillac Seville through a group of school children if it meant a better chance at a World Series. He’s borderline unhinged. Have you ever seen him among the people? I’ve seen him make a grown man cry in front of his entire family for DARING to wear a knockoff Chase Utley shirsey in his presence.

Trademark Maneuver: Definitely not wearing a toupee

Garrett Stubbs (Entrance Theme: Party Party Party by Andrew WK)

Garrett Stubbs! Everyone’s favorite backup catcher is taking a break from listening to his Jimmy Buffett CDs and saying “it’s five o’clock somewhere” to smash in some skulls. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to sneak in a broken bottle of Jose Cuervo that he “finished off” a few minutes before the event.

Trademark Maneuver: Eyeing up Arizona pools

Joe DeCamara and Jon Ritchie (Entrance Theme: Lovely Day by Bill Withers)

Joe Decamara and Jon Ritchie! Everyone’s favorite new morning show tandem! Absolutely nothing can break apart this duo, no way! They’ve got each others backs through thick and thin, no shot that anyone can drive a wedge between these best of friends. I mean, it would be a damned shame if something ever did come between them and one of them stabbed the other in the back for their own personal glory. Oh well, no need to worry about THAT, will never happen between two of the closest chums in sports talk radio!

Trademark Maneuver: Not returning Angelo Cataldi’s phone calls

Angelo Cataldi: (Entrance Theme: Creep by Radiohead)

Angelo Cataldi! Philadelphia’s creepiest uncle is back and he’s no longer beholden to the FCC! You know what that means…anything that tumbles out of his mush filled head is fair game! Get ready for plenty of off-colored remarks that would get anyone but a senior citizen cancelled into the sun. The years have not been kind to this man, but he’s wily and isn’t above ripping out someone’s throat with his own gnarled teeth if it meant one last shot at glory.

Trademark Maneuver: Convincing a bunch of rubes that he’s actually from Philadelphia

Glen Macnow and Mystery Entrant (Entrance Theme: Have a Drink on Me by AC/DC)

Glen Macnow and a mystery entrant! I wonder who it could be?! I’m sure it will be a massive surprise and not a lazy fallback to a Philadelphia legend that Glen is very closely associated with. Certainly not, nobody could be THAT unoriginal and out of ideas that they’d resort to that nonsense. What a surprise this will be!

Trademark Maneuver: Certainly not pairing up with Ray Didinger.

Patrick Beverley (Entrance Theme: The Man by Aloe Blacc)

Patrick Beverley! A man who was born to play for the 76ers and born to dole out low blows in the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. Seriously, how did it take him THIS long to find his way into the rumble? The dirtiest player in the game, he’s stylin’ and profilin’ into the hearts of Philadelphians everywhere. WOOO!

Trademark Maneuver: Talking shit

James Harden (Entrance Theme: Eat It by Weird Al)

James Harden! Everyone’s favorite jolliest ex-76er. Currently thriving in Los Angeles after demanding his way out of Philadelphia, I’m sure everyone will be very fair and appreciative of a man who had to eat a lot of his feelings while in town. There’s nothing he craves more than an NBA championship to put the icing on the cake of a delicious career. He’s ready to take a huge bite out of the succulent competition.

Trademark Maneuver: Getting kicked out of china buffets

Sean Desai and Brian Johnson (Entrance Theme: Take This Job and Shove It by Johnny Paycheck)

Sean Desai and Brian Johnson! Everyone’s favorite unemployed NFL coordinators! Real jack of all trades, there was nothing these two strived to do more than fall below expectations and derail an incredibly exciting Eagles season. You want soft defenses? Nothing but bubble screens on offense? Boy oh boy, are these two for you!

Trademark Maneuver: Disappointing everyone

Chris Wheeler (Entrance Theme: Talkin’ Baseball by Terry Cashman)

Chris Wheeler! Hey gang, it’s me, Chris Wheeler! What say we hit a few off the back foot and put up some crooked numbers out there? Gotta look middle in and just have some fun out there, right everyone? Woah! Look out down there, hope everyone is ok.

Trademark Maneuver: Trying to smother hall of fame announcers in their sleep.

Eliot Shorr-Parks (Entrance Theme: Straight Outta Compton by NWA)

Eliot Shorr-Parks! Everyone’s favorite boot-licking Eagles beat reporter, there’s never been a moment Shorr-Parks hasn’t thought the Eagles “couldn’t go all the way.” May or may not be planning to push Howard Eskin down a flight of stairs so he can take over as the team’s sideline reporter. Either that or writing about Eskin being connected to a gang, since it worked out so well in getting DeSean Jackson off the team.

Trademark Maneuver: Saying anything for social media engagement, no matter how disingenuous

Jason Kelce and Kylie McDevitt Kelce (Entrance Theme: Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John)

Jason Kelce and Kylie McDevitt Kelce! Philadelphia’s greatest power couple! With the future of Jason’s career up in the air, Kylie urged him to enter for one last shot at glory (and to satiate Kylie’s bloodlust in sanctioned setting). A perfect way to end a perfect Philadelphia career.

Trademark Maneuver: Starring in elite documentaries

Kate Scott (Entrance Theme: 10 9 8 76ers)

Kate Scott! Everyone’s favorite 76ers announcer, Kate is looking to get out from behind the announcing desk and get up close and personal with a few cracked craniums and some compound fractures. When asked if she was prepared for the event, Scott demonstrated her commitment to the rumble and placed announcing partner Alaa Abelnaby in a headlock for 19 minutes. He would NOT stop crying.

Trademark Maneuver: Bang bang Georges Niang

John Tortorella (Entrance Theme: The Hockey Song by Stompin’ Tom Connors)

John Tortorella! We weren’t going to allow any Flyers in the competition this year, but Torts wanted in and, frankly, he scares the absolute hell out of us. He wouldn’t stop yelling at us when he told him the rumble was full. I’m sorry, coach, we’ll never do it again.

Trademark Maneuver: What is that, the silly little podcast you do?

Les Bowen (Entrance Theme: Here Comes the Boogie Man by Henry Hall)

Les Bowen! Everyone’s favorite retired Eagles beat writer. Rumor has it he retired more than a year ago so he could focus on his training for when the All Philadelphia Royal Rumble made its return. Well good new, Les, because we’re back and you finally get a chance to show off that throat-rip that you’ve been workshopping on friends and family for the last several months. Bowen should be considered a legitimate darkhorse, as he’s one of the few competitors that’s actually thrown a few legitimate punches at his fellow press corp members. God knows what foreign objects he keeps in the pockets of his cargo pants.

Trademark Maneuver: Putting young punks in their place

Nick Sirianni (Entrance Theme: Should I Stay or Should I Go? by The Clash)

Nick Sirianni! Everone’s favorite (or most hated) coach of the Philadelphia Eagles! Nobody knows if he’s actually going to be in Philadelphia for much longer, so he’s looking to strike while the iron’s hot and make his lasting mark on this city. Just a word of warning, Nick, that flower analogies won’t get you too far in this ultra-violent event.

Trademark Maneuver: Fuck it, just go deep

Main Event Highlights

• It’s time, once again, for the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble! It’s been far too long, as the assembled crowd of nearly 30,000 are frothing at the mouth for the first popped out eyeball. Interestingly enough, the crowd is already grumbling to itself as it notices there are only 29 announced competitors for the event. I’m sure that’s just a mistake and not setting up a surprising entry for #30.

• The lack of a 30th competitor is all but forgotten as the swarthy tones of Tarantella Napoletana ring through the Wells Fargo Center. Anthony Gargano appears on the entrance ramp with a 97.5 the Fanatic flag that he rips in half, tossing the pieces into the crowd. He’s wearing a vintage 1980 Steve Mix 76ers jersey that has a conspicuous pizza grease stain down its left side.

• The crowd buzzes as BIG DOM, oh bubba, struts down the ramp to the ring. He points threateningly at Gargano, licking his lips as notices the pizza grease stain on his jersey. He ambles his way through the ropes as he goes toe-to-toe, chest-to-chest, with the other Italian heavyweight, as they eye each other up as the crowd noise reaches a fervor.

• Both reach into their sweat pants, pulling out two massive tubes of soppressata, JUST LIKE A MAMMA USED TO MAKE, bringing them simultaneously down on each other’s skull, knocking each of the ginzos out cold.

• Morey appears at the top of the ramp, a microphone in his hand. He’s not making his way to the ring, but instead addresses the crowd.

“None of you MAINSTREAM LOSERS deserve to see me in this event. None of you! It’d be like….it’d be like Grateful Dead Europe 72′ being played for a bunch of deaf idiots. You don’t deserve to see MY GREATNESS. If you think I’m stepping one foot into that ring with those troglodytes, you’re sorely mistaken. I came here today to talk to you about the LACK of great music in this city! When was the last time any of you listened to the dulcet tones of Neutral Milk Hotel? Or MGMT? Or Belle and Sebastien?! You wouldn’t know culture if it bit you in the ass!”

The crowd roars its approval, as Morey nods along, thinking he’s finally getting through to the crowd….but what the GM doesn’t notice is someone being lowered from the rafters right behind him.

BAH GAWD!!! It’s Sam Hinkie! Hinkie, the architect of The Process, is back! My god he’s back! Morey finally turns around to eat a baseball bat shot to the stomach, as Hinkie marches him to the ring, Morey stumbling, begging him for mercy, before the beloved nerdy GM tosses him into the ring with the freshly awakened Big Dom and Gargano.

Morey’s on his knees, begging both of the brutes to show him some modicum of compassion…he tries to scramble out of the ring, before he’s dragged back into the center by both of the massive men, who take turns peppering Morey with hot jabs before double clotheslining him out of the ring for the first elimination of the competition.

• Nick Nurse saunters out to the ring, taking his sweet time like the savvy veteran he is. Gargano and Big Dom have turned their attention back to one another, trading HEAVY chops as the crowd WOOS along with each meaty blow.

Nurse finally enters the ring and immediately kicks Gargano in the groin before turning his attention to Big Dom and thumbing him in the eye. With both big men down, the newest coach of the 76ers takes a well-earned bow to the roaring crowd. Doc Rivers would already eliminated himself, considering this a “scheduled Royal Rumble loss.”

• The Colangelos stumble through the entrance curtain, as the BOOOOOS rain down on the two hated GMs. As is Rumble tradition, Bryan (with a Y) Colangelo takes a mic and serenades the crowd with the worst freestyle rap anyone has ever heard.

“Yo yo yo, what’s up Philly? We are the Colangelos, let us get going as we do a pose. We’re gonna do the competitors so cold, take pity on my dad he’s kinda old.”

You get the drift. It’s absolute horseshit and the father/son duo are pelted with beer bottles as they make their way into the ring and deliver a VICIOUS synchronized superkick to Big Dom and Gargano, sending the paesanos reeling into the ropes.

• A hushed silence falls over the Farg as the tortured soul of Joel Embiid walks slowly down the ramp, the competitors watching in fear as the menace slowly makes his way to the ramp. Stopping only to make a quick 12-foot jumpshot (he somehow has 41 points and 12 rebounds already), Embiid steps over the ropes and is quickly surrounded by all five competitors, sensing their best chance at subduing the madman is to gang up on the goliath and beat him into submission.

It’s smart in theory, poor in practice, as Embiid delivers a vicious big boot across Nurse’s face, sending five teeth into the front row of the crowd (some lucky fans are going home with a souvenir), before grasping both the Colangelos around the neck and choke slamming both over the top ropes, eliminating the senior citizens from the competition. Jerry Colangelo snaps his hip in six places during the crash landing in a moment that will gleefully be shown on the Wells Fargo scoreboard for the next 20 minutes to uproarious applause.

• Turning his attention to Big Dom and Gargano, Embiid sends the two heavyweights into the ropes, clotheslining both before dropping a huge leg across both their chests. Picking up Gargano like a moldy old bag of parmesan cheese, he effortlessly tosses him over the ropes, before grasping Big Dom around the neck with both hands and lifting him clear off the mat, yeeting him over the ropes like a chicken cutlet out of the frying pan.

• Embiid cocks his head to one side, studying Nurse, who frantically motions to the house emcee to hand him a microphone.

“Joel….Joel stop! It’s me….it’s Nick….you know, the guy who actually draws up plays for you every game instead of just telling you to “let’s go”? Who’s leading you to the best career of your life? Listen to me, listen to me….I’m a friend,” he said, as he slowly back up into the corner of the ring, as Embiid stalks his prey.

But the momentary distraction is all he needed, as a masked figure crawls from under the ring, as he dropkicks Embiid in the back, sending him stumbling over the top ropes for an elimination. The man takes off his mask….

And my god, it’s Brett Brown! Joel’s ex-coach hops the ropes, as he and Embiid continue their fight into the crowd, leaving a wake of guts and red viscera as they brawl through the cheering crowd.

• Nurse only has a few minutes to compose himself before the house lights go down…and when they come back up a line of druids lead a coffin down to the ring.

Nurse cautiously approaches the coffin and lifts up the lid…..to reveal nobody is inside. He looks confusedly around the arena before the lights go down again.

When they come back up, M. Night Shyamalan is standing RIGHT BEHIND NURSE. The 76ers coach turns around to a huge discus clothesline from the Academy Award winning actor, sending him reeling into the ropes before a running high knee sends him crashing over the top rope for an elimination.

Shyamalan raises his hands over his head….and the lights turn out again. When they come back up Shyamalan is lying in the coffin and thousands upon thousands of copies of his obituary are dumped on the crowd, SHOWING HE PASSED AWAY TWO WEEKS AGO.

HE’S BEEN DEAD THIS ENTIRE TIME!

• “Oh I’m Just a Teenage Dirtbag Baby!” The crowd goes BANANAS as Paul Jolovitz, returning Royal Rumble champion, waves an American flag high over his head as he makes his way down to the ring. Women throw their panties at him, men wish they were him, and all of Philadelphia bows at the might of Jolly as he slams a beer tossed to him from the upper deck.

• Joe Giglio emerges from the back, a little unsure of what he’s gotten himself into. An enraged Bryce Harper and Trea Turner are shown on the jumbotron of the stadium; Harper miming a “throat slit” gesture and Turner giving the double-bird to the beleaguered WIP midday host. The crowd roars its approval as the two Phillies superstars hop the barrier to the entrance ramp, tackling Giglio from behind and stomping him into the ground.

Harper motions for Turner to pick him up and the two Phillies stars double powerbomb him into the ground, screaming that “Juan Soto won’t save you now” as they roll the bespectacled host into the ring.

Jolly doffs his hat to both Phillies cornerstones, slaps Giglio into a Cobra Clutch, and tosses his ragdoll body over the top rope to the roar of the crowd.

• A bike bell rings throughout the center and Kelly Oubre emerges from the back, riding a lowrise bicycle to the ring as he waves to the approving crowd. Oubre makes a crucial mistake as he gets caught up in the moment, as he pulls out a cell phone and attempts to take a selfie on his way to the ring. Momentarily distracted, Oubre’s bike careens to the fan barrier, sending the 76ers star and his bike headfirst into the crowd, injuring hundreds of onlookers as his unconscious body is crowdsurfed around the Wells Fargo crowd.

He was probably only going to be here on a one-year deal anyways. Oh well.

• John Middleton absolutely EXPLODES down the ramp, sprinting full speed to the ring, years of smoking obviously not hampering his cardio one bit. Business picks up immediately in the ring as Middleton and Jolly begin trading a flurry of blows as the crowd calls for blood. He lights up two Black and Milds, blowing the smoke into Jolly’s eyes before putting both out on the pecs of the chizzled champion.

Middleton mockingly ashes both the cigars on the writhing Jolly, his arms outspread to the crowd as they urge Jolly to get back to the fight.

• The Jolly beatdown receives a reprieve as Garret Stubbs makes his way down to the ring with a baseball bat covered in shards of hard liquor bottles he saved from the Phillies October locker room celebrations. He lays the bat into Middleton’s stomach, and then turns his attention to Jolly on the ground, grinding it into his forehead, busting the returning champion absolutely wide open.

Stubbs dips a finger into Jolly’s plasma and licks it off, smiling madly as the crowd eats up the ultra-violence from the fan favorite.

• It’s the Morning Show! The Morning Show is here! Jon Ritchie and Joe DeCamara march their way down to the ring, as Stubbs urges both of them to “bring it on with his blood stained bat.” The top-rated morning duo hit the ring simultaneously, as Stubbs tries to fend them off but is ultimately subdued by the superior numbers. The morning show teams delivers a violent double suplex to the backup catcher, before DeCamara picks him up and sends him careening into the turnbuckle, following him closely with a vicious splash.

• Before he can hoist Stubbs over the top rope, a voice is heard over the house PA system.

“It’s time for Beat ON the Hammer.”

It’s Ritchie! Ritchie is holding a microphone, as he gives DeCamara a thumbs down. From behind, Stubbs delivers a low blow to the host, who cannot believe he’s been double crossed from Ritchie. Ritchie takes his head into his hands, screaming that he’s “tired of the hot takes” and “conversations about your baths” before throwing him to Stubbs.

Stubbs holds DeCamara’s arms behind his back as Ritchie takes his time, slapping his betrayed cohost, before tucking his head into his arms and delivering a vicious DDT that knocks DeCamara unconscious. Stubbs and Ritchie unveil a banner, announcing “Stubbs and Ritchie in the Morning,” and toss DeCamara to the floor below.

• Angelo Cataldi is out next, his dumb book “Loud” in one hand, a bottle of paint thinner and a rag in the other. He stumbles down the ramp, stomping on DeCamara’s lifeless body on the floor of the arena, as he crawls under the ropes.

He takes a huff of the rag and springs to his feet with the spryness of a much younger man, fueled by the powerful inhalant like Popeye eating spinach, the former WIP morning show host hurls the rag into Ritchie’s eyes, blinding the former NFL fullback.

Turning his attention to Stubbs, he boots the playboy in the midsection, setting him up for a MASSIVE Diamond Cutter (the Cataldi Cutter) that lays him out in center of the ring. The senior citizen lifts a fist in the air to the VITRIOLIC CROWD, pouring the rest of the paint thinner over his body.

The fumes fill the air, making it nearly impossible for Stubbs or Ritchie to get a grasp on the octogenarian, as he delivers a cross body block to the far younger men.

• It’s Glen Macnow! Glen Macnow is here! He starts to walk down the ramp, stops, and points to the curtain…..and BAH GAWD IT’S RAY DIDINGER! NOBODY COULD HAVE EVER FORESEEN THIS COMING! Didinger and Macnow sprint to the ring, diving under the ropes, sizing up the greased (and high out of his gourd) watermelon that is Cataldi. The former radio host duo backs Cataldi up to the ropes before grabbing Ritchie from the mat, throwing him violently at the greased host, sending BOTH over the top rope for an elimination.

Didinger picks up a copy of Cataldi’s book, holds his nose, and throws it into the garbage to the RAUCOUS cheers of the crowd.

• ::Glass Breaks:: It’s Patrick Beverly! Everyone’s favorite Sixers instigator sprints from the back, viciously chopping Cataldi, Didinger, and Stubbs in the chest. Climbing the top rope, Beverly launches himself in the air, taking out all three with a devastating missile dropkick as he kips up, motioning for someone off stage to throw him a beer.

• Boombabba boombabba boom! James Harden waddles his way out of the backstage area, a Clippers jersey practically painted to his girthy midsection. He feigns a step back before delivering the double bird to the crowd, his belly hanging out of the bottom of his uniform, as he’s visibly winded after breaking into a slight jog to reach the ring.

Several stage managers have to hoist him up to the ring apron so he can make it through the ropes, becoming an active contender in the rumble. He motions for a microphone.

“You’re all a bunch of LOSERS. I’m so much happier in Los Angeles! Nothing’s going to change my relationship with the Clippers like it did the 76ers, the Nets, the Rockets, or the Thunder! I’m NEVER asking for a trade from LA, I’m playing the best basketball in my lif-“

A mist of Miller Lite envelopes Harden’s eyeballs as he screams in pain, as Beverley smashes the can over Harden’s corpulent jaw, sending the rotund roundballer careening into the ropes, snapping them like rubberbands as he’s eliminated from the competition.

• Sean Desai, Brian Johnson, Eliot Shorr Parks, and Chris Wheeler make their way to the ring as rumble officials repair the snapped ropes and escort a bulldozer into the arena to haul Harden away. After the ropes are tightened, Desai, Johnson, Wheeler, Beverley, Ritchie, Stubbs, Macnow and Didinger BRAWL at the center of the ring.

ESP holds onto the bottom rope like a frightened turtle, tweeting that Desai and Johnson have never looked better and it will be Jalen Hurts’s fault when both are eventually eliminated.

Wheeler whips a barbed wire covered baseball bat out from a concealed area in the corner, laying HEAVY hits on Stubbs’s midsection, advising the catcher to stay on his back foot, look middle in, and put up some crooked numbers on his spleen, before smashing him in the face and sending him over the top ropes.

Desai and Johnson kick the baseball bat out of Wheeler’s hands, Irish whipping him into the ropes before lifting him up in the air for a Dudley Death Drop, his toupee flying off into the front row. The embattled and ex-Eagle coordinators toss him over the ropes, before Macnow and Didinger push them over the ropes from behind, ending Philadelphia’s nightmare of incompetence forever (until they hire the next inept offensive and defensive coordinators).

• Beverley, Macnow, and Didinger catch a quick breather, eyeing each other up as BUSINESS PICKS UP as the first notes of Philadelphia Freedom play over the arena loudspeakers. Jason Kelce and Kylie McDevitt Kelce walk down the entrance ramp, Jason already shirtless, as the THOUSANDS in attendance chant their names.

Kylie hits the ring first as Jason stops to pound at least a bakers dozen of beers with fans in the front row. She picks Beverley up as if he was nothing more than a bag of rice, gorilla pressing him over her head before tossing him through the Spanish announcer’s table at ringside. She points at both Macnow and Didinger, spearing both of the wizened sports talk hosts before stacking them on top of each other, lifting them up on her shoulders, and dumping them over the ropes for a RARE double elimination.

Jason finally makes his way into the ring, a Mummer’s hat sitting jauntily on his head. The alpha predator spots ESP cowering under the ropes, grabbing him by the legs, and FLINGING him over the ropes into the crowd. Nobody bothers to catch him.

• Kate Scott, John Tortorella, and Les Bowen are out next, all waiting outside the ring, hoping the dreaded NUMBERS game will give them an advantage over Philadelphia’s greatest power couple. They hit the ring and immediately swarm on top of the Kelces, clubbing them, kicking them, trying to subdue the two monsters….but it’s wishful thinking.

The Kelces quickly power out of the beating, as Jason grabs both Tortorella and Bowen in his meaty paws, chokeslamming both on the mat they’re knocked out almost immediately. Scott and Kylie are trading blows in the middle of the ring, the 76ers announcer holding her own on the powerhouse as she delivers a VICIOUS European uppercut to the powerhouse, who falls back into the ropes. Emboldened by her ferocity, Scott charges Kylie, who pulls the ropes down and uses Scott’s momentum again her, sending the announcer over the top rope for yet another elimination.

• It’s down to the final three, as Jason and Kylie turn their attention to the entrance ramp, beckoning for Nick Sirianni to make his way down for his whooping. The Clash is blaring over the loudspeakers as all eyes on the entrance ramp, looking for any sign of the embattled coach, until a murmur starts to spread through the crowd. They look ringside, and see Sirianni emerge from UNDERNEATH THE RING, behind the Kelces, a steel pipe in his hands as he silently crawls under the ropes, the crowd PLEADING for Jason and Kylie to turn around.

Jason turns around just in time to see the pipe crack over his head, sending the hall of fame center to the floor below, eliminating the behemoth. Sirianni deftly ducks Kylie’s enraged haymaker, shoulder blocking her in the back to join her husband on the floor below.

Dear god no….Sirianni did it. He survived. He survived the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble and won the whole damned thing.

Or did he?

• The lights go down…and a lone spotlight enshrouds a figure on the entrance ramp. It’s the CEO of the Coggin Toboggan, a microphone in his hand, the crowd BURSTING into cheers as their hero addresses them for the first time in more than three years.

“I am the CEO OF THE COGGIN TOBOGGAN,” he says, the crowd losing their collective minds. “And who in their right minds has ever heard of a Royal Rumble with only 29 competitors? Didn’t you think it a bit odd, Nick, that you’d be the last entrant? This crowd HATES you for what you did to their Eagles this year, did you really think we’d REWARD you for what you did this year? No, no sir. There’s still one more competitor for the title. And that man is….”

He points to the entrance ramp before the piercing guitar notes scream out into the arena, alerting the rabid fans that the man, the myth, the legend has come out of retirement for the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble.

It’s David Coggin.

Sirianni can’t believe his eyes as the people’s champion struts to the ring. He takes a wild swing at Coggin with his lead pipe, which Coggin lets harmlessly bounce off his shoulder, before ripping it out of the trembling coaches hand. The sickening crack of Sirianni’s breaking ribs echoes through the Wells Fargo Center after a meaty knee crashes into his side.

He hoists Sirianni up on his shoulders, looks to the CEO of the Coggin Toboggan, who gives Coggin a “thumbs down” signal, sealing Sirianni’s fate in the city.

Not even the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles would be getting up anytime soon after an F-5 from Coggin onto the hard concrete below.

Coggin did it. He’s the 2024 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble champion.

• The CEO enters the ring with the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble belt, handing it to Coggin, as he raises the goliath’s hand up to the heavens in triumph. The rumble has been saved, Sirianni is still picking himself up from the concrete, and everyone can go home happy.

Until it just all goes wrong.

Historians of this event differ on what exactly happened next, but they can all agree that Coggin’s face changed from its usually stoic demeanor to one of utter hatred. As the CEO held his hand to his ear, asking the crowd to cheer louder, Coggin dropped the belt to the ring mat, staring at the CEO as the crowd tried to warn him….tried to warn him that something was about to go terribly wrong.

Confused at the sudden dampening of the crowd’s spirit, the CEO turns around to see what was wrong, and a huge fist caves in his eye socket, as Coggin stands above the crumpled CEO, looking down upon the felled owner of the Coggin Toboggan.

He motions for a mic, which a trembling stagehand provides him.

“For the last nine years, I’ve watched this STUPID website, this STUPID man, sully the good name of David Coggin. Did you think it’d be this easy? Did you think I wasn’t waiting for the perfect time to enact my revenge,” he says, as he picked up the CEO with one hand, heabutting him viciously in the jaw.

He took the belt from the mat and draped it over the CEO’s unconscious body.

“When you wake up your stooges will tell you what I’m about to say. This website? This event? This entire damned thing? It’s DONE. I’m ending it. The contract you signed? That my agent sent you? Should have read the fine print. You know, the part that said if I won the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, I’d be the SOLE owner of the Coggin Toboggan.”

He lowers his face to the CEO’s body, sneering.

“And I won. I own this dump now. This is it. This is the last thing you’ll ever do. THIS SITE IS COMPLETELY FINISHED.”

The crowd can’t believe what they’re hearing. He drops his microphone, leaving the belt in the ring, as he slowly leaves the arena.

Nine years led to this moment.

Nine long years.

And now? It’s all over.