Philadelphia, PA – Following a grueling 6-2 loss to the Cincinnati Reds, in which the Phillies took a 2-1  lead into the bottom of the eighth, the City of Philadelphia was thrilled when it realized it no longer had to pay any attention to the organization for the rest of the year.

The loss diminished any shred of hope for a positive season of any kind, a record for the organization after just one game played.

“When their bullpen gave up 5 runs after a great outing by Jeremy Hellickson, I knew what kind of year it would be and immediately lost any desire I had to watch a single second more of the 2016 year,” said Joshua Longings, a Phillies fan for the past 34 years of his life.

“I thought maybe I’d want to see the final year of Ryan Howard, maybe re-live some of those great memories, but after David Hernandez came in and immediately gave up a walk, a double, and another walk to load the bases with no outs, I just turned off the television and spend the rest of the day with my family. Best decision I’ve ever made.”

Thousands of citizens turned off their televisions after no-name reliever James Russell gave up two additional runs, cementing the Phillies fate.

“Maybe this summer I’ll get in shape. I’ve wanted to run the Broad Street my entire life, and since I won’t care or waste time with the Phillies, I can actually do it!” Melissa Strongings said, a wave of euphoria washing over her.

At press time, fans felt themselves being pulled back into the black hole of a franchise when they realized Aaron Nola was pitching in tomorrow’s game.