Editor’s Note: I wrote this three weeks ago after the Eagles lost to the Titans. It never got published, but because the Eagles are terrible and sports in this town are a huge pit of sadness, it’s still appropriate. Updated to include the latest Eagles loss. Enjoy.

Things, well, they’re not great right now in Philadelphia. The Eagles are fumbling their way back to ineptitude as Doug Pederson’s deal with the devil expired in the offseason. The Flyers are terrible, the Phillies have a meathead, new wave hippie manager being investigated by the FBI for human trafficking (or something like that, I haven’t been paying attention) and we’re all about to reach our breaking point unless something galvanizes us as a population.

The City of Philadelphia needs to come together, needs to find a target on which to dump gallons of seething anger on; a patsy to absorb the caustic ire bubbling over from hundreds of thousands of fans.

The Eagles are 3-4. Jay Ajayi tore his ACL. Bill Simmons still has his health despite all of our prayers to the contrary. Every city has its limits, and we’re rapidly approaching ours.

We need a punching bag. If only something inconsequential and blatantly terrible could debut during this time of need, something we could rally against and funnel all of this seething hatred towards.

If only….

Oh dear god. Thank you Fanatic, this will do quite nicely.

What the hell is going on with these show logos?! Now look, I actually listened to both of these debuting shows on Monday for a minute apiece. That’s two more minutes of sports talk radio I’ve listened to in the last years, and to tell you the truth both shows weren’t all that bad! The mic volumes were pleasant. Everyone spoke clearly and succinctly. Uhh…what else….all of the hosts showed up for a hard days work and on time, I guess. Not too shabby for the Fanatic when you think about it.

But what are these? I’d tell the station to get their money back, but if we’re being honest but they probably just farmed out the design to a hungover intern at the last minute.

Let’s take a closer look at these abominations towards God, shall we?

Gargano top-billed on the show name AND his photo is literally dwarfing Myrtetus’s? TROUBLE IN PARADISE?! What’s with these photos choices?! Who was thinking, “You know that photo of Cuz where the top nine buttons of his shit brown shirt are undone and he’s squinting so badly it looks as if he’s staring directly into the sun? And the one of Myrtetus that makes him look like a hipster celebrity chef at the opening night of his sure-to-fail, high-end cereal restaurant? Yeah, just use those two, it’s fine. I want to get fired.”

It looks like they ripped off every single movie poster where the two main characters are standing back-to-back, looking at the camera with clever smirks on their faces as if to say, “Yeah, this may be a romantic comedy, but we’re not afraid to make you laugh AND love.”

Anthony Gargano is Turk Hercules, a down on his luck radio host looking for one last chance at glory. Jason Myrtetus is Alphonse Crimmons, the bad boy of sports talk who plays by his own rules. Do they have what it takes to bring the Fanatic back to the top, or will they turn on each other first? Coming in 2019, “Out of Bounds,” this time, it’s personal.

AHHHH! What….what am I looking at? Why is there so much going on here. I like how they used the brick backdrop from every single comedy club from 1985 but really gave it some PHILLY ATTITUDE with indecipherable gobbledygook spray painted on the background.

Marc Farzetta’s picture is all business, letting the listener know that he’ll captain this ship and get it to where it needs to be, but his wry grin and the decision to not airbrush out the visible wrinkles in his shirt from Kohl’s lets you know that he’s not afraid to let his hair down and let loose every now and again.

Tra Thomas immediately lets you know he’ll be the wildcard of the duo. LOOK OUT FOR THIS GUY. A double finger point to the camera, a stern face, and a little unspoken gesture to the listeners of Philadelphia that he’ll provide the HARD HITTING breakdowns of all your Eagles action as only the station’s Plan B to Harry Mayes could.

These logos make me sick and they deserve your ire, if only to serve as a momentary distraction from the soul-crushing pain and crippling depression we all experience during every waking moment of our lives. Stupid logos! Am I right, gang?!

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