Editor’s Note: I wrote this three weeks ago after the Eagles lost to the Titans. It never got published, but because the Eagles are terrible and sports in this town are a huge pit of sadness, it’s still appropriate. Updated to include the latest Eagles loss. Enjoy.

Things, well, they’re not great right now in Philadelphia. The Eagles are fumbling their way back to ineptitude as Doug Pederson’s deal with the devil expired in the offseason. The Flyers are terrible, the Phillies have a meathead, new wave hippie manager being investigated by the FBI for human trafficking (or something like that, I haven’t been paying attention) and we’re all about to reach our breaking point unless something galvanizes us as a population.

The City of Philadelphia needs to come together, needs to find a target on which to dump gallons of seething anger on; a patsy to absorb the caustic ire bubbling over from hundreds of thousands of fans.

The Eagles are 3-4. Jay Ajayi tore his ACL. Bill Simmons still has his health despite all of our prayers to the contrary. Every city has its limits, and we’re rapidly approaching ours.

We need a punching bag. If only something inconsequential and blatantly terrible could debut during this time of need, something we could rally against and funnel all of this seething hatred towards.

If only….

Oh dear god. Thank you Fanatic, this will do quite nicely.

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