It’s the eve of the Fourth of July. You’re nervously wondering how you got yourself into this jam again….for the second time in four years you’ve found yourself slapdash in the middle of another Fourth of July hot dog eating contest.
Calm down. We can get through this. First off, I salute you (again) for ignoring all of your doctor’s advice and the pleas of your loved ones to stuff as many processed meat tubes into your mouth as humanly possible. It’s one of the finest things you can do as an American and legally protected by the 17th amendment of the Constitution (please don’t look that up).
All eyes will be on you tomorrow, so strap in fatty and take these suggestions to your cholesterol blocked heart and let’s do our best out there, ok tubby?
We’re here to help you get through this. Keep your wits about you, keep your head on a swivel, and hit that jump to avoid humiliation at the hands of other morbidly obese competitive eaters.
• Natural Ice is the perfect complement to stuffing 50+ hot dogs into your maw in 100% humidity on a sweltering, 95 degree day. Enjoy a few before the competition to truly cement your status as white trash.
• Loudly proclaim “This is what the Fourth of July is all about” numerous times during the competition, firmly cementing everyone’s knowledge that this is most certainly not what the Fourth of July is all about.
• If at all possible, eat your hot dogs in the back of an ambulance with the engine running to shave precious seconds off the fevered commute to your local emergency room for the inevitable cardiac event you’ll be suffering before the day is out.
• If Anthony Gargano shows up at a contestant, set your sights on second place and remember to keep your hands at least 8-feet away from his mouth at all times during the competition.
• Chuckle to yourself as you ask your fellow competitors if a hot dog is a sandwich.
• It’s never too late to get those divorce papers made official by a public notary. There’s always a longer waiting period after your significant other realizes they’ve wasted the best years of their life with you.
• Remember that each hot dog isn’t official until you’ve thrown up a little bit of it into your piggish hand.
• Try to convince yourself that everyone in attendance is laughing with you, not at you.
• Dunk buns in melted cheese whiz to increase viscosity.
• Realize that this is not the way to win back the love and affection of your estranged 9-year-old son.
• If you somehow win try not to dwell on the depressing realization that the rest of your life is just all downhill from here.
• Mime playing guitar on a hot dog to Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher.” Let the laughs roll in.
• Enjoy every hot dog as if it was your last, because after the stroke you’ll suffer later on tonight after ingesting millions of nitrates it’s unlikely that you’ll be indulging in solid foods for the rest of your tortured existence.
Happy Fourth of July! Enjoy those dogs and buy Phillies merch by clicking the banner below you obese slob!