Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god….is there an election today? There is, isn’t there? I saw people lining up around the block at my local community center and figured something had to be going on…and when I got into work this morning people were all talking about the “polls” and sporting their “I voted” stickers.

That finally tipped me off that something was going on.

Is it for President? Oh Jesus Christ it’s for president, isn’t it? Everyone is going to think I’m an IDIOT when I don’t share my opinion. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Who is even running? Ok, don’t panic, we can fake our way out of this, just go to Google.

::Googles 2016 election, gets back 150 billion results::

Wait…this can’t be right, can it? Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump? Bill Clinton’s wife is running again, and she’s running against the guy from Home Alone 2? And it’s CLOSE? Can’t be true, must re-google this decisive issue.

::Re-Googles, gets the same results, gets distracted by pornography for 2-hours straight::

Am I even registered to vote? When was the last time I voted? Didn’t I just vote for Obama when he ran against Hillary? Was that for a primary? I can’t believe I snoozed on this.

Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Why wasn’t any of this on TV? The media didn’t cover this at all, what the fuck.

I am screwed. What are some key issues….must find key issues…..

::Googles again, gets distracted by vines of dogs dancing with other dogs for five hours::

This can’t be right, they’re disagreeing on taxes and healthcare? Hillary wants more money for the less fortunate, Donald wants more money for the rich…it’s all so confusing.

What an idiot.

To hell with this. Maybe Bernie Sanders is running as a third party nominee?