This is why I come to America in the 1980s, for the two glorious months where large men fight one another with sticks on the frozen ponds. In Soviet Russia, we call this a marriage ceremony. America, what a country!

Much like the Alexander of Ovechkin, I came to America in search of a better life and to make jokes about what a horrible place Russia was to live. In America you play hockey with a frozen ball of rubber, but in Soviet Russia you played hocked with a hand grenade. Sudden death overtime had entirely different meaning.

Heh heh heh heh!

But Alexander of Ovechkin tries to hard in the playoffs! Alexander, this is not Soviet Russia, you won’t be assassinated by prime minister for not scoring the trick of the hat! You have to calm down, you’re living in the land of opportunity!

In America, when you commit the penalty you are sent to the penalty box. In Soviet Russia, when you commit the penalty you are sent to gulag in Siberia.

So it’s really not so bad, Alexander of Ovechkin, when you think about how you mostly choke in the season of the post. You get to go back to apartment, make the love to many beautiful women, and not worry about being sent to one of many work camps in Soviet Russia for getting double minor for the slashing.

You will still most likely choke in the playoffs, Mr. Alexander of Ovechkin, but you will still be man of the castle in glorious USA!

The Flyers of Philadelphia will win in 6 games.