Philadelphia, PA – Describing it as one of the best moments of his life, Jim Cramer screamed vows at his blushing bride to be over the weekend, as he married his cowering sweetheart Lisa Detwiler in a ceremony that guests described as “emotional” and “very loud.”
Cramer, 60, is the host of “Mad Money with Jim Cramer” and avid Philadelphia sports fan. He reportedly hurled his vows at Detwiler at a lovely ceremony in Brooklyn this past Saturday.
“I PROMISE TO LOVE YOU AND CHERISH YOU MORE THAN WHEN I ACHIEVED A 24% RETURN ON MY HEDGE FUND WHEN I RAN IT, BEATING THE S&P INDEX BY ALMOST 10 POINTS,” He screamed. “BOOYA! ARE YOU READY, SKEE-DADDY? IT’S TIME TO GET MARRIED! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE, YOU’RE MARRYING ME, JIM CRAMER! I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS, I’M HERE TO GET MARRIED TO YOU! LISA DETWILER!”
Cramer then threw plastic red bulls at Detwiler for the next five minutes until she agreed to marry him.
Guests were also treated to Detwiler timidly reciting her own vows to her beloved Cramer.
“Jim, I promise to love you and to cherish you for the rest of my days. But please, please, can you not yell at me for the rest of your life?” She begged him.
Cramer however was too busy pressing several loud sound effect buttons and didn’t listen to a single word.
“OF COURSE I’LL LOVE YOU HONEY, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE THE FUTURE OF GENERAL ELECTRIC. I GIVE THAT STOCK TWO THUMBS UP, AND WE’RE GOING WAY UP!” He screamed, flecks of spittle getting caught in her veil. “B-B-B-B-BOOYA! YOU STICK WITH CRAMER!”
As of press time, Detwiler apparently asked one of her bridesmaids if she knew a good divorce lawyer.