Hey everyone! It’s your good pal Juice here! It’s been a long while since I talked to you, but I have a bit of bad news.

I’m dead!

Yes, you heard that right, the Juice is no longer loose, as I’ve shuffled off this mortal coil, hit a tee-shot into the rough that I couldn’t save, and finally find myself in a fourth and long with no choice but to punt.

And it’s a shame! It’s a damned shame. You know, the Juice was just this close to finding the real killer of my wife on one of the gorgeous golf courses across this great land or on the floor of one of the Las Vegas casinos I so very much frequented in my later years.

But that’s ok! The Juice knows in his heart of hearts that there was nothing more the Juice could have done.

That’s a lesson for all of you out there, gang, to understand that your time in this crazy thing you call life is so very limited! You need to take life into your hands, stab it into submission as many times as you can, and convince all of your best friends that those bumps they heard in the night outside of their windows was just the wind.

Because let’s face it, one moment you’re daydreaming about your up-and-down game on the course, sharpening your precious knives, and waking up in a cold sweat from one of your many nightmares about the Feds being on your property with a search warrant and new state of the art metal detectors guaranteed to detect even the faintest trace of a blood rusted blade, and the next you’re facing all of the consequences you’ve heaped upon yourself in the great thereafter.

The Juice knows what he’s talking about! Life is a precious thing! You never know when you’re going to get sick, when you’re going to get into an accident, or when a jealous lover is going to brutally stab you dozens of times in a backyard when you just wanted to return a pair of glasses to your girlfriend.

Crazy! And always remember that if someone else gets a hand on your sports memorabilia, just let it go. No need to take it any further than that.

Oh well. Don’t shed a tear for old Juice, gang, he’ll be just fine.

I’m the Juice!